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PacLove Offline OP
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New Thread time...

Old one: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2707896#Post2707896

A quick recap of my sich - a little over a year to the month when I first discovered the A and almost a year to when she moved out. Over the Dec. Holidays W brought up the R talk and we have since been trying to reconnect but she's non-committal at this point in time... Right now we are working at being better friends and we'll see where things end up.

My latest thread post has gotten quite a lot of interest around the varied approaches discussed on this forum, re-quoting as I thought it would be interesting to continue the conversation here on a new thread:

I've been pondering something the last couple of days around approach. There seems to be two very distinct approaches discussed in this forum:

1) Tough Love with boundaries
2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat

It's often said on here that the approach and way you go about it varies by sich, your wife etc. and I think there is room for both approaches in this forum depending on your W and how you were pre BD...

Thoughts on the below:

1) Tough love with boundaries
- If your W is flashing the A in your face
- She is not showing any shame/remorse
- She is public about her separation and/or A
- If there is abuse
- If you were a H with little to no backbone prior to BD
- If she's clearly on her way to filing for D
- Where you are both being harmful to each other
- If she's being careless financially
- If she's showing no signs of wanting to work with you on parenting/finances etc.
- If she's not sharing her parental responsibilities

2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat
- If you were overly controlling pre-BD
- If your W seems clearly confused but is not aggressive towards you
- If at one point you were both convicted or strong in faith
- If she shows a lot of shame and is still being secretive about her lifestyle
- She hasn't been public about the S, is trying to hide it or not address it
- She's willing to work with you on custody, responsibilities and finances
- She's seeking help on her own (ie IC)
- She acknowledges some of the responsibility of the M downfall
- She's not proceeding with D

In both approaches we need to focus on self-improvement and GAL, but the interactions with W differ slightly from being cold and distant to warm and open.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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PacLove Offline OP
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Struggling today with images and thoughts of them together... even though I know the A is fading, I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to get past the betrayal and accept this as part of our M history.

On a different note, I have been reading a lot about MLC stages, Touch-n-Goes & Reconnection which is I believe where we are now and how I can "pave the way" for the path back to R. The biggest thing is to be patient, not pushy and more or less let W drive the process. Hard to do for someone that was once "controlling" ;-)


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Posts: 66
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The images and thoughts get better with time. Not sure about the betrayal itself. I certainly hope so. But it tears at the very fabric a marriage is built on and destroys the basic assumptions you have of your partner: that they will respect you, honor their vows, not lie, and not stray.

I'm struggling with patience as well. I think men naturally want to fix things and come up with solutions. It's a frustrating thing to know you need to sit back and let the situation ride out on its own. As a fellow accused controller, it's a delicate balance of not being pushy while also being strong and assertive so you're respected.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
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Quote:
The images and thoughts get better with time. Not sure about the betrayal itself. I certainly hope so. But it tears at the very fabric a marriage is built on and destroys the basic assumptions you have of your partner: that they will respect you, honor their vows, not lie, and not stray.


They do. What has been seen can't be unseen, though. You are correct, it more than tears at the very fabric. Betrayal destroys every single thing...and when trust is broken, what do you have?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Michele Weiner-Davis says that couples can get past infidelity, and that "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't true.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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PacLove Offline OP
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Thanks for the encouragement - yes what has been seen can't be unseen which is why I'm glad I never snooped with video/voice/photos... I'll only have to go by what my W tell's me and what I ask her when/if that time comes. That said, it's hard not to let the imagination run wild.... especially when I saw enough circumstantial stuff to lead the imagination there...

I do think that once you have been through this kind of devastation and prolong separation it really does curb one from doing it again. I'd imagine that where repeat occurrences do happen, it's probably in the R's that healed too quickly after the A and the significance of the betrayal was never really felt by both parties.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
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Originally Posted By: PacLove

I do think that once you have been through this kind of devastation and prolong separation it really does curb one from doing it again. I'd imagine that where repeat occurrences do happen, it's probably in the R's that healed too quickly after the A and the significance of the betrayal was never really felt by both parties.



I think so, too. It's an extremely hard life lesson for the unfaithful spouse once they come out on the other side of it. My W is genuinely seeing the hurt she caused me from her betrayal and I do believe even in these early stages she'd never have an affair again, whether it's with me or in her next relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater definitely doesn't always apply.

The resentment you go through over knowing they had to do so much damage in order to learn something that is so obvious to a faithful spouse is a topic for another discussion.


Me: 33 W: 33
EA: mid 10/16
BD: 12/10/16
PA1: 12/12/16 - 12/15/16
PA2: 12/30/16 - 1/1/17
I filed for D: 1/3/17
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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People think that because there's a saying to backup an idea, that the saying actually backs up the idea.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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PacLove Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: brizz


I think so, too. It's an extremely hard life lesson for the unfaithful spouse once they come out on the other side of it. My W is genuinely seeing the hurt she caused me from her betrayal and I do believe even in these early stages she'd never have an affair again, whether it's with me or in her next relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater definitely doesn't always apply.


Agreed hard life lessons - whether an A or other, people learn when they hit rock bottom and almost lose everything...


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Posts: 289
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Pac,
Just dropping in to wish you well. Your first post on the two approaches is spot on. That should help many people. Hang in there!


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
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