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Joined: Dec 2012
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I suppose the newcomer area is the best place for an introduction. I've been scouring these boards for the last two days since I googled, 'female mid-life crisis'. The good news is that my wife fits EVERY SINGLE symptom, the bad news is that my wife fits EVERY SINGLE symptom. Then I come here and I'm reading through all of these posts and all of this pain and heartache - and I'm comforted that I'm not alone... but I'm so heart broken because I know exactly where each person is who is writing these posts.

So my story - first of this month, my W is really withdrawn. Now, I'll admit - I am a know it all and a fixer. I'm sure a lot of people can identify with the initial cycle of, me reaching out, her pulling back, me reaching further, her pulling further, me getting frustrated, her closing off, me - not knowing what's going on, and my brain feeling like it's going to explode, turns into a yelling match... and her walking out the door.

So, I spend the last month, blaming myself, trying to convince her that I want to change and control my temper... and I have been, through the Grace of God - I've spent more time in the Bible and on my knees praying than I ever have in my life... and all I get is more and distance. Which is frustrating... but instead of yelling, I'm praying.

Then, two nights ago - I was just praying for some peace... and (no I didn't hear voices) I almost heard a whisper, "Mid-Life Crisis"... which didn't make sense at first because my wife isn't really anywhere near 'mid life'... she's 36 and I'm 40. But I googled it, all of the symptoms where there. The 'I don't feel like I love you the way I should', the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'... and the worst was, 'I love you because you're the father of my child.. just like her last ex'. Uhhh...

Now, that I've been reading this I understand a LOT better that this has been in the works for a long time. I work away from home a lot. I spent 2 weeks at a time on a drilling rig, and 2 weeks home. While I was away in March, she began a EA with her 'personal trainer'. Now, she's said time and time again that there was no physical, but she doesn't understand the damage that an EA can have. Anyway... that turned into an argument, where I was 500 miles away from home and she closed off and I felt like I was in a tin can half a world away. But, with our pastor's help - a lot of prayer, we got through that. I took a lot more interest in her goals and interest. I joined the gym with HER... yes, she spends a LOT of time in the gym... and I'd do the dishes with her, and I'd help her with the yard work and I changed jobs so I could be home... and then this.

Now, the job change didn't work out as well as I hoped... we took an extreme hit in our income and that has been a huge stress. I'm back out on a drillig rig now, to make money to pay the bills. We do have a lot of debt. We were trying to start our own small business, and we both put a TON of work, but the money wasn't coming in fast enough to cover what was going out and the bills.

She has been the typical stay at home mom. She had her first baby at 16. All of her life, she has been mom and wife. Her mom and dady split when she was like 15, and by 16 she was pregnant and married. I understand that she feels like she's never 'done anything' with her life... except be awesome wife and mom (which in my book is the greatest thing in the world. I understand that even at our business, she felt like she was just an employee at my business... that's not true, but that's how she felt.

And all is not lost. I know she hasn't changed her relationship status on her facebook wall. I know she's at home now taking care of her kids, my kids and our kid. I know she's paying the bills from there, making sure I have money on my CC to get groceries and whatever I need up here. She is still working in our shop, putting out orders while I'm up here... which isn't easy, but she does a great job at it. She's put out probably $2000 worth of products this week alone. She's running CNC machines, large format printers, heat presses. All I've done is the computer work and sent it to her. We do still communicate on work issues... barely.

But she's created a wall around herself, where if it's not something she wants right now, she doesn't see it. I don't KNOW that there's any other affairs going on right now... I don't THINK there any other men in her life, but I believe she could be questioning her own sexuality... I think that this could have a lot to do with it and why she won't explain it to me. One of her new 'friends'... that she got really close to right before the blow up... is a flaming lesbian (to each their own I'm not judging) and I've noticed that every time I see my wife she's wear her clothes, they post stuff to each other on facebook. (I know, facebook is evil, but when your 1000 miles from home like I am now, it's an easy way to keep in touch with friends and family at home).

Anyway... I'm rambling. I found this place, and it has identified for me what is actually happening. It hasn't fixed anything yet, but it's given me a starting gate at least, instead of wandering, floundering around trying to figure out what in the world happened to my dear sweet wife.

