Please can I have advice? My story is similar to everyone elses, but here goes: We have been married for 16yrs, we have a child who is now nearly 12. 10yrs ago we moved to the other side of the world. Everything was going great. In January this year my husband injured his shoulder, he was in real pain, but is the type who wouldn’t go to the doctors. Eventually he did and stated on painkillers, having xrays etc. He was miserable and angry most of the time.
Our sex life went to nothing as I couldn’t even touch him without him being in pain.He eventually had treatment which ended the pain, but he was still very miserable and angry, so I asked him what was going on. He said he was in a dark place at the moment, had no direction and wasn’t happy. I asked if I could do anyhting to help but he said no, it was something he had to sort out himself. Since January we have only had sex once, on my initiation and I could tell that he really didn’t want to. He was still miserable and went on until April, him saying he didn’t know what he wanted but that I wasn’t to worry, he just had to sort himself out. He then started to be permanently attached to his mobile phone, never letting it leave his side. Something he has never done. I asked him if he was having an affair, he said No. He said it was because our son used it to play games and he had racked up a large bill. We had our wedding anniversay on the Thursday, he sent flowers as he was away. On the Sunday, our son went to a friends for the night so I sat down and asked him what the problems were, he said he didn’t know.
He eventually said, we don’t socialise anymoreand you aren’t happy. I told him I didn’t like being unable to make things right re his injury and that made me unhappy, as to socalising I couldn’t disagree, but as he works shifts and only gets one in four weekends free, we don’t. Not that is any real justification. I kept asking him what was really wrong until he said those words… I don’t love you like I used to, you are more like a mother to me. I was devastated.
I cried and cried, I asked him if he wanted me to move out, he said no, I asked him if he wanted to move out, again he said no. I asked him what he wanted he said he just doesn’t know, he doesn’t even know if he wants to work things out. He refuses to go to a counsellor, either together or on his own. He refuses to talk to any of his friends as he says its none of their business. He still kisses me goodbye or hello when he comes home from work. If I ask he will hug me. If we meet up with anyone, it is like we are the same happy couple, so in front of people, it doesn’t matter who, he puts on a happy family face. We are really careful in front of our child. So like everyone else I trawled the internet and found this site. I have devoured all the advice and information and it has helped me no end. I have had a counselling session but it wanst that good. I think he is going through MLC. I decided to shape up, stop crying and pretend things don’t worry me, but they do.
Can anyone tell me answers to the following please?
1. Do I keep saying I love you, even though over the past couple of days he has stopped saying it to me. 2. What if he wants sex, do I agree 3. Should I try to initiate sex 4. Should I tell him to move out for a while 5. Should I try to cuddle him while we are alone 6. Should I show affection whilst we are with people so he cant refuse without looking bad Thank you all in anticipation smile
Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/1512:03 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Read everything I can get my hands on, but I have a question: In relation to the 'do not speak about the future' in two months we are booked for a 5 week overseas trip with out son 11yrs to visit family, do I talk about this or just stay silent?
Read everything I can get my hands on, but I have a question: In relation to the 'do not speak about the future' in two months we are booked for a 5 week overseas trip with out son 11yrs to visit family, do I talk about this or just stay silent?
What do you want to talk about?
I can't predict the future however it might be better to post what you want to say here first. We usually suggest a 48 hour rule, post what you want to communicate and then wait 48 hours, to see what others respond to your communication and if you really feel the same way 48 hours later.
Hi Seaside, Everything that your H said to you my H also said to me. EVERYTHING. It is the script that people use when they are having an affair. So prepare yourself for the fact that that is likely what's going on. You'll need to back off of him and focus on your own life as if he won't be in it. That might get his attention, and it will also give you time to work on yourself. I'll try to answer your questions below.
Can anyone tell me answers to the following please?
1. Do I keep saying I love you, even though over the past couple of days he has stopped saying it to me. HECK NO. DON'T SAY IT! That is pursuing and will drive him away.
2. What if he wants sex, do I agree DO YOU WANT AN STD? Then no. No sex.
3. Should I try to initiate sex HECK NO. See previous response.
4. Should I tell him to move out for a while LEAVE HIM ALONE. LET HIM MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS. DON'T PUSH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. JUST WORK ON GAL ACTIVITIES FOR YOURSELF.
5. Should I try to cuddle him while we are alone NO, AGAIN. NO. LET HIM INITIATE EVERYTHING.
6. Should I show affection whilst we are with people so he cant refuse without looking bad NO, HE WILL RESENT YOU FOR IT.
Thank you all in anticipation smile
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi Seaside. I posted this on your other thread in MLC. It is best to stick to one thread so that people can keep up with your story.
Try to separate your posts with into paragraphs as it makes it easier for us to read. The more info you give us, the better we can help.
Ok, know that you will get through this. Dbing will seem like the opposite of what you think you should do.
If your h is in crisis, this is going to be a long haul. This isnt for the faint of heart so you need to take care of yourself. Eat, rest, exercise.
It is important that you h feels as if he is being heard. So, you need to hear that he doesnt know if he wants to be married. Doesnt mean its true. Doesnt mean he will always feel that way. But he does now so you need to act as if you heard it.
Give him a lot of space. Be positive and upbeat around him. Do not pursue him. Again, because you need to act as if you heard him. Pursuing him in any way will just make him angry.
Do not say you love him. Do not initiate sex, cuddling, etc. That is pursuing. Do not ask him to move out unless that is what you want. Do not offer to move out. He wants out, he needs to figure it out.
He needs to see you moving forward. You need to move forward for you.
You have to GAL (get a life) and do things that you always wanted to do.
Do not have relationship talks with him. Do not tell him about this place. It is for you.
Look at the things he tells you that he was unhappy with. Figure out which ones are true, throw the rest away.
Start to work on changing those things for you. If you do it for him, he will see right through it.
Most people have a crisis due to something that was unresolved in childhood. Then a life situation triggers it..like an accident, a death, a job loss. A lot of MLCers lack coping skills.
I know this is so hard, sweetie. But you can do this. We can help.
Thank you all so much, I feel like I am going mad at times and reading this forum just puts things into perspective.
I am just sick of him being oh so friendly, fun and the life and soul when we are with our little boy or others and then turning sullen as soon as they are gone.
I am going to try and arrange things for me and s11 to do and just let h go his merry way. (and I say try, I know its going to be hard)
Last thing, how do I stop doing his laundry/cooking etc without s11 noticing?
