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So one of the things that has been grinding away in the front of my mind has been the fact that the day is fast approaching where I have to give my parents a move-out date. As previously discussed, it would be a key step in clearing the table for relationship with me, XW and S. I have been practicing what I was going to say and today.....they found and bought a house!!

They will be moving in early March. So a bit over a month or so. Seems like many good things are happening in concert.

Crimson

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WOW just by coincidence? Thats awesome, saves you having an akward convo with them.

keep is posted! Also, I have my FIRST Coaching session tomorrow so please stop by my thread if you have any advise for me. Couple people have offered "things to do or ask". Would love your input.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
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Originally Posted By: Crimson
Previous

So one of the things that has been grinding away in the front of my mind has been the fact that the day is fast approaching where I have to give my parents a move-out date. As previously discussed, it would be a key step in clearing the table for relationship with me, XW and S. I have been practicing what I was going to say and today.....they found and bought a house!!

They will be moving in early March. So a bit over a month or so. Seems like many good things are happening in concert.

Crimson


cool that's sweet SWEET news.

Make sure when you tell your xw that they're moving, you WERE GOING to ask them to anyhow, and SOON (this weekend?)

and now, YAY, you got a break. But don't connect HER w/the desire for them to move b/c honestly, they'd have to go regardless of her presence, as long as the house isn't HUGE and you're a single guy trying to establish a new r with someone...(let alone your xw.).

Enjoy.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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So glad to see these developments, Crimson. Keep living in and enjoying your current reality. Always. Have faith in the attachment between you, and nurture it lovingly, especially when she approaches you.

She has said she wants to work not only on the family, but on the two of you, right? If so, then it is fine to initiate contact, etc with her, because she has said it is what she wants -- an R with you.

I'm with Bond -- don't overdrive the piecing bus. Be ready to lead where she hints/points you (if that makes sense). In the words of Coach on here before, listen closely to her "catspeak," and lead based on it.

In general, go for some new experiences as you piece. Fun things to make new memories with. And not only with the boy (the more without your S, the better -- though don't force it).

If you sense her showing hesitation or uncertainty about piecing at any point, back off. She may feel scared or worry that her feelings aren't quite where she wants them to be, etc. That's all fine, let her be, and let her re-initiate leading at the pace that works for her. At one point with my W, I had backed off completely again and stopped calling her because she said it just felt so strange and weird (cause I had come on a little too strong at one point). She called me back in a couple of weeks saying, "What you're just giving up? Please make a counseling appointment for us. Give me a chance at least! Don't leave me!"

If you bring up Retrouvaille and she is not enthusiastic about it, do not interpret it that she is unenthusiastic about piecing. My W did not want to do Retrouvaille -- was not her cup of tea. Was enthusiastic about other stuff.

And another wise thing said to me -- don't forget to keep living your life and being the great Crimson in other phases of your life.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
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I must have been insane to think that this would be smooth sailing from this point forward. I know better…I knew better….and I have seen it here with others many times.

So as noted, things have taken a positive turn – for the most part. Weeks ago my XW contacted me about my intentions to work on bringing our family together. This was after I pulled back for 3-4 weeks, initiated no contact, but remained kind, friendly and positive in all of my interactions with her. During that conversation she said that with my parents living with me it was difficult to spend time together…etc. Since then, we have done really well trying to reacquaint with the new people that we both are. We have done an overnight trip with S, we text a bit more openly and freely, XW mentioned future-looking plans that included me, communication has been a lot better, we have been out as a family a few times, go to church together almost regularly….things have just been…well….”better”. During this time, I do not feel as if I have pressured, questioned or pushed – I have been content to let things just “be” as we play it by ear and see where to go. That is a big change for me….not trying to see or control the future.

Earlier this week, I asked xw if I could take her out on Saturday. She seemed flattered and agreed. I texted her that I would put a plan together and see what she thought about it.

Wednesday, we spent some time going back and forth on a possible plan for S’s 3rd b-day party. It was light, easy, positive conversation. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I get this text:

XW: We need to reschedule for this Saturday –I am feeling uneasy about it

Me: OK. Is there anything specific that is making you feel uneasy?

XW: No. Just feel uneasy.

Me: Did I say/do something offensive?

XW: No – I just don’t know what your expectations are.

She went on to say that S was giving her fits and she really didn’t have time to discuss – that we could discuss later. I said “OK” and just let it go. I withdrew and in my head went back to “give her room” mode. During lunch I got this text:

XW: I would be open to dinner Saturday if we view it as a time for conversation not a date. I’m struggling with parenting this week and confused about things.

Me: Sure.

