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Sam3 Offline OP
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Hi, I'm new here. I'm about halfway thru DR book. I have been trying to implement the 37 rules. My story is - My husband took a job 2 years ago, that is 3 hours from home. He works mon- thurs, mon- fri alternating weeks. He comes either Thurs or Fri thru Min morning. I had a baby #3 on 2/20. Pregnancy was a bit of a suprise. Thought we were going with "if it happens, it happens". Husband was not happy when pregnancy was confirmed. I thought it was a bit of shock in how life was going to change since we were just getting out of infant/toddler stage with other 2 kids and life was getting easier. We both agreed it would all work out. Baby was born very sick and almost died. He spent his first 29 days in the Nicu. We finally brought him home end of March. Life has continued on husband still works out of town. Has more responsibilities with other kids since I am busy with newborn & he has some special medical needs.

Thought things were getting better. On Mothers Day, husband says he is having a hard time connecting with Baby #3. Because so much of his medical care - I do. Says he is really missing his kids. Having a hard time being away from us. I assure him things will be back to a new normal soon as its a shift in our family dynamics for everyone.
He complains that I haven't been keeping up with grocery shopping & meal planning and he has been doing own laundry. I let him know I'm doing my best & will try to get everything back to normal.

He continues to call every day, saying he loves me, misses us etc.
On may 23- before I big kids go to bed, he gets a shower, gets dressed and says he is going out. I was like "what?" He tells me ILYBNILWY, that he needs space, he is lonely, but he feels his life is now in city where he works and wants to go do his own thing for a while. I was completely shocked. He said he knows he should be happy that baby is doing so well - but he just doesn't feel it. Says he feels unloved, I don't initiate intimacy etc.
That weekend he went out fri, sat & sun night with friends.
Sunday night I went thru his phone (something I've never done) and discovered he downloaded a secret folder app that holds texts & calls.
I also see that he has several texts from a from a friend if his that just don't make sense. So I look at the contact info for the name & it's a different phone number. I do a cell reverse lookup & it is a girls number. In my investigating I have found out she is a bartender at a restaurant that he goes to frequently. The texts are taking place at all hours while he is home on weekend with us. The oldest was from the 5/16.
I asked him if there was someone else- he says he is not in a relationship with anyone, doesn't want to be in relationship with anyone including me. I ask him if in taking his space can he stay committed to our marriage? He says no. He tells me if he figured things out in 6 months & I'm here great. But if I'm not -I'm not. That would be his bad.

He tells me he is still going to come home on weekends to spend time with kids. Nothing is changing there except our relationship is over. I went to a marriage counselor that we saw 4 years ago after baby #2. Husband went in one time & had a phone session once.
Counselor says husband is prob having mid life crisis & I should fight for my marriage.

I have not confronted husband with information about other woman. I don't know how & feel I need more proof so he doesn't dismiss me & say she's a friend.
More background- we have no boundaries. He had always done whatever he wants to do. I've always let him do his own thing & hang out with friends whenever he wanted.
I am a stay at home mom. He has his own bank accounts that his check is direct deposited into. He gives me a weekly check from him for me to pay for household expenses- groceries, diapers, clothes for kids etc.
I'm concerned that if he does want divorce he could spend nearly everything he has in bank & leave me high & dry. I want to save my marriage, but dont want to be in a bad financial situation. We were in the process of building a second/vacation home closer to his job. Somewhere to spend some weekends & let kids ride atv's etc.
He told me he would continue to do everything the same for 6 months & once the other house is done, he will prob just stay there. I can't afford to keep this house.

He sent me a text on 5/29 saying that he wants to work things out eventually and that he does love me. I was cautious when he came home that weekend. On Saturday night if that weekend he went out & never came home until 11 am the next day. He said he stayed at his best friends house.
I'm having a hard time detaching with such young children. He wants to talk to them on the phone each day & them wants to talk to me about their day. I suggested i text him about their day, he said why cant you just tell me. But it's only on the days he feels like calling. He went on a fishing trip with some buddies 2 weeks ago and we didnt hear from him for 2 days. I have not initiated contact with him, I have been answering his questions about kids but not making chit chat. This week he calls & says I'm being short with him. I told him I'm a little confused and need to protect myself. My kids tried to call him the other night 4 times, I sent 2 text messages saying they wanted to say goodnight. I could see he was reading the text messages. He never responded. I asked him about it lady night when he got home & said kids were really missing him. He said he was at a concert & he couldn't talk.

