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Joined: Jan 2010
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Hello..I've lurked here for a while so I am new and hope I am posting in the right spot. I am so at the end of my rope. This is my second marriage, the first for my husband. No kids, we are in our 50's and we've been married almost 3 years.

Almost right afterwards, our sex life dwindled down to nothing. No affection, no touching, no kissing, nothing. He says it's because we argue..we did. He was very busy right off the bat, and I guess I just got tired of it.

It's created so much stress and tension and resentment on my part. I've tried talking to him, begged him to go to counseling, he tried it a few times, the minute they began to focus on certain issues, he backed off and would not really participate. Now, he refuses to go at all. Says he just can't change at this point in his life. We both stopped going. A lot of the time, especially after an argument, he sleeps in the guest room. At first it bothered me, but now I actually sleep better and find I don't really care.

I gave him an ultimatum - either go to counseling or else, and he threatened to leave because the "stress of the marriage" was just causing him so much unhappiness. I still love him, so I pleaded with him to say, but I am so unhappy. At first it bothered me, now I don't really care.


His job comes first. He will drop things in a minute if a special event comes up at work, (his favorite line: they NEED me..), or if he needs to work overtime with his coworkers. With me, conversation is pretty much 4-5 lines - "how are you" "how was your day". I work, do most of everything around the house, cooking (but he's usually not hungry - we don't really share meals together), cleaning, and generally knocking myself out trying to build a marriage by myself! I've read almost every "save your marriage" book written! Not much companionship - I suggest doing things, and he will agree, but it's always after I've asked; No support, no interest in anything I do - just courtesy questions. The therapist even asked why I'm staying and I just can't give an answer - it's as if I'm just frozen or paralyzed.

I've asked him if there is someone else (he denies), I've tried spying and come up with nothing, I've asked him is he still in love with me (he says yes), but his actions don't show it. When we have these conversations, I feel drained, and it just seems to give him proof to say see? I told you we just can't get along.

As long as I don't bring up the things he does - gone 2 nights at his job at some event or other, in the other room on the computer (I do go in to spy and see what he's working on), or ask him why he doesn't see how he's not helping his marriage - oh,things are fine. I come off sounding like a whining female and it really is not who I am. I just feel as if he's turned me in to this type of person. I'm tired of listening to me!

I was an idependent, self-supporting woman with interests of my own. I am still attractive, other men notice me, but I feel beaten down, unattractive and just sad and depressed when I come home.

I know I should ask him to leave and get a divorce, but from the outside - he appears to be a great guy, part of it is financial, I have gone on retail therapy because I've been depressed, I don't want to be a two-time loser, and I just feel as if I am stuck!

Has anyone else ever been in this situation or felt this way?

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Sorry you find yourself in a rough place in your M. You'll find this a great place to learn and get support. Start reading people's threads and you'll see how people are dealing with similar situations.

First, have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get that as soon as possible and read it cover to cover. Then start working on the exercises. The sooner you start DBing, the sooner you'll feel more grounded and sane, no matter what your H is doing.

Here are a few more books that I would recommend to you:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Explains gender differences in communication and how to understand that downward spiral that happens when communication breaks down in marriage.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
[i]This outlines gender differences in women's and men's needs in marriage. A good place to start when you can't figure out why your spouse was so unhappy that s/he had an A, moved out, etc.


Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

Dumb title, but very useful book with specific guidelines on how to put your guy into "pursuer" mode. For all the "nice" girls out there.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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You say, "He was very busy right off the bat."

Is this who he was when you married?

Are you trying to change him?

Is that why he is resentful?

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Hi Jackie

One if Michelle's big things is the concept of 'do something different'. When you argue, do these arguments have a common theme or thread. Could you tell us a little more about that?

What could you change about the situation so the arguments don't follow a similar pattern, or even better what could you change so that they don't occur?


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Hello all:

Thanks for responding and oh yes - the arguments have taken on the same theme because nothing changes. It's pretty much: (me) "We haven't been intimate in almost a year; is there something I've done to cause you to turn off?" He will deny it and say he plans to "try" to begin being affectionate. (me) "Try? What exactly does that mean?" And we're off and running. If he does give me a grandmotherly peck on the cheek, it just seems forced. Or: He gets in around 9PM, we haven't talked to each other all day, and I will ask if he ever thinks of calling, he will then blow up that I only focus on what he's done wrong all the time.

He was busy before we got married with his career and I understand that, but after the marriage, he received a promotion that has taken up a lot more of his time. Now, of course I do understand that and I'd like for him to advance, but I just don't get that he can not set aside 1 day out of the weekend to spend some quality time, or to make plans with me.

He always has to do some type of follow up paperwork, or plan for the following week, or review something or when he is not doing that he is talking about work, or on the computer working and it is a bit tiring. I have a demanding career but I've learned to leave it at the door. If I ask if he has to talk about work all the time or spend so much time there his response: "Fine, then. I'll just give up the promotion." You see?

So I then try and explain that I have needs and I do not feel they are being met, I'd like affection, a partner, communication, someone who places their marriage first some of the time and this goes on for about a good 30 minutes and I sound whiny, and he will promise to change and will be nice and communicative for a day until the next work event comes up and off he goes. He was too busy at work on our anniversary, and my birthday.

I have read some things on the boards and it's true - I haven't tried anything different (other than shopping myself to a frenzy), because of the feeling of being frozen. I can use my membership at the gym and work out, do volunteer work and just ignore what he does but I just feel like it's not a marriage.

Thanks for the book suggestions. I will look into those today.

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I believe that you knew he was a workaholic when you married him. And workaholics tend to be successful at their jobs and they get promotions.

You seem very needy to me and hell-bent on trying to change your h. He probably feels nagged all the time.

Why can't you just let him be?

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Like I said, I have a demanding career also. We both made a decision to get "married" which meant we both knew it required making "some" type of a commitment to each other some of the time; however, for his part it is rare. True, I admit that I am whining, and no - I am not content to settle and "let him be" which = do whatever he wants with no respect for his marriage or me. Thank you for your interesting view.

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Anytime.

The thing is, when you hit him with with questions like, "Did you ever think of calling?" when he walks in the door, he probably feels attacked and pressured all the time.

You are pushing so hard with your ultimatums and trying to press him into counseling. It's not surprising that he is digging in his heels.

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Hi Jackie

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If so I really recommend it as it will give you some really good tools to start doing things differently to get better results.

I often find that when I try these new ways with my h I have to let go of a lot of my resentment first and then give it a try and I have to say that each time I do try something different I usually get a good result that leaves me wondering why on earth I didn't try it before smile

Admittedly my h and I are separated so it is easier.

However in your case I would start small. Instead of tackling the big things right away I would just start with a relatively simple thing as a practise run. Is there anything you can think of that you could try? If you want to post it here I'd be happy to help you think of a different solution?

Also you could try posting on SG's thread about goal setting I think it might really help you. Here is the link

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1948539&page=1

I know that it might seem as if I am brushing over the big issues, but I am not. I totally understand where you are coming from. I just think once you start seeing some positive results you will be spurred on to tackle the bigger things with better tools.

Just as an aside, as soon as my h starts to hear what he views a nagging he shuts down completely. It sounds a bit like what your h is doing. As soon as you feel yourself pressuring him or nagging stop yourself and leave it a while and think how you could do things differently.


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This may help also.

The Seven Creative Approaches


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