Thank you for listening...

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I had just written this yesterday - and no sooner than I posted this, and I got an email from W (It's going to take a while for me to catch onto these acronyms) She is nowhere as long winded as I am, but it was a fairly long letter. It wasn't all spite, but there were some revisionist history she brought up... but was the first time in weeks she had initiated contact. She would offer up a two word reply or no reply at all most of the time. Texts... ignored... and phone calls ignored. But she actually took the time to collect her thoughts and compose an email.

I just said thanks. I've got some stuff to go over with you later, and pretty much left it at that.

And I started the distancing immediately. I did send her a list, basically listing back to her the complaints... right or wrong... that she has leveled back at me, explaining that I have been listening, and I understand how she feels on these issues, and I disagree on a few and left it at that. Some of them were spot on BTW. Then, I closed by explaining that I think her asking for a separation is probably for the best. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to be comfortable walking into a restaurant and enjoying a meal by myself. I need to unpin from her.
After she read that, she spent most of the rest of the day texting me back and for… rather nicely. She said thank you for understanding.

Later, I did mention in a second email (because I'm a geek) that of the 4745 days that we've been together, I can total MAYBE 50 days (no, I'm not keeping a record, that's all the fights I could think of)... 50 days out the 4547 that I've been unhappy with her at all. For the mathematicians out there... that's 1%. I told her that while I'm going to 'up-pin' my emotional wellbeing from her, I would focus on the 99% of the time where we had an amazing family. I would cherish the 99% while I was trying to let go.

... I haven't heard anything back, and I don't plan on initiating a conversation. I told my daughter that I would be home to see her, hopefully, sometime Christmas day... so that hopefully there aren't any surprise guests when I get back into town.

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Now, I don’t want to mislead anyone here… I’m a know it all. Really – I have been around the world and I have done everything from being a engineer, to working in telecommunications, to drilling rigs, to building signs, operating cnc equipment, large format printers, etc… and I can understand that I am hard to talk to. Take ‘MLC’ – I’ve CONSUMED information since the first night I found it and read the symptoms. I say this because I’m no way trying to claim that I’m a purely innocent bystander. I was an active participant… but from my perspective, the issues are all correctable and don’t rise to the level of separation and/or ending out marriage.

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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks Cadet - I'm trying not to 'invade' other people's threads. I'm not sure I'm at the point where I can ADD a lot...

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The 5 love languages. Figure out your wife's. Though you already said quality time. Start doing things to build her up. She's not gone and still is committed to your family and business. That's huge!! You have a real opportunity. Don't waste it. It's fine to tell us but you need to show her. And show her in a way that she believes it. That's why I said the 5LL. It will help you identify what works for her. Then also detach. Don't be so pushy. If you are nagging about the friends then stop.

Read DR and 5 LL. you have 2 weeks. Then have a new game plan for when you go home.




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No, I believe hers, without her actually taking the quiz - I'll try and ask her to take the quiz next time she calls or texts... but I BELIEVE hers are acts of service, and words of afformation. She gets really excite to see me with a weed eater in my hands.

That is REALLY good advice though MKB. I can perform acts of service for her, and distance myself at the same time. Like, if she's spending time with the kids, take her (usually dirty) car and wash it... without demanding hugs or anything else in return. It does make some sense... because I do work, a LOT, and I do some stuff for her and with her, but I could do a LOT more. More dishes, more laundry... Okay, my brain is running on overdrive now, must remember quiet and distance though.

Speaking of distance. I emailed her saying, I want space too, the separation isn't a bad thing, I need to work on trust issues with her, and so on... and she spends a couple hours last night texting me. Talking mostly about the kids, but also how she's going to bake me a pumpkin pie with my D13 because that's my favorite.

(I'm just doing a stream of thought thing here)

I think she likes the pursuit. I remember when we started dating, she chased me pretty hard. It wasn't until well after we were married that I really 'gave in' and there wasn't any pursuit after that... and we've had periodic problems of one sort or another since. I mean, I went all in because that's what I thought I was supposed to do... I didn't want her to think for a moment that there was a chance in HE!! that there was a possiblity that I my love was in doubt...

... maybe that doubt is what she needs???