I'm trying to be pleasant when I'm around him in person and have been leaving the house quite a bit to leave him at home with the older kids. Don't really want to be around him & it's quite exhausting to be "on" all the time. As I'm pretty exhausted having a newborn & taking care of other 2 kids all week by myself.
He is continuing to text OW each weekend while he is here.

My questions-
How do I GAL with a newborn with some special medical needs?
Do I ask or confront about OW? The issues with our marriage are now bigger than what he initially presented.
How to set some boundaries with someone who has never had any?
How to limit contact but encourage communication with older kids who literally count down the days each week until he comes home?
How to detach with 3 small children?

I feel like he is rolling over all of us right now. He does whatever he wants including talking to kids when he feels like it.
Sorry this is long. Advice is needed! Please.


H:40
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hi, Sam3, I'm sorry you're here. I hope we can help. I find some similarities between your situation and mine so I'll share my thoughts and hopefully something will help.

1. See a lawyer ASAP. You must protect yourself and the kids, regardless of how your H takes it. I know money is a concern because of the way your finances work. Others on this forum have given advice on how to get legal help when finances are a problem -- hopefully they'll weigh in here to clarify.

2. Boundaries: yes, he needs some. This is where I see the biggest similarity between you and me. I am also a SAHM. My whole focus in life has been my family and supporting H in his career and what I thought was his personal happiness. If you would rather text him kid updates, then insist that's how you do things. (My H would have said exactly the same thing, why can't you just do what *I* want rather than what *you* want?). It will take you some time to sort out where you want your boundaries to be, so listen to your gut. If something feels wrong, consider it. He's laying down new conditions on you, there's no reason you can't evolve the situation similarly. Make sure your needs are met.

3. GAL: what is your support network like? You are in a much tougher position than most, but even so hopefully you have some options. First off, reach out to your friends and family and let them know what's going on. I have been amazed and humbled at how much people want to help at times like these. Now is NOT the time to tough it out alone.

4. Kids. I'm sorry, but try as you might you won't be able to shield your kids from your H's choices. The best you can do is assure them that you both love them very much, and for you to continue to do the best you can for them. I know in my sitch (kids older than yours) when my kids get too upset I text their dad and remind him that they need him. When necessary, I've described to him what behaviors I see that indicate he urgently needs to reach out to them. Even a text with a picture of him waving helps. This is an area where you're just going to have to work with what you've got. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to let someone else speak to your suspicions about OW as that part of your sitch is very different from mine.

You're doing very well. I wasted 7-8 months crying, begging, yelling, just like you're not supposed to do. You seem to be handling yourself with a lot more dignity. Keep posting and I wish you all the best.


Me42, H40
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Yes it is hard to get out and GAL. I would suggest that he takes the kids at least every other weekend so you can go do something! My kids are older but I feel into that pattern years ago when they were little and I was a sahm, it never changed! I was and still am responsible for the kids, house, meals etc. Even though we both work 40 hours.
He is the dad he can care for them, or figure it out. If it's too much at least start with a Friday night.
Also try to find some mommy and me play groups. Or single parent groups.
You have to take care of yourself!!!!


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Sam3 Offline OP
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Thanks for the responses. I did consult a couple of lawyers, just so I know what he can & can't do financially because I am dependent on him.

So, I confronted him on Sunday night about OW. He says they are just hanging out & just friends. Because he is still coming home every weekend & we are living in the same house, I told him he was not going to be communicating with her while staying here. I told him it was disrespectful to me, our children & our family home. That is my boundary. They were texting back & forth 10-15 times a day. And the context of the texts indicate more than friends.

But, my boundary is no communicating with ow while staying in my house. If he is just here to spend time with kids then they can take a break or he can see the children somewhere else.

I told him because its all too easy to delete texts - I am expecting access to the phone call/ text logs. If he's communicating with her while in our home.
I am filing formal child visitation forms until a temporary order goes with the divorce filing.

I "think" he takes me seriously. Because I am. I have watched him text & call her every weekend for a month. But, I was scared to confront him. The situation is toxic to me.

He told me he called Ow on Monday & told her he would not be communicating with her anymore. I did not ask him to do this. I actually told him he could do what he wants that I have no control over him.

He tells me he would like for us to try to work out our issues very slowly.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell him that is what I want or if he's trying to play it cool and lay low with OW for a few weeks.

We have both been seeing a marriage counselor, I have been 4 times. He has been twice. We are going tomorrow together for the first time.

Been doing pretty good with my 180's. As a stay at home home with very small kids its easy to be in a "rut".

