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LJC Offline OP
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Hello - This is a thread to my original post.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...220#Post2315220

The above link might get you upto speed but for now I just wanted to put my Sitch out there. I've been posting on other threads and trying to keep the positive vibe going but when it comes to me I'm just struggling to keep my head above water.

She continues to live in a separate rented house with my kids while I live in the family home. Maintainence payments have been sorted so she gets money for food etc on a weekly basis and I have given her dates till then end of March when I can have access to the kids. I work Mon-Fri and also do night cover for the fire service which ties me up on week days so I alternate seeing them on Sat/Suns. My devotion to fire service is one of her bug bears and it is a big commitment. She was always moaning that I did to much round 'the station' but when we separated she said she didnt want me to give it up.

What is really upsetting me is the lack of communication from her. Texts are only about the kids and when I take the kids 'home' she doesn't even come to the door! My mum sees more of her because she looks after S3 on Mondays while W works PT. Monday 28th W had a very minor road accident with S3 in the car where she skidded on some Ice and spun her round which really shook her up and when she got to my mums house she was in a state, very emotional and they talked about various things, sometimes thru tears and at one point got onto R talk where W said we could get back together but a year down the line we would be back to square one poss in a worse state. What does this mean do you think? Is it a good sign that she's thinking about it?

You wouldn't believe how this has changed my life (as you know)and have been GAL (Gym, Decorating House, Setting Focus points, Signing up for an online computer course, doing 'something' with the kids so they go back and talk about it), indentifying 180's and reversing them, being positive out in public, always looking my best when I step out the front door, no pursuing, phone calls or texts to W (unless its about kids). So why can't she identify that I have changed? because I fear the reason she is being so dark is that there is OM altho this hasn't been comfirmed Its just a hunch.

Like I say Im struggling to come to terms with all this and the 14 weeks since BD really feels like 2/3 years! Do you think I should put together an email/text message just to remind her im still here? (silly thing is I think I know the answer to this lol!)

Love you guys, you really help others on here but man I could do with some right now as Im really battling the loneliness! Thanks


M - 37 W - 35
T - 11 M - 5.5
SD13 D10 S4
ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12
Moved out 7 Dec 12
At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 88
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LJC Offline OP
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^


M - 37 W - 35
T - 11 M - 5.5
SD13 D10 S4
ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12
Moved out 7 Dec 12
At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
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LJC,

I'm very sorry for your painful sitch. My H left 2 days before Christmas so I can relate to the loneliness you feel. Your instincts about a OM may be correct but it's also interesting to note that she made statements that a reconciliation would only lead back to square one. She seems to lack hope right now and perhaps having any contact with you right now causes her deep pain. Also, if there is a OM she might feel guilt around you. Time will tell.

I just joined the board so I haven't really gotten much feedback yet either. I am the WAW (I think) in my sitch but I've changed my mind so there is hope for the LBS.

Quote:
You wouldn't believe how this has changed my life (as you know)and have been GAL (Gym, Decorating House, Setting Focus points, Signing up for an online computer course, doing 'something' with the kids so they go back and talk about it), indentifying 180's and reversing them, being positive out in public, always looking my best when I step out the front door, no pursuing, phone calls or texts to W (unless its about kids). So why can't she identify that I have changed? because I fear the reason she is being so dark is that there is OM altho this hasn't been comfirmed Its just a hunch.


You must continue to do all the GAL things you have already implemented. Your light and PMA will be a counterbalance to her darkness and she will eventually notice it and begin to wonder why. Over time this will become attractive to her (especially because if she is having an A the OM will begin to pressure her and you will look even better in her eyes).

Splitting always sounds good to the WAS in the beginning (I know I felt that way the first 2-3 weeks) but after a while it begins to stink. The WAS begins to see how dependent they were on their SO and regret sets in. It might take longer for this epiphany than you expected so patience is required.

Keep up with the program. ILYBNILWY (something I've been saying to my H for years) is a reflection of how much the person is dissatisfied with their life, with their self. It's a cop out and the WAS has poor communication skills and lacks the ability to say "I don't like me. I want to change myself." Instead they blame the spouse.