Admittedly, my heart sank when she asked to “reschedule”. I have a hard time understanding how she would be the one to come back and ask about my intentions to work on things because she “didn’t feel I was” and wanted to know “if I had moved on” – and then saying she didn’t know what my expectations were, and that she was confused. She was the one that suggested we get out of town together a few weeks ago. I have been content to propose things, but let her lead. I haven’t tried to hold her had….touch…anything. It just seems like a sudden switch in mood and attitude. Naturally, I will be the first to admit that maybe I am reading too much into it right now.

I get the struggling with parenting thing – but I think it is become clear to both of us that S does not like being at her place. Not that he dislikes being with HER….just doesn’t like being THERE. I suspect he gets bored, confined and acts out. I can’t tell her this.

Not sure if this is normal or where to go from here. What is driving this? Am I in a “pre-piecing” phase and this is typical? It seems that just when the path for us to spend more time together get the most clear (parents moving out, getting along together, etc.) she is freezing up. I hear he when she says that she is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be….all I can do to assure her is to never be that person again….I think I am doing well in that regard. Is this just another way of her expressing fear???

Is it wrong for me to feel as if I have a lot to fear as well? I mean, I don’t want to get hurt again like she did before….I have trust issues to work through….but I am willing to face it. Again, I don’t think I should tell her this.

I am not spinning out of control right now – but I am for sure confused and a little bummed. How do I handle this discussion on Saturday?

Crimson

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Ok, if I told you, as a WAS, that this is COMPLETELY NORMAL, would that calm you a bit? Because it IS completely normal. She is fearful and ALL YOU CAN DO is continue being the new Crimson. That fear is hers to work out from there. And you will see her cycling for quite awhile.

I understand your fear, Crimson, but there is no way that anyone here is going to be able to tell you that you won't end up where you get hurt again. Prepare yourself for that. But honestly, what do you have to lose? You can risk getting hurt with her or move on and risk getting hurt with someone else. Personally? I'd roll the dice with someone you are already love and who has loved you. But the risk is real. I tried reconciliation and failed. There are others who have done the same. BUT, go on over to piecing... there are plenty there that have tried reconciliation and are doing well! And truthfully, I'm not sure anyone can ever say that they are done and everything is fixed. As soon as they get to that point? They are ready for another marital breakdown because they are taking it for granted. But I digress...

What you want to know? Is this normal? YES. VERY VERY VERY NORMAL.

As far as Saturday? What do you say? Nothing. At least in regards to this. NOT A SINGLE THING. Have a nice day with her. That will go a long way. You have plenty of time to talk about reconciliation. Right now? It sounds like she needs a mental break because her mind is working way too hard. So give that to her. Give that to yourself.

I'm praying for you.

LIS


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Originally Posted By: lostinscared

I understand your fear, Crimson, but there is no way that anyone here is going to be able to tell you that you won't end up where you get hurt again. Prepare yourself for that. But honestly, what do you have to lose? You can risk getting hurt with her or move on and risk getting hurt with someone else. Personally? I'd roll the dice with someone you are already love and who has loved you. But the risk is real.


Extremely well said. I'm going to try to remember this. I hope my WAW will feel the same way.

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Thanks, LIS.

If we can just have a light nite out - so be it. But it felt as if she wanted to "talk" talk. Maybe I read too much into her reply. I know there is not single pattern in all of this, but does this type of thing happen a lot? I get it - and I listen when people say "piecing" is the hardest part of this. I am just trying to prepare myself and understand since I am in new territory here.

Is this an act "as if" moment??? Like I am unshaken or unaffected by this? Do I continue to text with the same friendliness and tone that we have been? Like I said....this is a new wrinkle. I am tempted to just pull waaaaaay back again - but there is a high chance that that is just me being mopey or sad or scared....and that is very transparent to XW.

Thanks for your guidance, folks.

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Crimson,

If you asked her what "this is," I bet you that she couldn't answer you. Or, you'd need a ticker to keep up on the responses. I would bet my last dollar she couldn't answer it.

I spent a long time very unclear about what I wanted to do. One minute I was in love with my H, the next minute, I wasn't. One minute I wanted to try again, the next minute I didn't. One minute I would literally freak the heck out about being near him, the next I was more calm. I will tell you that I was scared to death that he would try to become intimate with me. That was a big fear of mine but understand my breakup was due to an affair. I want you to go spend the night over at the piecing thread. Start at the BEGINNING of everyone's threads. You will see example after example after example of the WAS cycling like I was.

Crimson, it IS an act "as if" moment. If she wants to have a R talk with you, then so be it. But you proceed as you always have. I do not advise you pull back. I think that is a bad idea at this point especially considering that she WANTS to still go out. And I will tell you, her reasons for wanting to go out will change moment to moment until Saturday. She is testing you right now. She is watching you VERY carefully to see how you react. And I am advising you strongly, be the new Crimson.

I'm praying for you.

LIS


Me- 40
H - 43
M - 5
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Separated 2/5/11
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