Here again part 10

[T384]

http://divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2748678&page=12


I don't know what the URL is cadet I deleted the Www. So I hope this works.

Sandi, 25 and Own. Thank you for your words! I'm on my phone so I probably won't be able to address everything or close to it

I know THIS M is over but is he a lost cause? Is my hoping he will snap out of this a lost cause?

Sandi, I know I have to DTR. I really do not communicate with him with the exception of what I put here. I know me worrying about communication shows I haven't gotten close to DTR. When he's in the house I do pretty much what you say. I go about my plans and what I want to do with him here. But it is uncomfortable for me because I feel like he's judging me or using anything he can to fuel his feelings of negativity about me.

I know you all are so annoyed with me and over giving me advice. I appreciate all of your patience. I'm not ready to give up that this is going to be the life for me forever. That I will forever share my boys and my new baby 50/50 for all holidays etc. I am fighting against accepting that right now. This is not the life I want for us. That's where all my frustrations, fear, and anxiety comes from. I have to let it go. Trust me. I know all of this and I am actively working on trying to do so. Having to and wanting to are two completely different things that I'm trying to combine.

I stayed gone all weekend after I took the boys. We stayed at my moms. The boys went on the boat - I didn't invite H and he didn't ask to come. After my dads talk he didn't ask to do anything all weekend. Last night I got a text from asking if we ate. I told him the boys are on the boat and I wasn't with them. He asked if I was on my way home. I just said Yes. He asked if I wanted dinner. I told him, I'm good thanks. He said he would go somewhere if I wanted. I didn't reply. He then asked what I could have that was dairy free. He then named a restaurant there and asked if I wanted what I normally got. I said okay if you're going. I got home ate dinner on the couch watching TV where he was then retired to my room. My interaction wasn't someone that dropped the rope - I know.

Sandi I am in agreeement to do this if it's the only thing that will help me to stop crying and feeling the way I do when I'm alone... I will if it's the only thing you think can give me the possibility of this not being my life forever. If this can help him realize what he's doing or what he's losing.

I'm going to do what you're telling me. I'm struggling with accepting this as my life but I will act that way until it becomes second nature.

My dad told me H will come crawling back a day late and a dollar short. He said as he told him he will look at the boys and I and have to live with the regret of what he's done twice now for the rest of his life. That he will still be miserable and unhappy without me and it will take him getting away from me to see that I wasn't the one holding him back or causing his unhappiness. The C told H the same thing the last time we went. He said his demons will continue to follow him for the rest of his life with or without me. He said it's better to be with the Devil you know (me) then the one you don't (new R). He said you know T weakness and faults and you still chose her twice. That has to mean something.

So basically this is just more of the same. Same [censored] different day.

[OwnIt]

T3:

At least you realize it is the same. It is. Completely. Rinse and repeat.

You can move swiftly for a legal separation to protect your financial interests (assuming your state has that option). If not move for a separation contract. It does not have to be a divorce and you do not have to give up hope forever. You do need to follow Sandi's advice though and give up hope for now. You need to do that for you and your boys.

I took some heat for telling you that it didn't matter if there was an OW. I told you that because I sensed you still wouldn't let go and you were still creating all these boundaries you had no intention of following (all of the I'm done if this or that talk). You know there is an OW and you still don't want to let go. That is ok. Don't be shamed into doing something you don't want because of what anyone else says. Just please, stop drawing hard lines in the sand. Stop projecting the way you feel today across the rest of your life. Just take it day by day. Decide how you can behave today. I love the advice you've been giving on acting vs. reacting. Also, keep working on letting go of your control issues. I hope the snooping has come to an end. Given that you still want him in your lives despite the OW, anything you learn from this point on will just make that harder.

[Train]

If you follow sandi's advice, your H is either going to snap out of his ridiculousness - or he won't. But you can bet that - if you follow her advice - you will be a helluva lot happier a helluva lot quicker.

T, I know you don't want it, but I think you'd be SO much better off if H just got out of your hair for a few weeks at a time. That's the only thing that helped me when H was gone. But it's like he could sense when I was about to really let go, and here he came, rolling up in his truck to "move more things." It was always something. Finally, I realized how seeing him always set me back. And that's one main reason I was prepared to move.

I really hope that you will lawyer up and get financial support, at the very least, in motion - stat. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells just because you're afraid he's going to stop financially supporting his boys. And please TRY not to worry so much about splitting the kids for holidays etc. I know that fear very well, and I know what I'm saying is easier said than done. But, honestly, our fear of those things is usually so much worse than what ends up being reality. Right now, there are a lot of emotions involved. That won't always be the case.

[25yearsmlc]

What they said^^^.


Also, when you envision your life negatively, seeing only a sea of empty nights & holidays splitting the kids ahead of you, STOP.

That's^^^ not realistic, it's catastrophic thinking and it's paralyzing you.