Keep posting. Maybe you can read my sitch and provide feedback for me also.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 305
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Originally Posted By: Lampstand
LJC,
Keep up with the program. ILYBNILWY (something I've been saying to my H for years) is a reflection of how much the person is dissatisfied with their life, with their self. It's a cop out and the WAS has poor communication skills and lacks the ability to say "I don't like me. I want to change myself." Instead they blame the spouse.

Keep posting. Maybe you can read my sitch and provide feedback for me also.


WOW is all i can think of saying here. what you said just seems so very true with my WAW. It has been almost 1 year for me now and I still struggle. But there are alot of times I just feel so bad for her. She left me and to this day we have not talked too much. I think she feels guilt but i can not say for sure. I also have no idea if she has OM or OW for that matter. She says we will talk but never does. I try to help she does not like it. i truly think what you said is so true she just can not be honest and say "i dont like me" and "i need to change". all her blame and anger always comes to me and it is my fault even for things i was not there to do the past year.
just made me feel like i was not alone . But i do sure feel very lonely but still legally married so i will not can not go against that

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In my case, my inability to say "I'm in trouble, help me" to my H is because I was SEVERELY abused in childhood and teen years. So the "inner child" feels like a victim and to me it's an INJUSTICE to have to admit my wrongdoing in anything. I'm still waiting for my perpetrators to be held accountable. Of course, this has NOTHING to do with my M or my H. That's the problem in my sitch.

So that's why I say it really isn't my H or the M that makes me unhappy. And until I'm ready to admit my guilt and take responsibility for the bad I've done to my H (and others for that matter) then the M cannot stand.

I don't want to have to face myself. It's ugly. But I have to whether the M survives or not.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 305
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Im sorry to see you have such a past. I know it can not be easy at all. I can say that my WAW was also abused as a child and to this day does not know who her father is.. I can not say i know how you feel but i do understand.

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Yeah, it stinks but there's nothing I can do about the past. I can only change my future.

And right now I have zero contact with my H and I don't know what to do. We live in different states, we don't have children or anything to discuss so there's no reason for us to call each other. We have no mutual friends so there's really no way for him to even know I am making changes. As a WAW, I've been ignoring him for years so continuing to be distant, dark, or GAL just isn't going to win him over.

Not sure what to do.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 49
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Originally Posted By: Lampstand


Splitting always sounds good to the WAS in the beginning (I know I felt that way the first 2-3 weeks) but after a while it begins to stink. The WAS begins to see how dependent they were on their SO and regret sets in. It might take longer for this epiphany than you expected so patience is required.

Keep up with the program. ILYBNILWY (something I've been saying to my H for years) is a reflection of how much the person is dissatisfied with their life, with their self. It's a cop out and the WAS has poor communication skills and lacks the ability to say "I don't like me. I want to change myself." Instead they blame the spouse


Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, gave me some hope.


Me: 34 W:35
SD(16),S(11),S(10),SD(9),D(7),D(5)
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Posts: 88
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LJC Offline OP
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Lampstand, thank you for giving your perspective as a WAW. When she BD it was all very emotional but to this day we have never sat down and identified what went wrong. I wrote to her and mentioned a few things that she disliked but now I look at it are they real issues for S or D?

I've almost convinced myself that the reason she has gone so dark is because of OM. It makes sense, why spend time on the old H and M when im getting all the attention from the A and don't have to make much of an effort at the same time.


M - 37 W - 35
T - 11 M - 5.5
SD13 D10 S4
ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12
Moved out 7 Dec 12
At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 811
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Whether or not you're right about an OM, I wouldn't write her anything for now. She definitely doesn't need reminding that you're still around.

It is difficult to know how to be the best you if you're not sure what her real reasons are for going off in the first place. I think you'll need to try to remember things you argued about in the past when you were together.

In some ways, I find myself motivated to be a better me when I suspect that there is someone else in my H's life. I get competitive and figure that that person most likely doesn't have the DB wisdom that we do and will start putting pressure and pursuing.

Keep doing what you're doing. You sound as if you're good at DBing--even in a complicated situation (I'm referring to you mentioning on my thread that your brother is married to your W's sister).


Me: 51
H: 52
T: 23 yrs
M: 19 yrs
S18, D16, S14 (special needs)
PA: 2003/2004
Piecing: 2004 on
Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
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