I am trying to understand what a general positive scenario is from DB side of things. WAS walks away. LBS is GAL. WAS wants LBS back. What happens next? Do WAS and LBS get back together and MC? Do either of them want changes in each other before considering MC and getting back? I understand DB is about stopping divorce, not fixing your marriage. Am I right? Does it mean spouses must want to reconcile despite all the crap they've broken up over in the first place? So when they do get back together they possibly will change or possibly won't.
I am trying to understand what a general positive scenario is from DB side of things. WAS walks away. LBS is GAL.
Easier said than done. It's hard to break out of the funk and regain your equilibrium. You almost have to reinvent yourself. I'm in the process and it's hard. Every day is a challenge.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
WAS wants LBS back.
That's the idea, but it doesn't always work out that way. If you pin your hopes on that, you could sabotage your efforts. Keep it as a possibility and be ready for it, but your changes have to be to make YOU a better you.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
What happens next?
There's no set pattern. It depends on you, your spouse and the specific problems.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
Do WAS and LBS get back together and MC? Do either of them want changes in each other before considering MC and getting back?
They had better DEMAND changes or they're headed for the same problems.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
I understand DB is about stopping divorce, not fixing your marriage. Am I right? Does it mean spouses must want to reconcile despite all the crap they've broken up over in the first place? So when they do get back together they possibly will change or possibly won't.
Ideally people want to reconcile because they love the other person. Hopefully, they see some hope in the other person because of meaningful changes in behavior. These changes have to be true and permanent or they won't work and won't convince anyone to spend the rest of their life with someone.
Think about it. I want my W to spend her life with me. Was I fun? Was I caring? Affectionate? Reliable? No.
A WAS has to be entirely convinced their life will be better with the LBS than alone or with someone else.
The positive scenario is that a person regains their life, their dignity and can move forward with or without the WAS.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
A general positive scenario is...that no matter WHAT happens, you are a better you. SOmetimes...the WAS looks at the better you and thinks...I want to be with that person....then piecing starts. Counseling, reconciling, setting boundaries , maybe not in that order. Other times the LBS decides they can do better and move on. Either way, its a better scenario.
Reconciliation is about saying your sorry, forgiving each other, then it is about doing your penance (work/good deeds).
Like DB it's about solutions, what's it going to take for you both to have the marriage you want. What are all the issues, how will they be resolved? It's actually a lot of fun. You experience self-growth, passion, maturity, love, honesty, dialouge, differentiation, and intimacy on a whole new level. It's not without it's potential pitfalls but awareness, strength and wisdom carry you thru. I still use DB principles in my life.
You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