None of us would suggest DTR or moving forward if we thought you'd be better off staying in this situation.

And none of us said there's no hope for this man.

I obviously don't know the numbers,

but I do believe the chances for you to eventually reconcile are higher by you moving on

(*you can leave the 'door' unlocked but you do need to close it for now).

I believe that without a reconciliation, you'll have moved forward faster and in a financial safer way than if you keep doing the same old.

So either way you need to DTR...and please

please make sure you are protecting yourself & your boys and not being held hostage by financial fears.

We are all rooting for you

[T384]

I hope you all know I'm going to do it. I've been working really hard to do so. I am a work in progress but I am getting better at letting go.


Is DTR me not giving a F about if I'm nice or not to him? Does DTR mean I'm not worried about being the person only a fool would leave?

He still continues to come to the house to stay over. I'm going to go by Sandis advice of just acting as if he's not there. Not that he's a guest or a neighbor.

Also on the OW topic. I'm not convinced it's physical. That's my wavering on the boundary. They text but haven't text since July 4 until today. He hasn't been talking to her other than that. There may be another OW because I can't see iPhone messages like the other girl at work I was worried about but there are a few phone calls between them recently for short amounts of time. I do believe he is interested in someone else.... I just don't know that it's physical. Yes he was with oW and her mom riding their motorcycles last week. I think he's intrigued by her but I don't know it's physical because he's at my house every night. I could. E very wrong and only time will tell of the truth not that it makes a huge difference now. My dad said there is someone else no doubt in his mind. He said there are chemical changes in the brain (as people have done research on) and that no man leaves his family with a newborn unless he thinks he has a better option.

[25yearsmlc]

I hope you all know I'm going to do it. I've been working really hard to do so. I am a work in progress but I am getting better at letting go.

^^this is not for the feint of heart.

Is DTR me not giving a F about if I'm nice or not to him? Does DTR mean I'm not worried about being the person only a fool would leave?

To ME...it's being civil, pleasant if possible but not with effort - and for sure not giving a f--- about what he's doing or if he is there.

An interesting GAL woman who knows she has value, IS a woman only a fool would leave.

There's a difference between knowing your worth/self respect b/c you know you deserve better,

and making an effort to validate/or speak in his love languages, to reconcile etc.


He still continues to come to the house to stay over. I'm going to go by Sandis advice of just acting as if he's not there. Not that he's a guest or a neighbor.

Also on the OW topic. I'm not convinced it's physical. That's my wavering on the boundary.

how much difference does this^^ make to you? He said he wants out & he acts like it.

They text but haven't text since July 4 until today. He hasn't been talking to her other than that. There may be another OW because I can't see iPhone messages like the other girl at work I was worried about but there are a few phone calls between them recently for short amounts of time. I do believe he is interested in someone else.... I just don't know that it's physical. Yes he was with oW and her mom riding their motorcycles last week. I think he's intrigued by her but I don't know it's physical because he's at my house every night. I could. E very wrong and only time will tell of the truth not that it makes a huge difference now. My dad said there is someone else no doubt in his mind. He said there are chemical changes in the brain (as people have done research on) and that no man leaves his family with a newborn unless he thinks he has a better option.

to me, this ^^^ is going to drive you nuts. $ucks out your energy...not sure it's productive at all.

So Decide how important the details are,

given the givens.

Sorry T3

[OwnIt]

T3, I think you need to accept that an affair is an affair. I have read and experienced first hand through my H that an EA is every bit, and perhaps more damaging, than a PA. With an EA it is all about fantasy and the feeling lingers until it is consummated or the fantasy is replaced. With a PA, it begins as fantasy and gets real much quicker. You are going to keep looking for the signs of which it is. You are going to keep your focus on him instead of you and the boys. Let it go. If a PA bothers you more than an EA, than accept it was a PA so you can get over it and won't endure a new round of heartache when you find out it has progressed to the physical.

You don't say anything about taking care of the legal end of your situation to protect you and the boys. Please take care of that while he is in a mood to be cooperative. Once that is sewed up, you can keep working on detaching and moving forward. First things first.

[Maybell]

What everyone else said.

And to put it more bluntly:

Without taking ANY OTHER FACTOR whatsoever into account. Without dissecting all the ifs, what ifs, and maybes,

Is what you KNOW FIRSTHAND of how he is treating you ACCEPTABLE to you?

If it is not, then nothing else matters, Nothing about how he feels or why he feels or anything he says matters. If you don't like how you are being treated, for yourself, then what else is there to talk about?

Put it another way. If you knew for certain that he was living like a monk in a back room somewhere, but everything else was the same -- how he talks to you, how little he respects you, how unhelpful he is, his willingness to blame you for his feelings without considering his responsibility for yours, etc. -- would that be tolerable to you?

