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#1850624 10/05/09 08:58 PM
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RonD Offline OP
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I'm new here and wanted to say thanks for having a site like this to go to for advice. Last Friday would have been my 20th anniversary. July 31 of this year my wife and I divorced. It's almost surreal how fast it happened; we discussed it on a Friday and were divorced the following Friday. There seemed to be little love left between us at the time. I didn't understand what was going on and was hurt and confused. I asked her what was wrong (she seemed down) and she said nothing, how are you doing? I said I felt like there wasn't much left between us anymore, she agreed, I said "what do we do?" and she said "We should get a divorce."

I agreed because that's what she seemed to want and I didn't know what else to do. I miss her terribly, feel like I've lost my only friend, and would like to try and get back together.

Steps I've taken so far:

Read Divorce Remedy
I start counseling for my depression Thursday
Am trying hard to give her space.
I brought up reconciliation and she's been waffling. Never a no, but nothing firm and I understand that so I've backed off. We see each other frequently (I have custody of our 15 year old son and she lives with her mother, my 18 year old daughter and year old grandson.

I'd sure appreciate any advice on steps I should (or should not) take and ideas on how to treat her and act around her at this time. I should note that we almost never fought, but like lots of men I was ALWAYS right and didn't realize how much she gave to the relationship. I'm starting to see it now and hope I'm not too late.

Thanks.


Ron

M: 47
W: 50
D: 19
S: 16
Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son)
Married: 10/2/89
Divorced: 7/31/09
XW moved back home 11/12
Re-married 5/25/10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 407
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I understand how you feel. I hate to say it but the best advice is to pay attention to the advice from DR and work very hard on yourself. That seems a no-brainer and it doesn't happen over night but becoming the best you you can be will go farther than anything else.

Understanding the dynamics that led up to this will help you avoid them in the future. And hopefully lead you to make the positive changes you really need.

Don't force anything on your W. She will run from you. Be gentle and understanding. Hopefully there's not too much resentment between you two. Avoid bringing up the topic of reconciliation. No needy gestures of affection. Just try to be kind.

I hope it works for you. If you do the work on yourself she may notice. Also realize she's got her own work to do. You both have to get healthy before you can move toward something better. Don't skip that step or you'll be right back where you are and it will hurt even more. Trust me on that.


~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
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Quote:
It's almost surreal how fast it happened; we discussed it on a Friday and were divorced the following Friday.


How in the world did it happen that quickly?


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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RonD Offline OP
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Thanks, Mark, that's about what I got from DR. I had asked her if she would have gone to counseling had I asked before the divorce and she said yes; she seems to want to stay in a holding pattern for now until I show some effort and change which I fully understand. Thankfully this forum is here; I don't have much of a support group and this helps a ton. And getting the help I need is my priority right now, along with the kids.

Ron

Me: 46
Ex: 50
Together: 21 years
M: 10/89
D: 7/31/09


Ron

M: 47
W: 50
D: 19
S: 16
Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son)
Married: 10/2/89
Divorced: 7/31/09
XW moved back home 11/12
Re-married 5/25/10
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 96
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RonD Offline OP
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In Oregon, an uncontested divorce, even with children (as long as they are older) is almost drive through. Downloaded the forms, filled them out, had them notarized at work and paid the fee. The judge waived the parenting class and the waiting period without even looking at our faces; just signed away. I figure it could realistically be done in less than 4 hours here if you tried.

Ron


Ron

M: 47
W: 50
D: 19
S: 16
Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son)
Married: 10/2/89
Divorced: 7/31/09
XW moved back home 11/12
Re-married 5/25/10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 110
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HA Holm if I may kindly jump in...
I have come to the realization that (like you said HA Holm ) My wife kept giving and giving for a long time and became burnt out and is emotionally divorced from me. I have two daughters 3 and 7. My wife went to her parents and told them she has been unhappy with her marriage and wanted out. I was the second to know what her plan was. It was shocked to say the least and I have so much respect for her parents it brought me to my knees. We went to two cancelling appointments and both times she made it clear she did not want to spend the rest of her life with me and we never going back. The councilor was completely on hundred percent on her side and they both chopped me up into small pieces. I admitted (everything )being controlling nit picky and moody at times. Now I understand the issues and I am more than willing to make the necessary changes. She had kept all of her emotion bottled up inside of her for more than 5 years and I could do whatever I wanted and she would not ever say a word like it or not. She never shed a tear and was and is as solid as a rock. WAW to a tee she has it all planned out. We both have lawyers and are finalizing our legal separation and the house is on the market to be sold. I have been sleeping and living downstairs for the past 6 months. We are amicable towards each other we continue the everyday routine of dinners bath time reading etc with the girls. Once the girls go to bed I make my way downstairs and read or watch TV. I have been detaching for the past 5 months doing 180’s doing more than my share with all the household chores. Helping around the house and dealing with the girls was never an issue, it was the controlling belittling and nagging that got me to where I am today. I showed her no respect and that alone was a huge deal breaker. I admit I did all of the pleading begging and now I have “ let the rope go” I do not check up on her I go out with my friends on weekends and give her all the space she needs. I forgot to mention my oldest daughter is seven and my wife and I have not gone out on a date just the two of use in seven years, yep I do not tell a lie. All my focus and energy was on my girls big mistake. I do realize that we need to separate and she is a completely different person now she has walked away emotionally. My wife has always had low self esteem which I would at times pray on. My comments on certain Saturday nights after a few beers would be off the cuff (not meaning harm) but would crush her emotionally. I have been and still am in an anger management group class because I have an great ability to heart with words and sometimes I do not know how strong and powerful they can be. My wife asks me often how my appointments are coming and I am more than willing to share my experiences with her. The roller coaster ride is endless but even though the house is empty of all our personal belongings and we will be moving on sharing the girls 50 / 50 who really knows where we will end up. I work on myself and pursue here in no way. Do I love her… maybe maybe not. Does’ my wife love me maybe maybe not… but we are at the point where serious time apart is needed for mental health. I can only say our girls will be paying the ultimate price on whatever happens. One thing is clear, no matter what, life will never be the same again. I wish for patents …. Patents….. patents forgiveness and mental strength for my whole family.
Stitch

