Hello, this is something very new for me. I’m not one who talks to people about my problems. But, I have realized that I can’t do this alone. I’m a father of two boys; one is 3 the other 5. I have been with my wife for 13 years; we will be married for 7 years in June. I worked multiple jobs, one at a hospital, fire department, and also going to college. Back in November I told my wife that I needed to go see someone because I was having a hard time dealing with a fatal fire I had and that I didn’t think I was living my life to the best. She at the same time said that she was not happy and had been trying to figure out how to make it as a single mom. That took me by surprise. At the same time I was wondering if she was getting to close to a friend of ours that she was working with and that we had over to visit a lot. She said it was just someone she could talk to. So, the next month or so I tried to be more of a father and loving husband. I thought things where getting better but on December 27th, she told me that the M was to far gone and that it could not be fixed. We started counseling in January, but Monday she said she wanted a D. It has been a rollercoaster the whole time. I have read many books and so has she. I wish I would have come here sooner. I think I have just pushed her father away by doing all the things that the book says not to do. We also found out about three or four weeks ago she has been talking to are so called friend 10 to 15 times a day and hours at time. She has shut her whole family out, except her brother and his new wife, who likes drama. She has been living with them since February. The sister-in-law told me if that was her, she would have filed for divorce already, don’t think she is helping things. I once told my W that everything I try blows up in my face, she said that this whole thing has blown up in her face since the start. We think she thought that the family was going to be on her side and support her, but that’s not the case. Yesterday I decide that I was going to GAL, I still want the M to work. I love her more than ever. But, nothing is working. Time for some space and tough love. I texted her yesterday and said “I respect you very much. You know how I feel about you and this. If you truly think that a D is the best thing, then I will not fight you. I want to have a great friendship for us and the boys. I hope and pray that we can still work this out.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
Yesterday I decide that I was going to GAL, I still want the M to work. I love her more than ever. But, nothing is working. Time for some space and tough love. I texted her yesterday and said “I respect you very much. You know how I feel about you and this. If you truly think that a D is the best thing, then I will not fight you.
Welcome to the board.
You have given yourself good advice above, start to put it into place, and get off of the rollercoaster. You will need to learn how to give her space, she wants a divorce and you both need to learn what that means. Start right now, do not wait until after the divorce.
DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
shockeddad, Welcome to the board. I think you'll find it's one of the best places to be for one of the worst situations to be in. I am sorry to hear about your situation.
Good for you for seeking help with your issues with you not feeling like you were living your best life.
I've certainly heard a lot of the same things from my W you've heard.
Now is the time to really focus on yourself. Be there for your boys. Become the best father and man you can become. You can't control what your W is doing.
Cut any pursuing, ILYs, etc. It's just going to remind your W of the feelings she doesn't have right now.
Post with short posts and post often. We're here to help. You will be on moderation for awhile so your posts won't show up right away.
How do I detach her when we are at my sons t-ball games. I don't want to come across as I don't care or mean. We are also possibly going to be with each other at the family cabins this upcoming holiday weekend. What to do or act?
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby, I'm not ready yet. Never tells me that anything was bugging her. This whole thing just does not make sense. Thought everthing was great, even getting better over the year, I'm so lost.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
"One thing on my mind. She has not had her ring on for about 5 to 6 months. Should I still keep mine on or take it off. How might this affect her?"
Don't worry about the ring thing, she's playing being single. You have much bigger problems that worry over wearing your rings or how that might affect her.
"In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby,"
She was totally contradicting in her desires in a short period of time without cause. So either she was having a PA and thought she could be pregnant, or she's very screwed up thinking a baby could help the M. Which, btw, couldn't be further from the truth! Never have a baby thinking it will draw the two of you closer.
This OM that your W has as a "friend" is probably who she is having an EA with, if not a PA. Don't buy into that cr@p that she has him over just to talk. Don't let that man come into your home b/c he's no friend, trust me.
Your M can be saved, but you've got to do what people tell you works...and not what you feel you want to do.
Start with no sharing a cabin during the holidays. Do not contact her unless extremely important about kids. Leave her alone and pull as far back as you can. Don't act like a total jerk but show no interest in her at all. Fill your life with other people and good friends (not her shared friends or family) but just your friends. Be around people who have a positive affect on you. Don't talk to family about her or the MR b/c you will not get unbiased advice.
Can you do it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: the ring. I don't think it matters. I wear mine out of principle that I am not giving up even when things look down.
Listen to the advice on here: detach detach detach! It took me 3 months to get the point where I grew more comfortable with doing that. I wish I did it sooner.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Re: the ring. I don't think it matters. I wear mine out of principle that I am not giving up even when things look down.
Listen to the advice on here: detach detach detach! It took me 3 months to get the point where I grew more comfortable with doing that. I wish I did it sooner.
Yep. I initially took off my ring (because I thought it would make H think that's not what he really wanted but it didn't work). My DB coach recommended I put it back on. I'll take it off, if ever, when I'm good and ready to. I'm not there yet
Stop talking about your M with your W especially until you have read DB/DR. That's for you - don't share it with her. Read it over lunch at work if you have to.
