hi all, i'm new here, so i apologize if i don't have all the lingo down...anyway, i read "divorce busters" quite a few years ago, and it worked for me then, so now i'm turning to it again...any advice or comments are welcome as i seem to find myself just going around in circles. here's the background/situation: i have been married since 1990, and we have an 18 y/o daughter who just started college (living on campus a couple of hours away). i raised my husband's two boys from his previous marriage, and although that was a rough road to hoe at times, we made it and the boys turned out great, and i am happy to say we have great relationships now that they are adults. our daughter is happy and successful, as am i. my husband was a vibrant person when i met him, but the very day he was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes, on our first anniversary, he started changing and developing a defeatist attitude. several years ago he was downsized and ultimately laid-off from his professional job of 20 years. he has had difficulties holding even minimum-wage jobs since then, and is presently on unemployment for the second time. the unemployment is about to run out--it's not even comparable to minimum wage, but it's something, ya know? i'm a teacher, so summers around here have always been a bit difficult, but worse these last few years. for far too long we've had car reposessions, no christmas, and trouble keeping our bank account current. oh, and the irs has just relabeled us as uncollectable for this year (again)--we owe something like 40k because he didn't file our taxes for years (i really thought he was handling this stuff--now i handle all the finances). if he would get even a minimum-wage job we could afford to pay for a bankruptcy to take the financial strain off our backs, but i don't believe he is really looking. he spends a ridiculous amount of time playing online backgammon or cell phone games. always sitting in the chair, always with the tv on. i know he feels badly about his situation, but i am just so frustrated because he doesn't really seem to do anything about it...last year i pushed him to drive a cab to make some money and he ended up having a terrible accident which resulted in his losing his license and a tooth. can't afford to take care of either unless he gets some kind of j-o-b. i am a strong believer in the law of attraction, have been for years--not just since "the secret" hit the scene, and i'm starting to feel like we are experiencing irreconcilable differences as he refuses to read any of my books beyond a cursory glance...i know we are in a 'bad' economy, but i have a friend who "couldn't" find a job and placed all these limitations on herself regarding the type of job she would accept. i bet her i would find her perfect job within 2 days of looking when i was looking for a summer job myself, and i found the perfect job. she quit after 1 day, and now we're not friends, i think because she now knows i know that she really doesn't want to work. i find myself comparing my husband to my friend. i've tried talking to him about possible depression and suggesting counseling (he says will let me know), and blowing up at him all to no avail. i could afford to walk out with one paycheck, so long as i could find an apartment with bad credit--heh, but we have 4 dogs and that complicates moving, plus how on earth would he take care of himself?? i don't think he could. he would have to move in with one of his boys or back home with his parents. i'd hate to do that to him, but i'm just plain wore out. and then, i have my daughter's emotions to consider...she's close with her dad, but she's smart enough to see the writing on the wall. i'm happy all day at work then i come home and want to scream. he does do wonderful things like make my lunch for me to take to work, makes me coffee in the morning, and does dishes and makes dinner, but i don't want a maid. he didn't do these things before--i feel like he is trying to appease me. i would just rather he get a job. we haven't had a physical relationship for years due to his diabetes issues. i imagine that some would say cut off the cell phone, but we don't have a house phone, and presumably he needs that to job hunt. i could cut off the cable tv, but it irritates me to have to do so when it is such a small pleasure for me, too. should i stay or should i go? for quite some time i have thought that i'd leave him when our daughter started college, but it's really more complicated than that...i take good care of me and have lots of outside interests & friends--that actually feels worse when i come home and he hasn't moved. some days i have to yell at him to take a shower.....do ultimatums work? should i say, okay, if you don't have a job by such-and-such date, i'm moving out? what is even a reasonable length of time at this point?? he's supposed to get a 12 week extension on the unemployment, for what that is worth. i dream of living alone; it sounds great to me, but i feel badly knowing he can't support himself...
i wanted to add that i think i have made the decision to make a decision based on the advice i receive here, so please feel free to speak up. i'm not used to asking for help...
or, is it better to not give him an ultimatum verbally? i mean, he definitely knows how frustrated i am....please help...no responses yet...i was so hoping for some help tonight...
Welcome to the community. I know you are worn down and tired mentally and emotionally from all this junk you are carrying around.
Your H was probably influenced by a doctor who did not talk as positive as your H needed when he was dianosed......or "somebody else" might have influcened him to think he would not live as long as the "normal" person.....or whatever. A person with diabetes hears all type of horror stories when they are first diagnosed......and not always from the doctor, but so-called friends. Anyway, you probably know that depression is one of the many side-effects of Type I Diabetes. He doesn't have energy, so that is another battle he faces each day.
