Originally Posted By: zig KD - sometimes you are so d@mn cryptic, I have no idea what you are saying!!
maybe it's all that dang black label... hard to walk around here with all them empty bottles... lol...
well, if you joined us, you wouldn't notice, she retorts...
If the LBS has second thoughts about dropping the rope, moving on, and filing D... then they aren't done, yet.
One can have regret staying too long in recovery as chatter stated. ie. missing out on a new, fresh life because they were still standing for a R that never happens.
One can have regret for moving on and filing D because they think that maybe if they had waited one more month, one more year... if they have done one more thing...
There is potential to regret EITHER decision. So if you keep standing, do not regret it, you are choosing to. If you choose to move on and file D, do not regret it, you are choosing to.
Don't stay stuck in indecision because you fear regret. Just make a choice when you decide to, and own that responsibility.
And here's something else... for every moment the LBS does not make a choice... it's a choice by proxy, to stay standing. Every LBS who thinks they are in limbo, is actually choosing to continue to stand. Own the choice, call it something other than limbo, and keep standing. Or.... move on...
That's not a challenge to you, I'm just stating in a different way, the "do or don't do, there is no try" ism... All LBS face this.
Now, just because you move on, does not mean you need to D. I had a friend who M last year. They went to get the paperwork and the judge indicated that her fiancée was still M and needed to get the old M legally ended, first. While he probably didn't "forget", it was a legal separation from 10 years prior and he obviously got so used to "not being M", that he didn't realize the paperwork hadn't been done.
He only NEEDED to D, because he was getting M.
So that question is for you. Why D, unless you need to? What does D "mean" to you? What are your reasons to D? How does D... serve you...?
but that's implying that I want the divorce? i DON"T want a divorce at all, at all! He wants the divorce.
is it because i talk about moving on in my posts?
it's only because i'm trying to psyche myself into it, as it seems to be the only way that it could turn around. and even as i write that i feel as if i trip myself up and don't know what the hell i;m doing.
i understand feeling regret either way - i read your post and then stood at the stove again - and then i understood where i was at and the old pattern emerging. dang those old patterns, they are so pervasive.
the old pattern: when h does something too much for me, i retreat into being resentful, feeling justified at not wanting to be with him, saying eff this i've had enough. i'm STILL like that - groan
all these months as i empathized and understood where he was at, it was easy for me not to feel those old resentments - but now he went over the line (in my mind) and there they all come popping back up and , and STILL i want to save our marriage and restore our relationship.
so you picked up on that maybe - and till i do make a decision, i AM still standing whether i like it or not.
you know KD sometimes a big part of my fear within myself about wanting to save this comes from a place where i don't know if this is good for me or not. and when that fear rises, i see all the little things over the years and then just wonder if i am being a total fool for wanting to be with him. and then i think i go into the self-protective mode - my old one, where it is easier to feel those negative feelings and talk myself to a place where i can be without him
i see now how silly it is, but i don't know yet how to change that within myself. so periodically i vent it out and then go back to standing.
and then feel like a total idiot
maybe this week i am feeling lost because i don't know how to stand in the face of a D. do i go dark, do i continue being friendly and open and supportive and a safe place. how do i do those things?
even as i ask that , i am STILL doing those thing everyday. the battle is within myself completely.
so once agin friend, you nudge me to a place of further understanding
as for recovery - what does that entail? how would you describe one having recovered?
((((((((KD))))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
OK, so... I know you are feeling overwhelmed. There's been a lot of discussions which I suspect (hope) triggered a whole bunch of members to rethink where they are at. This board is great and the vets all have so much to offer and it is tough for each struggling member to get the attention they may need or want to edge them forward... or even sideways...
did you read dbmod's post in the "interpretation" thread? If not, please do. If an when you do, give me your thoughts on what that post meant, for you?
If you are not done, if you do not want the D, then you can still move forward, whether the M is saved, or not.
So, the homework? Read dbmod's post and report back...
i did read dbmod's post before yours. and yes it got me thinking - that i should copy and paste that here and answer those questions for myself and i'm still thinking - so will get back to you with my homework.
i'm just about to sit down and read pg 216 again!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
"you know that this could take a while, possibly months" this one
or this "you have some investigative work to do.. No, I don't mean snooping.... ... you need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself"
actually - when i reread that again i stopped - is she actually suggesting you spend time with OP to find out what they are fulfilling? i surely must be reading that wrong. got to put that dang bottle a way for a bit
pg 217 - make a full life for yourself (that's what coach said)
sorry i'm not sure i got it correct - your hint
still working on my answer..
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
but nope, the hint I was talking about was specifically about the "investigation". What did your coach tell you about, "flirting" with your H? ie. Getting to know what needs he is fulfilling with the OP
and no, lol... it does read interestingly, but it's not about spending time with the OP... Think of it this way, there are some things you can certainly guess. Such as physical and emotional connection, "freedom", fun, variety / new experience... what else?
So that question is for you. Why D, unless you need to? What does D "mean" to you? What are your reasons to D? How does D... serve you...?
Good one! This is the very reason that I attended the initial status confrence at court and then neglected to proceed with completing the required paperwork. fwiw, H has not completed his part either. I just don't see the urgency in having a divorce decree, or how it would change my current realtiy.
I love the part about standing vs feeling confused. I think lbs feels in limbo bc they feel the need to label their state of mind vs forgetting about it all together and moving on/acting as if.
In light of everything it causes me to once again look at myself.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
I am no where near KD's level, I just really wanted to respond to you <3
maybe this week i am feeling lost because i don't know how to stand in the face of a D. do i go dark, do i continue being friendly and open and supportive and a safe place. how do i do those things?
Zig how would you feel/act if that conversation had never taken place? Because, honestly, that conversation didn't really change anything. The potential completion of the D, which hasnt even been filled yet, is far off in the future.
I know the conversation brings to life fears and sadness in the "endness" of something you have stood for for so long, but don't inflate the conversation into something so big and scary that it knocks you off balance.
This has been going on for some time, but it isn't over. Yes, the two of you had "real" moments during that conversation, but you don't even know what place he was in when he voiced his decision to D.
(((zig))) your reaction is totaly normal, expected even. The fact that it took you out of your place of serenity really makes me want to remind you of not jumping on the rollar coaster with H.
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
Think of it this way, there are some things you can certainly guess. Such as physical and emotional connection, "freedom", fun, variety / new experience... what else?