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Joined: Jan 2010
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Hi!

I am so glad to have found this forum and another one like it. I had no idea what was going on until recently and these posts are helping me see that I am not insane. A little over a year ago my husband began crying all the time and complaining about his looks, his job, his parents but always said he loved me. Then he began going to our basement more and more. He would go there to chew tobacco and play xbox. He started spending more and more time down there to the point that he only came to bed right before I woke up so I would think he had been in bed all night. I spied on him a couple of times while he was down there and he was always doing just what I had said. He was not on the phone or on the computer. Just xbox and chew.

His behavior was causing huge fights between us until finally he moved out. That was six months ago and since that time life has been pure hell. He hardly took anything when he left and has not taken anything since. He has nothing to do with his old friends or any of the things he used to love. He is still doing what he always did which is work all the time (he has a very high powered and stressful job) and plays xbox. When he does go out it is with these young partiers (my husband is 44).

When he first left he treated me like I was his arch enemy until I finally told him I would not take another day of it. The only time I see him is when he comes to pick up my D11 and many times he will linger and I know it is to be around me. I feel like he wants to be near me but is almost trying to fight off that desire. Recently there are times when he is affectionate but still will not go on a date or call to check on me.

He filed but only because he thought I was going to and he because he said "I wasn't taking this serious enough"??? I have lost twenty poinds!! I am not sure he wants to be divorced. One day he said, "how can I begin to work on us when I am so messed up". I have noticed that if I even mention the relationship he goes for the door. Everything has to stay light and pleasant. But it kills me when he is affectionate then goes and does "whatever" with no responsibility for anything in our lives. I know he is hiding money (not alot but enough to go out and do things and not be accountable) which also bugs me but God forbid if I bring it up. Oh and did I mention the new Porsche he purchased!!!

How long do you hang on? My husband was there for me several years ago when i was going through a tough time in my life and I used to always tell him how much it means to me. He would tell me that one day he will go through something and he knows I would be there for him. Is this it? My friends and family want him away from me so I can move on with my life. They think I should proceed with the divorce and forget him. I still love him but I am not sure I can take much more!

There have been times when I have backed way off and I have gotten two reactions from him, he either backs off too or comes forward a little. When I have tried to come forward a little he seems to too but then I feel used!! So is it possible to detach and go dark while still being loving??? Since he said he never felt loved or accepted by me then going dark seems like a mistake. I also don't think he wants to lose me so maybe finally not having me around will make him think!

Please, Please help me. I am confused, tired and need someone to talk to me that understands!!

Last edited by sydneyl2u; 01/06/10 04:35 PM.
Joined: Jan 2010
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In some ways, I'm a guy that feels like I'm in a MLC, so I hope my comments might be helpful. Then again, I've also noticed that each person's situation and M is different...

- have an open, no pressure conversation. My wife tried forcing me to decide M or D. For us, it was 3 months of an emotional rollercoaster. Considering MLC, maybe six months is similar. I chose to stay, but I have some resentment that makes me want to run because I chose before I was sure.

- When he wants to linger, help him feel loved and wanted. I'm sure it is hard, but while my W took the point of view that she wasn't going to be weak and towed a tough line, I wasn't feeling I was losing much of anything.

- I'm not sure if MC is something he's looking for, but if he is, consider agreeing. My W didn't want to, but when she finally did I wasn't so excited. One post said, "It's normal to have wayward feelings after a separation because maybe you were finally beginning to accept your life without her and then BAM, a reconciliation talk comes up." If he has gotten too used to being out, it takes more to get back in (or something dramatic).

- "not taking it seriously enough". I felt/feel that way, too. Do you know what he wants out of your relationship? Maybe he is having problems expressing what is missing, or maybe he's afraid to tell you. I have had attraction problems with my wife and it was hard to say that I wanted to have her dress up for me as she would for others. I was afraid she'd freak if I told her - she kind of did, too. Still, if I thought I couldn't say it, I wouldn't have been able to even try getting back together.

- Many people have reminded me that if I can get the M to a more stable position, it makes it easier to look forward. I'm not sure how to do that when D is on the table. Maybe just pretend it is improving and do your best.

The worst thing my wife told me was that she would change after I did. It isn't just a threat - it's a dagger. If he's in MLC, I'm willing to guess that he wants to feel that he's wanting and choosing to be in the relationship rather than feeling like he is afraid of losing you. Isn't the D paperwork enough for that?

I've read lots about the 'going dark' stuff, and it seems to have worked for many. I think caution needs to be taken because if my W backed out too much, I would've been very ready to move on, too. Maybe it would work, though...

Good patience to you...may God help the best occur for you both, whatever that might be.

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