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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2251788#Post2251788
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I made my appt with Cheryl it's on Wednesday. I have to admit I feel a little bit uneasy because I sorta felt pressured to sign up for more sessions. And I can only imagine that I would have if I had called them earlier in my sitch.

Today I had to go to the city with S. We went somewhere where there were loads of young families and seeing doting dads was kinda hard because I had a miscarriage and H was very emotionally unavailable. I still grieve over that. And maybe because I woke up early or because I'm PMS I was having a hard time. (or if it was because I'd made a list for cheryl of our timeline) I think I'm really tired of thinking about him. I kept thinking of times we'd gone there in the past and it wasn't all good. I remembered a weekend away when we were going to see a play I was really excited about and I remember distinctly that something happened and I was crying and he didn't give a sh%t and I said to him I want a divorce. By the end of the day we supposedly were okay but I remember we stayed at nice hotel that night and didn't even ML. And he has fond memories of that or did later but I thought how often did we rewrite bad times.

I want to be happy that he's out of his emotional funk. That he's finally doing a lot of things (but who knows if he even wants to) but I'm just tired of thinking of him. I'm tired of wanting....I don't know...something to happen. And everywhere I look I feel like I am getting that something happening. I'm getting him committing to another woman.

I'm tired of thinking about this Marriage. I'm tired of grieving it. I'm tired of weighing up how it could work and what we should work on and understanding how I made him feel. I'm tired of considering 5 different ways I should answer his text (if I get one) tired of telling myself that I'm giving him friendship when the truth is we don't have one. I'm tired of worrying that anything I put on FB will be seen by him and what he might think or even that he will know about my life.

I'm sick of his presence being here even though he's gone. I think when I met him I was a different person and he fulfilled something in me. But somehow our values fell out of sync with one another.

I'm honestly making this appt with Cheryl because I need one final appraisal if you will. I have spent the past few months working on me, attempting a friendship and time and distance and space only to have a bomb dropped on me. I don't think I can keep this door open, because it's hurting me too much. He maybe sees me as a plan b, he certainly doesn't see me as a plan a, and he has a pattern the easy road except for once with me. I don't want to be anyone's easy road, and I don't want to be anyone's plan b. I never in my life want to help/rescue/save a man.

I have been trying to let go with love and it's too hard. I think I've got to just let go....and not even think of him as a viable option. BECAUSE HE ISN'T. He is not only NOT someone that is available as a possible partner, he isn't the partner I would want. So why am I doing this to myself?

I really try to be positive. And I try to focus on being calm and happy and content. And I am for the most part. I had a wonderful time with my son today. He was SO talkative for a teenage boy. We laughed at a lot of stuff and had a good day. Which is why it made me so angry that thoughts of H crept in.

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brit, i wish i had an answer for you but i'm asking the same questions.

it's so hard not having a future in our minds. we can't see ourselves with them and we won't see ourselves without them.

my IC said today that i have to make some choices soon. she said this waiting will have to come to an end and i'll have to make some decisions. she left it up to me when that will happen but she said everyone will get tired of this, me and H.

the question is: do i make it or let him make it? if he makes a decision for R, it would be great. if he decides D, it will be like another bomb.

do i give him control or take it??

let me know if you figure this out...


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Hang in there Brit.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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Hey Brit, I've talked to Cheryl x3 and she is a tremendous help. Keep your chin up, your Wednesday appointment will most certainly help you out. You sound like you're approaching the edge of tolerance and timing that you so kindly pulled me back from last week. If you are getting to your fork in the road you know everyone will be here to support you, but I urge you to keep cool until your appt. with Cheryl to hear what she has to say. Tell her Ben said hello :-)

I'm in the same boat as you Brit. I'm sick of thinking about her, I'm sick of thinking about us, I'm sick about thinking about possibilities, as everything (or lack thereof) rather is pointing toward her no longer giving a flip about me in any way. Despite all this for whatever reason I still love this woman and for some reason that gives me hope. This in itself is probably foolish, if I weren't a hopeless romantic I probably wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

You ask why are you doing this to yourself... Do you still love your husband? That's the only reason why I think any of us are still doing it.


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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Brit45 Offline OP
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Thinking more about that weekend away I mentioned in that post...it was a pattern. He had stopped being caring. And when I was really needing him to be caring and he wasn't I would get more emotional/needy and he would get more detached.

In this instance, I'm crying in public and he walks away to have a smoke and call his sister.

Perhaps this is happening now in a much grander scale. and for all my emotion, declarations of love, promises of change, being nice, he's detaching and walking away because he's wary and thinks it's all a bit weird. I'm not saying being mean will bring him back. I'm just saying a Brit that's a little bit angry is a Brit he feels safer with. I don't think he trusts my new attitude and I thought with time he would. And maybe that's why they feel the need to check in all over GD creation to test me.

And maybe none of this has anything to do me and I'm just insanely self centred. But I'm not really playing nice anymore. I'm not going to be mean...I'm shutting the door. It'll have a glass pane or something but the door is shut for right now.

