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#1874376 11/15/09 11:38 AM
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GMJoe Offline OP
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Ya' know, it's kinda' funny that as time and circumstances change how you tend to lose control over a predetermined action (or non-action as the case may be) that when you were younger, you could'nt even imagine yourself as doing or not doing to someone else.
For instance, 22 years ago (before I married my wife) I often wondered at the thought of how a man could cheat on his wife (not to mention his kids) whom he married because he loved her. I guess it was just my own youthful naivete because I also used to muse at the prospect of having all the sex I wanted when I got married (LOL).
But now the threat of cheating has finally chosen to knock on my door; I saw it throught the peep-hole.
There have been three woman I have encountered in my life that I have found truley irresistable. The first was forced to move away, I'm married to the second one, and now I work with the third. She has recently asked me, "Why are you avoiding me like the plague?"
I told her that it was nothing personal just something that I need to do and reassured her that she has done nothing and there was nothing she could do to help me.
My problem is compounded by the fact that my wife and I have not been intimate for the past nine years. You see, after the birth of our second child my wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and subsequently had to have a full hysterectomy. She is a cancer survivor, I just hope that I can be a post-cancer surviving spouse.
We both agreed that with hormone replacement therapy being linked to breast cancer that it would not be the way to go to restore her libido. If I could give her some of mine I would, I may be 44 but my drive is still 18.
I've realized that I am emotionally divorced already and recently I have initiated general conversation and flirtation with my wife as a defense against the threat at work. And I've never stopped picking or buying flowers for my wife as I'm hardcore, passionate. romantic.
I'm open to any suggestions.
Thanks for listening. This is the first time I've ever openned up about whats going on with me.

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GMJoe-there are many much more experienced and insightful posters here and I am a relative newbie so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I am coming from the other side. My H has moved out and had a 2 year affair. From where I stand--I would rather have risked anything--including cancer to have my H at my side loving me now. I work in the medical field so I wonder if you have explored all options regarding your wife's sex drive as things change? Also, I wonder if it is all hormonal or if your wife is dealing with some body issues--hysterectomy causes aging and weight gain, as well as fear and inital pain after surgery. Maybe you need to do some more research on line to see if there are options that have some but less risk involved. Might seem odd at first but possibly try posting some questions to the women on a support board for ovarian cancer. Your wife might need counseling to get over the emotional effects of the cancer. I know for myself with intimacy we would go without it for a while and when we finally got around to it I would wonder why I waited, didnt have it then go back and do the same thing again. After 9 years, I think she may have forgotten how nice it can be if it is all tied up in her head with surgery, pain etc. I wish with all my heart my H had told me how unhappy he was and what he needed before giving his heart away to someone else. I cant speak for your wife or know her heart--but I think you need to revisit the cancer and the sex with a very good counsellor. You sound like a wonderful loving man which my H was too and I hope you can find some help before you reach the tipping point.

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GMJoe Offline OP
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Sorry to hear about your H, benotafraid.
Are you a cancer survivor?

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GMJoe,

So sorry to hear about your wife. It is admirable that you have gone without sex for so long because of your wife's health, but it sounds like it is time to try to look into alternative methods so she can have sex again. I am not versed at all in the way of health problems, but not being on hormone therapy doesn't mean she can't have sex, it just means she doesn't want to have sex. Since you have been so patient, can't you talk to her about how you are missing it and talk to a doctor?

bim


BIM
M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11

my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127




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Hi Joe. Does your wife not want to have sex, or does she simply not desire it? Is she avoiding it, or does it just not occur to her? It seems like even if she isnt getting the hormones, it would still feel good and give her pleasure. Most people with low drives admit that once things get started, its still pleasureable.

In my opinion, this is a big deal, and there needs to be some communication about it. But you need to be really delicate and patient if you do choose to bring this up.

Sometimes losing their "Lady parts" can make people feel less like women, less attractive, or less like a worthwhile partner. That might be part of whats going on here. And I also imagine that since its been so long, its started to turn into a self perpetuating cycle. Add to that the hormonal changes and its really not surprising that this has become a problem.

I hope that other people can chime in and give you some good advice.

The least of which from me is this: You cannot make a good justification for an affair. No matter what. Any affair will leave behind it a wake of devistation, for all involved...

So keep away from that lady, you already seem to know how you can keep yourself from that temptation.


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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GMJoe. Sorry to hear your story. Please do not have an affair. They affect more than just you and your wife. I hope you both can find help through counseling. I am sorry I do not have any more advice.

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GmJOE,
Thank you for the kind words about my H. No, I am not a cancer survivor but I took care of my mother for a long time and she was and I also went through it with my best friend who died 3 years ago--she had breast cancer but had many issues with body image, scars, sex etc. You sound like such an honorable man and 9 years is a long time AND you and your wife were both so young when she was diagnosed. Do seek some help--dont get discouraged if it takes time to find the right help though. Medical doctors, especially cancer specialists, are trained in how to treat diseases/cancer. They do not get training on the whole person--how cancer affects our psyche, our body image, our sexuality. Once the cancer is in remission, everyone thinks life is all beter and it isnt. You and your wife may need to search for answers--do you have financial resources to look into counseling? I am not sure but I think there are divorce busting coaches affiliated with this site who specialize in sex starved marriages. As the other posters have said, I dont think this is all hormones/medical but there are psychological issues too. Dont give up.

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GMJoe, I sure hope you find the support here that you are looking for. I am a breast cancer survivor and I know from experience that the cancer journey is certainly a tumultuous one. I was diagnosed nearly five years ago. My H had an affair and I am certain that this action has only made his life more difficult and complicated. I urge you not to take that path. I am not sure if my experiences can be of help but I offer my support to you.

Cas

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Hi,
I find it great that you are here now, that you realise you are at a crossroad. But this fact alone(that you realise it), allows you no room for EXCUSES for your future choices. Dont get me wrong. I am not a "fanatic" (excuse the word, dont know what to use) although my H had a 1 yr long A while we were together and another 2 separated. But because I watch him now as he wants us to reconcile, as I told him, the hardest part for me is not to forgive what he did to me, but what he did to himself. He let himself down. He compromised his values. He is left with guilt towards our kids and me. He is no longer able to say he will protect us, take care of us, be the man and dad we need and deserve. Not now at least (I hope this will change).

Would you be able to live your life knowing you turned to an A while your W fought cancer? I dont know... If you do decide to have an A, just ask for D. Dont lie to her. Respect her. Can you do that?

Our choices may hurt others but WE are the ones carrying them around for the rest of our lives. If you can live with your choices, then everything is fine. Good Luck
K


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GMJoe Offline OP
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Having an affair is not an option. That door is shut and padlocked! Hopefully, God gives me more strength to keep it that way.
A divorce is the worst that could possibly happen, though I will not be the intiate.
I know what, "for better or for worse; in sickness and in health; until death do you part.." means.
Thanks for everything you'all are saying, that's exactly the catalyst I need to stay strong.
Would it be a good idea to send my W an e-mail saying that I need to get L?

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