Going to a friends in home skin care party next week. That's my start of GAL.


H:40
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An update-
Thursday afternoon H texts me that he would like me to bring kids down to where he works during the week & stay with him at condo. Asks me if I would like to come to. He says he wants to see kids & work on things with me slowly.
I tell him the kids would love to spend some time with him & I can even stay at a hotel.

We go to a 2 hour MC session on Friday. Where he admits that he took OW on his "fishing trip" with buddies a few weeks ago. He says she stayed in his room, slept in his bed but they did not have sex. He says they kissed. I don't believe that. I told him that I was no longer "scared" of what he would do, if I did xyz. So he says "okay, if you want a divorce than lets do it."

Because he had OW listed in his phone under a guys name. MC asks if there are other women under different names in his phone- he says yes. That is hanging out with several women. He does not want a relationship with any of them.
He stated again that he wishes I would let him go.

I'm totally disgusted. Because we both said in MC that we feel like we can't be ourselves around each other. MC suggested we try to be ourselves.

I was very pleasant over the weekend. Because previous weekend I was a super b*tch. Because I could not stand the texting constantly in front if my face.
We went to lunch to lunch as a family on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday evening I asked him if he decided if he wanted me to bring the kids down. He said "no, I think I will just do a vacation with them by myself." He said he was fine with putting some "feelers" out to reach out to me until we went to counseling and he felt attacked.

I felt like I had to have another relationship talk with him before he left for the week. So I told him again, (told him same thing 2 weeks prior)
That he was free to leave. I told him i have no control over him, but I do expect him to respect my boundaries about contacting OW from our family home.
He did not have to come home on the weekends. We would all be fine.
He told me I could have the kids for 4th July.

I went on to tell him, that it might be best if he did not come home. I am not so sure about my feelings for him. I told him that I understood we had problems in marriage prior. But starting relationships with other people only adds to the marital problems. (Our marital problems being, that he feels like I got pregnant with baby #3 on purpose, that I don't show him enough affection, and I just didnt know how good I had it)
I did say I deserve a husband that would tell me we had marriage problems. He said he tried by asking me why I don't ever hold his hand etc.

It's very important to him that we remain friends and on friendly terms. I told him Im not sure i can ever be friends with someone who put no effort in to saving our marriage.

He says that nothing is changing in his life. He's going to do his own thing during the week at work and still come home on weekends to see kids. I feel like I can't really kick him out as Im a stay at home mom & he pays all the bills and gives me a weekly allowance. But if I'm still here taking care of kids on weekends, he's here to do fun stuff with them. Nothing is changing.
I know it's easier to DB in the same house but I feel like he needs to see we aren't all sitting here waiting for him to come home. And then hang out & chit chat like normal. He sleeps in spare room since we brought Baby #3 home from hospital.

He said he still was not sure if things were over with us. I feel like he wants to do what he wants for however long & then maybe or maybe not decide to be my husband again.

Do I leave our house on the weekends & leave him with all the kid responsibilities- dinner, baths etc.? because right now I'm still doing everything.
I feel like he is "cake eating" big time.

He insists on talking to me at night after he talks to kids, because they are so little he doesn't understand what they are trying to tell him over the phone.
I try to answer his questions nicely, not engage in additional questions & keep it short.

What's the right thing to do? Again, he's living 2 lives and I'm still taking care if kids so nothing is really changing for him.


H:40
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Sam3 Offline OP
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Any advice out there?


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Originally Posted By: Sam3


It's very important to him that we remain friends and on friendly terms. I told him Im not sure i can ever be friends with someone who put no effort in to saving our marriage.

He says that nothing is changing in his life. He's going to do his own thing during the week at work and still come home on weekends to see kids. I feel like I can't really kick him out as Im a stay at home mom & he pays all the bills and gives me a weekly allowance. But if I'm still here taking care of kids on weekends, he's here to do fun stuff with them. Nothing is changing.
I know it's easier to DB in the same house but I feel like he needs to see we aren't all sitting here waiting for him to come home. And then hang out & chit chat like normal. He sleeps in spare room since we brought Baby #3 home from hospital.

He said he still was not sure if things were over with us. I feel like he wants to do what he wants for however long & then maybe or maybe not decide to be my husband again.

Do I leave our house on the weekends & leave him with all the kid responsibilities- dinner, baths etc.? because right now I'm still doing everything.
I feel like he is "cake eating" big time.



