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#1804090 07/19/09 03:29 AM
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OK, so, my last thread has been locked. Have to start a new one.

Overall, a good day. Mostly doing stuff around the house. Errands (grocery store, etc.). Grilled for dinner and watched Britcoms on PBS like we always do on Saturday night. If you did not know W had mentioned D, and you were at my house with us, you would be shocked to know we are having problems. Maybe that's good - mood seems to be light and without tension. W seems very realxed around me. Almost relaxed enough for me to...nope. I'm not initiating any R talk or pursuing. I have worked too hard up to this point to blow it. Just noting that I almost feel comfortable enough around her to do that. But, I won't.

Weird thing is I felt less pull towards my W today. I really just enjoyed what I was doing - downloaded some new music to my iPod, so I listened to it today while doing yard work and things around the house. Weather here was nice, so top down (convertible) while running errands.

Good workout this morning. Wow, the gym was packed with some very attractive women. Not that I am going to act on it (not right while I am still M'd), but the realization of what is out there helps. Like to think a good guy like me would be an attractive person.

Anyway, we pick up our S9 tomorrow at camp. Haven't heard from him all week. I really miss him and can't wait to see him tomorrow. We should all have a good time picking him up tomorrow.


Me 43, S11, D7
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I see the women at the gym, too. I wonder if the M truly does die, how difficult it would be to meet one.


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M-8
S-6
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Bomb 5/08
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Thought things were better, was wrong.
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Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
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Let me start (Sandi) by saying I'm not looking. But one cannot help but wonder orich.

From talking to a lot of my female friends, all I hear is how many players and serial daters there are out there. I just don't think it would be difficult to meet women. Finding the right one, if that's what you want, well, that may take some time. But, the sea is very big indeed. wink


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So we just returned from picking up S9 from camp. Glad he's back. We are going to grill some burgers and dogs for him, and W made a special cake for him.

Trip was pleasant enough. On the way up, W says she needs to get her care serviced (our mechanic is very close to my office). W said she may have to take her car to someplace closer to her office since she could not take it to our old mechanic, then get to work on time. Yeah, I know, she's asking in a round a bout way for me to do it. Old me would have said, oh, I will take care of that. New me said well, I am happy to take it, but that's your call. No respons eon that one. And I don't care.

So later, she calls one of her former bosses (who lives in another state) to discuss her current job prob's. During the conversation, W is talking about a day when her mother went to work with W and W tried introducing her mother to W's boss. During this part, W tells her old boss who she called that "You know, my mom came up and you know how you introduce your family to your co-workers." No one's asked me. Am I not family? Ok then. No sweat.

We show up at the camp, and one of the kids in my S's cabin is one of S's buddies. This kid's mom I suspect is one of my W's advisors who is telling W D is a good thing and it is not so bad for the kids. All crap. This lady went through a D with children and is about to be re-married. Anyway, there is a lunch for everyone, and we end up sitting at the table just next to this woman. She does not acknowledge my presence - has her back turned to me the entire time (at which time she is talking to me W). When this woman gets up, makes no effort to speak at all. Ok, no problem, I rellay don't like you very much anyway.

So, on the way home, I am thinking whether I should even mention this to W and if so, how without sounding like I'm complaining. When we get home, I have decided to tell her. I ask W in passing whether I did something to make XXX mad? W says "No, why?" "Well, b/c she didn't even look at me." W says no, XXX has never said anything bad about you. I said, well, it's no big deal to me, I don't care, just made an observation. W says well maybe it was just the way XXX was sitting.

Anyway, I am still in a pretty good mood. I am glad I mentioned what I still think was pretty rude by XXX. I was calm when I said it and mentioned it more as a note I made rather than being offended.

Still seem stuck - and I'm just going to have to trust Coach on this one that we are not stuck. Just feels that way. But, even if we are stuck, for now, it's better than W backing away. Wish I had a crystal ball (don't we all) to see what event (if it happens) will give rise to W wanting to work on the M. Oh yeah, and I would like to know when that's coming. That's all.


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such simple requests ....

whe placed in the right hands that is!


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Tomato,

He might have a different time schedule than I do. Just want some intel is all. wink


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haha ...."might"!?!

He always gets His way ... and in the mean time character is further built upon. He seasons us (like we are His T-bone or somethin'? ... LOL)


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Quote:
Let me start (Sandi) by saying I'm not looking. But one cannot help but wonder orich.
grin You guys!

Glad you are doing better. Just wanted to tell you to let your W "talk" about her job problems. We don't expect our H to "fix" it, but we need them to "listen" really well and let us talk it out. The best thing in the world is to validate her concerns or anger about the "unfairness". She wants you to support her feelings. My H use to point out how I was spreading myself too thin and things like that, but it made me feel as if he was criticizing me. Then I would feel hurt at him. So, the main thing is to listen and let her get it off her chest. I think it's a good sign that she turns to you to talk about that.

My DIL use to go home and talk about how badly she was treated at her job place and my son would be ready to go wipe the place out....lol. Then my DIL would feel better after talking, but my S would still be upset. Of course, "Mom" had to have a talk with son about how women are and then he got better at just listening. cool (lol)







It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi.

Hope you are feeling better.

I am glad to hear your advice b/c it is precisely what I have been doing. Just listening and telling her "I know that is frustrating." I am not trying to fix anything. Old me would have - probably just being a man.

Sandi, I do have a question for you (and any others out there). Did you, as an almost WAW, ever reach a point where you were simply satisfied with a R that involved your H being around, but only as a friend? Yes, this goes back to my thinking we are stuck right now. W could be distracted by the work issue.

Another question would be whether this "friend" stage is actually part of the process of a WAS maybe taking a breath to think about what they said in the heat of the moment when they dropped the bomb. I recall you, I think, saying the early stages involved becoming friends again. Until that is in place, then love cannot "re-ignite" so to speak. I just don't want to become stuck inbetween those points.


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HI, GIMA,

I read through a portion of your first thread, and then this one so while I haven't read every word, I do have a few insights to share - even tho I'm not entirely sure if I'm a WAW or not.

I don't think you're stuck. There was a time in our house where we were still in the same house but separate bedrooms. I was calling us separated. For about 2-4 months, things seemed to get better. He was more relaxed, easier to be around, funny again, not drinking, doing more housework, etc. Me, I was watching like a hawk, confused, wondering if all of this was real or just temporary like it had been before.

I was literally only a day or two from telling him I wanted to end the in-house separation and give 100% to reconciliation when I discovered the affair with my best friend. And then I just left. So hurt and devastated - and hugely friggin angry that I'd been suckered - that all I could do was tuck tail and run, bawling so hard on the drive I was worried I'd hit something.

So while I can't promise she's like me, status quo may only LOOK like status quo. Unless you've had a name changes here, you've been at this 2 months? May to July? You're not stuck and changes in her might be percolating below the surface. Give it more time and keep on keeping on.

Let me give you another tip - those books are a further sign that she's confused. If she was as dead sure as she says, she wouldn't be reading them. She'd be doing it. See, sometimes it can help to try on something new - meaning life as a divorced person - vicariously, in small steps, by reading about it. The whole while, you're trying to feel the thing out - Is that me? Is this how I feel? Could I do that? The answer could be yes - or no. Just don't push because pushing tips things toward leaving.

Hang in there!

Dia


The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
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