Also a friend just invited me for a BBQ when I have my appt with Cheryl and now I wish I hadn't made the appt and I'd be having fun instead of PAYING to talk about H

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SS, that was an interesting comment your IC made to you and I do believe it is not just relevant to Brit...

We call it "standing" for our M... but that does not mean "standing still"...

I'll often make reference to stand still in order to find what you are looking for. And that is very true. When we are looking for something INSIDE us, we need to stand still.

When we are experiencing the world OUTSIDE of ourselves, then moving around at least a little is important...

Brit, you don't have to close the door. One thing is certain though... Your H is with someone else... until he decides he no longer wants to be with her... he's made it clear that he won't be with you...

Re-read your "how are friend's" list... are you wanting a friend... or are you wanting a lover...?

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I have been standing still and that has brought so much of a breakthrough in my life actually. I think my entire life I have had this sense of anxiety. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be working harder in my career? Am I being a good parent? What will I be doing in 5 years? Why haven't I travelled enough. I would make lists and plans and than have anxiety if they weren't happening and be upset with myself if I didn't make them happen. I did that our whole M.

Now? I honestly feel like for the first time in my life I am enjoying things...anything. Last night, I folded laundry and as I turned off the lights I looked around my kitchen and just felt happy and content. Today even though it sounds like I had a bad day I actually had so much fun. I talked to strangers, had a wonderful time with my son, stopped and enjoyed street performers without worrying about what time we needed to be somewhere, noticed nature, took pictures of baby swans. I really am happier than I have been in a long time.

Which is why this upsets me. I want to stop thinking about him. You're right he won't be with me.

We're not friends and that's really hard. After the bomb he told me that I'm still his best friend no one knows me like him and no one knows him like me. But he doesn't share his life with me. Possibly because of what he thinks my reaction will be, he doesn't want to talk about her. And there really isn't much in his life but her. I did feel like I did a good job on Wednesday when I brought up his trip with her and said it looked like they had fun and he told me a funny story about car trouble. Then on Saturday he was very very nice to me, told me I looked amazing/fantastic, said he wanted to take care of me, and sent a gift of breakfast home with S. But then told me (when I sorta pushed him on it) that it was a gift for both of us.

So while I feel like he isn't being my friend he may be trying to I don't know! Whenever I think of doing something "friendly" IE I knew he was jealous of us going today (his words) when we were together he was really looking forward to this thing I almost texted him to tell him about it. But I thought that's pursuing and is he going to text me this weekend when he's at an event with her that we were initially going to go to together? no...so I'm pursuing.

I don't even want him as a BF/H/lover right now...I feel like everytime I work on being a friend and working on that side of the relationship and I'm happy with the interaction something will happen FROM HIM that throws me off...the text two weeks ago that was really personal about my achievement (that was kinda not something my best GF would have sent) or the inside joke that my mom used to say, or telling me how fantastic I looked/saying he wants to take care of me, that just pushes me off my stable platform or knocks part of it out from under me so I'm balancing on one leg and just unsure.

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So do you think he meant it? Or was it just lip service? (the being friends, part)...

Because you're right... your friend list is pretty standard... the bit about sharing...

So maybe he will actually be willing to be your friend, some time in the future...

And in the future, you can decide... IF it ever happens...

Why would you otherwise want to be friends with someone who is not being friends with you...? I know I'm bad for that... sometimes I just can't take a hint...

For now... you are building a new life for yourself... with the new knowlege and upgraded version of yourself... cool

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Brit45 Offline OP
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I think he meant it. He has ALWAYS valued the fact that he is friends with people he's known since he was a kid. But he doesn't really open up to people. I think when he says "you're best friend" what he really means I opened up to you. But I think as he opens up to someone new...this connection isn't needed anymore.

But that could just be me looking at it from a victim role.

If I were looking at this pragmatically from an outside stand point, I would say that he and I have always said we had a great friendship and had fun together. And when I was the WAW we still very much wanted to be friends. But right now between my panic attacks, and pursuit, his hurt over my R with someone, and his current R, it's difficult to have a friendship.

I think I get what you're saying.

3 months ago I was rejected when I wanted to work on the M, and now I'm being rejected in friendship, and all those rejections are making me angry because I can't control them, and they aren't happening on my timeline. I feel shut out on all levels. And yet I'm still getting drips and drops of the side of him that made me fall in love with him.

To answer Broken I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him as a person...a person I see with faults and positives.

If nothing else, I will say that I am so happy he and S are having a relationship and spending time together. It's his SS and it reaffirms who I believed he was. I also have lately had a new appreciation for how he conducted himself throughout or separation even after meeting her and dating her while he was living here. He told me he respected me and I do think he did/does.

Sorry Kaffe you can cut to the point with very good questions and I have to waffle about to sort myself out...

Quote:
Why would you otherwise want to be friends with someone who is not being friends with you...?
because I want him in my life. But maybe just like he needed some time to come around to spending time with SS, he just needs time to see what a friendship with me can look like while he's in a R.

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ps I do feel a lot better thank you Kaffe, Broken, SS, and BD

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