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Little update on my situation. Went to my son's soccer game today; sat next to my ex and we shared babysitting the grandson and though I just wanted to cry and tell her how much I love her I kept a smile and let her set the tone. It's homecoming week so we have another soccer game Wednesday, she wants to sit with me at the big football game Thursday and Friday I'm meeting her for lunch to get some nice clothes for my son (he's growing like a weed) for the dance Friday night. Thursday night I start therapy and she said she'd like to know how it goes and to keep her updated, but I think I'll let her lead on that also. And, she asked me to come up to her place for Halloween and take our grandson on the rounds while she hands out candy. Maybe we're learning to be friends again. I think I'll just stick by my plan and see where it leads us. And I have to agree with Stitch that time apart is essentiial so I can concentrate on working through my issues. The hardest thing right now for me seems to be a lack of patience and courage but I'll need plenty of both.

Ron


Ron

M: 47
W: 50
D: 19
S: 16
Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son)
Married: 10/2/89
Divorced: 7/31/09
XW moved back home 11/12
Re-married 5/25/10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 110
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Rant
I came home from work yesterday and found the house for sale sign in the ground, my youngest d4 was shocked and said dad why are we selling the house (so smart) I said to find another house to live in. I was upset to see the reality of the sign and the comment from my daughter. We went inside and had dinner with d7 d4 and the wife, I said very little and my wife was upbeat (this is what she wants… all good for her). I ate very little then went downstairs to continue to de clutter the downstairs putting things into the garage. My wife came down stairs and said she was stepping out for a few minutes, I did not respond to her, she said more than once please answer me. I chose to continue working and not reply. (I have done all the work inside and out to get the house ready to sell and she has done nothing… frustrating) When she came home we put the girls to bed and she actually pulled out the vacuum and started vacuuming downstairs. I want into the bedroom and started viewing her e-mails on her phone. She keeps it in her purse (never hides it) just like I never hide my phone or block it. ( I have nothing to hide). I found one e-mail from someone code name swank ( is this not a nude magazine name??) It said you, referring to my wife, should go down to the YMCA down the road and check out all the hot single guys and “ stalk them out smiley face”. Her reply “maybe I should” I think it was just a general comment from one of her friends. Still code name Swank???? I then went downstairs and continue working and my wife tried to talk to me about stuff that should be moved and I said very little except do what you feel is right. She kept trying to carry a conversation about furniture and I chose not to answer… she said please answer me (more than once) she then said.. I am sure to get a rise out of me… “how are we going to co parent our girls 50 / 50 when you are being like this”. She definitely threw a punch with that comment. I took it straight on the chin went to one knee waited for the 10 count got up on the 8 count and continued working saying nothing. She got something caught in the vacuum and asked for my help I said no, you take care of it. All in all it was a most depressing night for me, I felt I handled the situation the best I could by just saying nothing. Normally I would spout off something negative towards her creating more tension, but consciously chose to say nothing. I picked up the DR book yesterday and started to read the first chapter, very scary how they talk about my marriage to a tea. Lawyers are starting to aggravate me in regards to the legal separation that should have been signed weeks ago.
Stitch

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RonD Offline OP
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I think the worst thing you can do is get aggravated and let your emotions take over. Step back and think about what the anger and aggravation will accomplish - NOTHING! Not saying you have to be happy with the situation, but I wouldn't do anything to make it worse. And read that book! It gave me a ton of insight into how I've acted towards my ex and my kids; a real eye opener. I know I need help and am getting it now; hopefully my ex will see that and respond in a positive way. Already seeing some baby steps after just under a week. I don't want to get my hopes up so I'm being cautious but it's much better than a kick in the teeth.


Ron

M: 47
W: 50
D: 19
S: 16
Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son)
Married: 10/2/89
Divorced: 7/31/09
XW moved back home 11/12
Re-married 5/25/10
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
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Quote:
She kept trying to carry a conversation about furniture and I chose not to answer… she said please answer me (more than once) she then said.. I am sure to get a rise out of me… “how are we going to co parent our girls 50 / 50 when you are being like this”

In Divorce Remedy I believe there's a section talking about whether what you are doing is helping you become closer to your spouse.

I guess my question would be was the silent treatment something that will help you get closer to your spouse?

I know it's tough. I had a counseling session this morning and we went through a recent phone call with my W and the counselor pointed out how I missed several opportunities to really listen to her, empathize with her situation. Every interaction is a chance to show her you are growing, she reminded me.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
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