When you consider all the physical things he is going through--added to the lack of income.....it sounds as if he has given up and instead of "facing" responsibilities, he is hiding away in these games he is playing. BTW, that backgammon is nothing more than a sex chat room for many people....so he could be making inappropriate contacts through that game--that has him hooked.
Many people find themselves in the same stitch you are in....without any health problem. Did your H have a hard time holding down a job due to taking a lot of sick days? I would think that he probably does not see a lot of future in holding down minimum wage jobs, but now days one has to do what has to be done! As his W, you are so discouraged with his attitude and lack of spunk that you are ready to throw in the towell.
It is hard for so many women to have the same attraction for their H when he is not working, regardless of how much cooking and household chores he does. Whenever a man does not do whatever a woman thinks as being a "man's role" to carry out in the M.....then I believe that attraction is cut off. Plus, serious debt problems is a "killer" to a M.
You are in a decision making place in your life. You feel that you've come to a crossroad and need to do something. I can understand you trying to consider everyone you have mentioned, however, you have to think about yourself, too. I won't go into any details right now, but maybe if you made a list that named the pros & cons you've thought about. List the reasons you need or want to stay in the M. Then list the reason you need or want to leave. Can you say that you really "need" to leave? Do you feel that staying is sucking the life out of you? I guess what I'm asking is....would it be a matter of "wanting to leave" or "needing to leave"? That sounds very unfair of me, I know. When I came here to the board, I was trying to make up my mind about what I should do, also.
Have you talked real plain to your H and told him exactly how you feel that you've lost respect for him due to the way the two of you have lived? You know, we have to spell it out for some of our guys, and for sure...don't expect him to just know how frustrated you are.
I'll check back later. Hope you will keep coming for support. It takes a little while for people to find you and start responding. You can build your support group by going to other threads and posting to them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you, it was really nice to get a response...i definitely can relate to having the life sucked out of me...not sure if i want to stay even if he does get a job...how do you leave someone who can't take care of themselves financially? not sure if i'm up for that particular guilt trip, but on the other hand, i want to enjoy my life more!
I went through some similar issues that you are in. This is just my opinion but I think a W loses respect for her H when he is doing like yours. It is obvious you can't "admire" him and that takes a toll on other things.....like the sex drive, etc. Have you talked to him in a very plain way (like drawing a picture) of what you need to see him do?
I believe one important thing is to not do anything that looks as if you are mothering him. If we W's begin to mother our H's then we won't be attracted to him like a W should be. He just becomes another child for us to take care of.......and that is how we will begin to talk to him. You know, like telling him what he "needs to do".
Have to leave for work, but I'll talk later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
don't underestimate depression. I am not making excuses for your h, but I went through a depression and it paralizes you to the point where not only do you lack energy to do anything, but you honestly don't even THINK you can do anything. A minimum wage job FEELS too hard -- trust me. I was a person making over 100 grand a year and when the depression hit, I couldn't get out of bed.
Spark is sure right about how depression can affect a person! I also discovered that my H gets real "slack" when I do not act upbeat, happy, energetic, etc. in our M and daily life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks for the responses...yes, i have definitely lost respect for him--definitely getting to the point where i just don't care anymore...i beleive he is depressed to a degree, but he ignores my attempts to get him into counseling (free with our insurance, btw), and walks around whistling. he sighs alot when parked in his chair. he has started j-o-b hunting a bit more seriously this last couple of days after my last explosion at him, but he has left two interviews he got off craigslist saying they are crap. for some reason, this makes me all the madder at him, to the point where he told me to just stop speaking to him. more and more i imagine living alone without him to worry about...deep down i believe that if he really wanted a job, he'd have gotten one a long time ago. i'm a teacher; every summer i have to get a job, and other times in my life ive worked more than one job--never have i gone more than a few days without income. i think the economy is irrelevent when you create your own opportunities--he is using this as a cop-out. i can't bring myself to reread the db book. starting to think that i want him to get on his feet so i can leave without guilt.
I am thinking you are right about it being a cop-out. I know jobs are hard to find, but it is his attitude that is telling the story for how it truly is. I find it amazing at how many women I have known that has to work a couple of jobs at a time in order to make ends meet......but their H's either do not work or they have their 9-5 job and when it's over they go home and that it the end of their day. Anyway, guess that is another story, but I do appreciate those H's and dads that get out there and work more than one job in order to support their families.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