I gave my wife pretty much the same "friends" talk (see my post earlier today on Corbean's thread on the Infidelity forum), so I'm with you there, Sam.

I do also agree with you that you should NOT be there all weekend with them. If your husband wants to basically "fire" you as his wife, and quit his family (or at other times, waffle about his commitment to you guys) then there's no time like the present for him to put on his BBPs (Big-Boy Pants) and start living the life of a single father, and all that entails.

Just my opinion, and I haven't read all of your backstory yet.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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So I blew my DB last night. I looked at his bank account & saw he bought a new cell phone. He also set up a new email account. Obviously so he can show me that things are over with OW. I was so mad. The lengths that he is going to, to be able to be in communication with this person is unreal.
And as usual he can't commit to what day he will be home. I was trying to make plans for myself. Because of my situation being completely financially dependent on him, I feel like I need to know what's going on with him. I need to protect my kids. I have spoken to several attorneys over the phone so I know what needs to happen. But Im scared to pull the trigger on the filing.

So I called him & told him he would need to sign the family parenting plan papers & we need to get them notorized. I told him the kids need consistency. I also said a few other things about how we didnt matter to him anymore. He said I was going to regret this one day. I did not tell him I knew about other phone.

Below are our text exchanges after the phone call,

H: You pissed me off! You keep thinking my
Family up there is not important. Your wrong!!! Im so mad.

M:
I know that you care about the kids. But your decisions are breaking up our family.
For the rest of their lives these kids will be from a broken home.

I want you to commit to what days you will be here for them. Like thurs nights - Sunday night. Friday nights when you have meeting.
If we can agree that you want to be here every weekend that's fine. But I want to do things with them on the weekends too. Like church on sundays. Birthday parties, etc. Or if you want every other weekend. And we can split holidays.

I'm not trying to take them away from you. I want them to have a great relationship with you. They need you to be a big part of their lives. There's nothing I could have wanted more for them to come from a stable home.
So for now, The more stability we can provide the better they will be.

We need to agree to something.

H: Didn't really sleep much last night knowing that I need to sign papers that are going to change my kids life. That's ok. I just know, what you are saying about me having a double life is so untrue. I can't go on in life either -- you thinking I have all this extra fun, friends, and all above. Whatever you think I'm doing has not change my life in (our town) internally! Just so you know, I am going on my second week of spiritually connecting my concerns of my life with god. I also have been working really hard on flushing my brain to a clear standard. In doing this, I have realized that I still love you and will remain loving you no matter what. My feelings are hurt too. So all in all, if you are ready to explain to the kids what's going to happen, I'm ready if you are..... It's not what I want. From here on out -- I'm not doing or asking you for anything. This is it.

M:
First I want to apologize for arguing with you last night. I'm working very hard on doing & saying the right thing.

I do not want to hurt you. I am not trying to control you. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Please understand, This is so we can have a plan for our kids. So they can know when you will be home & when you will be calling them.

I am very glad you are trying to connect to God. And I hope you will continue to reach out to godly men.

All I am saying is I need open and honest communication from you.
Right now I am hurting, I do not trust what you tell me and I cannot live in a world of lies.

I am doing what I believe is best for our children and I am not trying to hurt you. This is going to be hard for both of us and is going to cost both of us more than we want.

We don't need to tell our kids anything more than they can understand right now, "daddy has to work more, etc" I want this transition to be smooth for them.
We can do this as a trial for now & see how it's working for all of us.

Please let me know when
you will be home.

H:Just thinking about what you are saying. The fact of the lies stuff. This isn't all my doings. I recall 2 major issues I have put up with for a long time and a short time. I can say that I have been commited to my marriage everyday until recently. Because I'm not happy I am a liar? Again, for the hundredth time!!!! I'm not in a relationship with anybody!!!! I'm not going to discuss anymore. We are only to talk about our children. I'm done.

Up until this point, I have been very nice & pleasant. He has been for most part. But is always unavailable during the week. I feel like he's cake eating & living a double life mon-fri. Our weekend was fine, we actually went to lunch as a family. When I know he lied to me about ending things & then bought another cell phone on Monday. I feel like a 180 for me is to take control of something. I'm a pretty passive person. My husband is a total controlling narcissistic personality. And a really great liar.

We have a 5 yo, 4 yo, & 3 month old baby.

I had been trying to be dark. But accepted some invitations to spend time as a family.

Did I totally screw up? What do I do now?


H:40
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Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
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Sam3 Offline OP
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Thanks Starsky!


H:40
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BD: 5/23/2014
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