Not that I need to stop loving her and being faithful, but in order to win the 'war', quit the fight???

I don't know... I only slept for a few hours last night and I could be going loco.

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You know, another thing has occurred to me, and it unfortunately seems to be a fairly common thread running through a LOT of the posts I read.

I know... very well... what being left behind does to a person's sense of self-worth. I mean, there has been a LOT of times over the last several weeks were my knees just didn't work. I lost it a few times when other stressors would kick my butt on top of all of this.

So I know very well what self-doubt and condemnation feels like, but my question is, who on earth would ever be attracted to someone like that? I mean - if my wife acted like I acted over the last few weeks... I'd probably step over her on the way to the restroom... like she practically did one time. She didn't pity me... and I need to thank her for that next time we talk.

She fell in love with a stand up, almost cocky, man that drew attention from nearly everyone when I walked into a room because I walked with authority. (I was just fresh out of the US Army as a Sergeant) Now... I'm a co-dependent, p-whipped little kid.

I can do better.

The point is, there is a reason that your spouse fell in love with you. Boo Hooing isn't not going to entice them to fall BACK in love with you.

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My letter to W this morning (in repy to one from her... I let her initiate)
*******

I do understand. I understand very well, and this may surprise you... but I agree. I have forgiven you for everything and I thank you. You have forgiveness issues... I have trust issues. I have no earthly idea how I'm going to over come that. THAT will take a long long time to heal. I hate the fact that I question everything you say... I hope that some day you can trust me enough to talk to me and I can trust you enough to listen. I hope YOU understand that. I'm not accusing you of lying about anything now... but the fact that I can't just accept what you say on face value really eats at me. It feeds my fear, it feeds my insecurity, it feeds my evil twin brother, and that feeds your fear and it's a vicious cycle.



Now, that said... what I wanted to tell you this morning is this... when I was at my low spot, when I was laying there in floor of the shop, and the night D20 sent me that hateful text, I'm very glad you did not show me any pity. I know it sounds weird... but if you had shown me any kindness then, we would be off in a completely wrong direction. I had to stand up on my own, and so in a weird way... thank you for not being too kind.



You know, I do understand when you say "you can't make us work" - I know. I do understand. I'm not angry over it... I'm actually thankful for it. I don't want you right now, frankly. I don't want someone that I question at every turn. I don't want someone that doesn't know how to forgive. Now, that doesn't mean I don't WANT YOU. That means that I don't want you any more than you want that guy who couldn't pick himself up off the floor.



I've picked myself up off the floor - can you?



I don't want this to sound too harsh or negative, that's not my intention. I want to thank you for not being kind. I want to thank you for asking for a seperation. I want to thank you for making me realize that I was a dependant p-whipped little b.... I need to fix that. Not for you... but for myself.



I also hope you don't take this as I'm giving up hope. Quite the opposite. I have more hope sitting here right now than I have had a long time. I have HOPE because my hope doesn't depend on you. I have hope because I know where I am going. I know what God whispered to me in the quiet of the night, and I'm going to stand on it. Where you go or what you do is up to you. I think you're an amazing woman. I think you're an amazing mom. I think you have the most AMAZING blue eyes that I've ever seen in my life and nothing in the world would make me happier than spending my life getting lost in their beautiful blue eyes. I KNOW your heart probably better than YOU do and it's a beautfiful thing - if you would only rid yourself of all the negative bullshit you've filled it with (lies, unforgiveness, hardness), and I think it would be awesome to grown old with you and continue that 99% streak we have...



... but I don't need you. If you can't... or won't... do it, I'll be okay.



I hope you understand.

*******

Too much, not enough, just right? Harsh???

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Originally Posted By: Knightyme
I think she likes the pursuit. I remember when we started dating, she chased me pretty hard. It wasn't until well after we were married that I really 'gave in' and there wasn't any pursuit after that...

I think you might be overthinking this.
Do you think there is something you can DO that is going to snap her out of this?

I can assure you that is not going to happen.

You might want to read the pursuit and distance thread and you can even google the book and find out lots more.

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Their are different traits to pursuit and distance. Men normally pursue in a sexual manner and women in an emotional way.


Me-70, D37,S36
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