Can you respect someone who you believe will leave you and your very young children financially destitute for petty reasons that you can't even articulate? Do you want to trust your family to someone who could be that selfish and cruel?

If the answer is no, then dissecting other women is just a procrastination tactic for doing what you know you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

I'm sorry for the 2x4, T, But the single most helpful thing I heard when I was where you are now is: KNOW YOUR WORTH.

Every person who has read your story, and ESPECIALLY those of us who've been with you from the beginning, is VERY clear on your worth. I rate it super high. You are an amazing woman who has taken on incredible challenges and you make it sound easy. You've done stuff that would be demanding in a happy, supportive marriage and made it look like a sideshow while you're dealing with Mr. Snowflake. I bow to that. Never once have you whined about that at all. You are an amazing mom, too. You've done everything you can to keep your children in a loving, safe environment, you don't slack off on their care even when other obligations get in the way, you've kept their activities up and everything else even when you're this overwhelmed. You're amazing. Don't you deserve at least to be amazing without your "partner" throwing obstacles in your path? Imagine how you'd shine then!!

I know it hurts like a mother, and it's hard not to give his complaints credibility because you've worked so hard to save the marriage. You're in the dark of the tunnel right now. Keep moving forward. Have faith that there's not only light at the end, but a beautiful rainbow waiting for you too. Knowing your worth is fuel for your tank. Once you've got that clear in your head the rest of it will come a lot easier. Instead of wondering what the status is of all his other flirtations (and don't assume he's limiting himself to just one) invest some time getting acquainted with your own Worth. It will be time much, much better spent.

(((((T384))))) I'm so proud of you. You will get there.

[25yearsmlc]

T3

I realize you have another child now. And presently a more demanding AND soon a more promising/lucrative career.

These ^^ things are different from your first round of DBing.

But what would your past self, tell your present self to do now? What would your first DB round T3, the GAL T3 who was going to be - eventually - FINE if the m was over, tell you today?

Was the past DBing and detachment a truth you reached or an act as a tactic or did you believe it? Because I was only partly prepared for really ending my m a decade ago.

I certainly GAL big time and it helped immensely. I believed in my head I could be done and make it, but in my heart I believed he would come back.

Actually i still think my h will WANT To return -sometime- but I'm not sure when OR if he'll tell me, and given the givens, it's simply not feasible. Because he'll probably marry OW to show that blowing up our long time M wasn't a disastrous choice for HIM...

But maybe we can learn to be cordial b/c right now we cannot even text. Amazing.

Back to you.
My question really is - if your DB#1 self was ready to move forward if need be, what is different inside you, now?

I know there's another child and I know that makes it harder (though an additional blessing of course). But is there another fear? More self reflection and taking of blame?

I know that baby is newborn and you are exhausted and that's freaking HARD!

So you have to figure out how to at least act as if you are moving forward (fake it till you make it)

so that either way, you are alright. You do have parental support and a career plan.

That makes you more empowered than 90% of the women on the planet.

Dear sweet T3, this is a darn trying time for you. I ache for your struggle.

And I surely don't mean to minimize your pain. Dear God, I don't. I just want you to remind yourself that THIS is survivable and more...

your kids are healthy. You'll have money, in time...

you feel like a boxer punched in the face or gut and you went down, but not for the count.. You are getting back up on the ropes but it's okay to lean on those ropes

your parents are going to help you dig deep into your wells of resilience...and we will be here refilling the wells,

and you'll stand back up, dust yourself off, and take yourself out of this crazy punching ring.

No more punches to take.

((( )))

[skyhigh]

Great post 25, Maybell and Ownit!

T, my heart hurts when I read your posts. You are a strong woman even if you feel lost and extremely weak right now, you have an incredible strength in yourself.

An affair EA or PA is an affair, it has the same devastating effects, we are being replaced in their mind and heart and become the villain. Protecting yourself legally is a MUST, they don't care about anybody else than themselves.

Focus on the kids and yourself, he is in full MLC, it means he is totally focused on himself and doesn't care about anybody else and when you see a glimpse of caring, don't be fooled. most of the time it's just to look good as a father/husband to others, they liked to be in control of the situation, their move are usually calculated to their best interests only.

Don't expect anything from him, build a new life where he is not part of it anymore, because he might come back but he might not, but at least you won't have wasted your time waiting for him and put your life in hold. You are the only sane and reliable parent left for your kids, don't expect him to have an epiphany soon, he is totally into his OWN needs, look around, is he acting as a father right now? NO, he is acting as a guy who is placing his needs first, and won't mind cutting his family financially just to punish his wife without thinking it might have an impact on his own children. There is a name for that kind of person: j..k

Surround yourself with good friends, accept help from the people who love you, don't count on him anymore and start looking at the light at the end of the tunnel (see that strong independent woman with a successful career and 3 gorgeous kids) , have fun, laugh..

(((hugs)))