Hello, new member here. Hope I didn't find DR too late. Writing to document my DB efforts. Open to advice also.
I've got a WW (MLC?) after M 28 very good years.
Back in April/May W complained about work schedule leaving little time for personal/friend time. She immediately started going out most every evening with 'work people', coming home quite late, weekend at a friends/sister's, etc. By late May I had sniffed out the A and confronted her. She admitted. ILYBNIL. Throughout June and into July more of the same behavior. Hardly ever around when I was there. Stopped by house periodically in my absence to see both Ds and get her things. She formally moved out late July.
During this time and up until late August I was the poster child for what NOT to do, and prob broke 3/4 of Sandi's rules. Clingy, needy, pleading, notes, texts, date-setting efforts to talk, etc. Most of my efforts in the past month were centered around setting a date to talk about R. The set date would approach and W would kick the can. Happened several times. I was mopey/despondent/depressed all the while.
Found DR by accident last weekend (early Sept). Read it thru a couple times in as many days. Much in DR I hadn't considered before. Worth a try at this point.
As luck would have it, I had actually gotten W to agree to commit to talk about R finally. (I had threatened that if she didn't show, I would take that as her final answer and file for D.) That talk was scheduled for today.
However, earlier in the week after considering how to start my DBing, I decided I would do a 180 at the meeting and suggest just going out to eat, movie, or something fun instead. But then I realized I was really in LRT territory, so I texted and cancelled the meeting two days ago and went dark. So, here's the guy who was pressing and pressing to talk for months suddenly not wanting to talk after all.
Well, yesterday my phone blew up. W tried to call maybe 20 times. Cell, office, even coaxed D20 to call on her behalf, I later found out. Me: ignore, ignore, ignore. Then a text comes. "If you don't call me immediately, I'll never speak to you again." Me: ignore.
Silence in the 24 hours since that text.
By chance, I had already started some GAL before reading DR, just to help my anxiety. But now I'm increasing my GAL efforts. Church group, dinner w friends, exercise. Still need a hobby. I had enjoyed investing but that's on hold right now as we have separated some finances and I've got to watch what I spend closely. (She is the primary breadwinner.)
So that's where I've been and where I am. Let's see what happens...
Me48 W46 D22 D20 T30 M28 BD/PA revealed 05/2017 W moved out 06/2017 DB started 9/6/2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Well, yesterday my phone blew up. W tried to call maybe 20 times. Cell, office, even coaxed D20 to call on her behalf, I later found out. Me: ignore, ignore, ignore. Then a text comes. "If you don't call me immediately, I'll never speak to you again." Me: ignore.
AG,
First off I am really sorry your are here but as I can see DB is already paying off. Classic distance/pursuit phenomenon.
You have to admire the mindset of the WW.
Sounds like you are a quick study and understand begging, pleading and pursuing was only making your situation worse.
Continue NC and only answer actionable questions regarding the children.
What do you think caused her to go outside the marriage?
We are here to help so please ask questions, vent here as often as possible.
The day I confronted her, she said she wasn't looking for it; it kinda just happened unexpectedly. She had been feeling stressed and it was an escape. She said she felt guilty and would not sleep with anyone anymore. I'm fairly certain she hasn't honored that statement. Ds both told me she has dated also since moving out; one a middle school bf from back in the day.
I've never pressed her for details who, what, when, where. That would only make it worse for me.
Me48 W46 D22 D20 T30 M28 BD/PA revealed 05/2017 W moved out 06/2017 DB started 9/6/2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Looking back, I was probably too clingy for her. I've always enjoyed her company and seen her as my best friend. She's always my first choice for hanging out or doing things with. Maybe I needed a little GAL all along, but I was happy how things were. Perhaps she became disenchanted, even subconsciously. She never really let on, though, that I can recall. If she dropped hints I completely missed them.
Me48 W46 D22 D20 T30 M28 BD/PA revealed 05/2017 W moved out 06/2017 DB started 9/6/2017
She does have a stubborn side, so I'm expecting some silence after her "not speaking to you anymore" threat.
After that, I'm expecting some 'woe is me' stuff. "You win. I'll never be happy again, I've lost my family..."
I expect I might even get seduced at some point in an effort to 'put the cake back out on the table.' My apologies to those whose dislike 'cake eater' but it's appropriate for how I see her right now.
I'm not feeling bitter at this time; in fact, part of me feels sorry for her (but no longer in a way that will allow me to be manipulated). She must have been in a hard place at some point, and I didn't even see it.
Me48 W46 D22 D20 T30 M28 BD/PA revealed 05/2017 W moved out 06/2017 DB started 9/6/2017
We all missed those signs. I will tell you I spent the first two months after my wife dropped the bomb on me telling her I missed her signs. You are not alone. Correct your mistakes, and don't look back. Become the best you possible. GAL and enjoy your life. Let her come along as you become a person only a fool would leave.
I will tell you I dwelled on my mistakes for too long. I wish I would of found this site right after BD. I did all the wrong things for almost 2 months. Now I'm doing a lot better.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Sorry your here but welcome a board. This place is awesome and is the only reason I feel as good as I do!
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She does have a stubborn side, so I'm expecting some silence after her "not speaking to you anymore" threat.
I am right there with you. I know my W, she is stubborn as h$ll, never admits wrong and I will not give up easily!
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I'm not feeling bitter at this time; in fact, part of me feels sorry for her (but no longer in a way that will allow me to be manipulated). She must have been in a hard place at some point, and I didn't even see it.
Me either it doesn't do any good. As soon as you can get your confidence back the quicker you will get on your feet and be able to move.
Do whatever you need to do to get your mojo back. I have been hitting the gym hard, bought a ton of new clothes, lotions, creams, cologne, new hair cut, etc.
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She must have been in a hard place at some point, and I didn't even see it.
Sometimes it hard to pick up the signals or you see the signals and don't understand how serious they were.
the best thing you can is just take care of yourself and take all the focus of your W.
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After that, I'm expecting some 'woe is me' stuff. "You win. I'll never be happy again, I've lost my family..."
The general rule of thumb is to only respond to actionable text messages or emails. Don't respond immediately, vary your response times so she doesn't think your just sitting around waiting. When you respond keep it short "Yes", "No", etc.
