Hi everyone. I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for two years. We've been together for a total of four years. He is from Australia, and we admittedly got married earlier than we would have liked so that he could stay permanently. He did NOT marry me to gain US citizenship.
We have had, in my opinion, a relatively good relationship. I do realize that I am an over-emotional person at times and he is very stoic and non-emotional, which is where the issues sometimes lie. I also think that neither of us are particularly good communicators. He doesn't know how to express himself verbally, and I just cry and get confused and it never works out well. In any event, we have gone through some tough times; we both have jobs we hate, he misses his family and his home greatly. We share some resentment towards each other, and I realize that there were times when I should have helped him through difficult emotional situations. For instance, in 2009, his friend passed away and he decided to take a week to go back to Australia for the ceremony. All I could think about was myself. I was angry he was leaving me alone. I was angry that he was going when we didn't have a lot of money for expensive tickets. He smoked some cigarettes with his friends while we were there. I was angry that he did that. He was just trying to deal with his grief, and I was incredibly immature. I don't think we ever really discussed this as a source for his resentment, but this, and similar situations, are probably what have gotten us here.
About a two months ago, he admitted that he felt like our relationship had diminished within the last year or so. We barely had any physical contact, we didn't really talk about anything other than superficially, we didn't do anything together. We just came home, chatted, played on our computers, and went to sleep. He felt the spark was gone. I tried talking to him about it, told him that it was normal, sparks fade, new feelings arise. I felt a bit bored, but I felt comfortable and safe having him around and I love him deeply and care about him more than anyone. We had a few days of no contact, and he decided that it was worth fighting for. We were honest with each other, our sex life was great, we were talking, doing things together. He seemed a little down, but overall, things were picking up.
We had a minor argument last week, during which I was upset because he was paying little attention to me. He blurted out that he still didn't feel the spark, and didn't think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He cares about me more than anything and loves me more than anything, but doesn't know if that's enough.
I know I have made mistakes. I know I could have been more emotionally supportive. I know that I could have expressed my appreciation more. I should have told him how much he means to me. I took him for granted. I know that. He did so much for me. His good traits outweigh his bad traits. He has always put my emotions first.And I have learned that men express their feelings by DOING rather than by the way girls think it's right to express their feelings. He was truly a provider, and I think I emotionally wore him down. He wasn't always emotionally there for me, and that is difficult to deal with, but I think he did his best, and I feel like I was too needy and eventually he felt he could no longer handle it. I expected him to always know what I was thinking. I expected him to be at my beck and call, and got upset when he didn't immediately respond to me. I was emotionally draining. He was, too. I wanted him to do more. I wanted him to do things with me. He wanted to sit at home and play on his computer all night. He didn't like "activities" but I just wish he would try new things with me. He used to like doing that stuff with me. I wish it wasn't too late.
We were going to move to Australia in December. We were working on getting my visa. I was going to go to school. We were going to be closer to friends and family. The stresses of life and work here were going to alleviated for the most part and he wouldn't be homesick anymore. I was thrilled and was doing it not just for him, but for me. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to be near his extremely supportive and kind family. I wanted to live in that country. And now, even though we have gone through this process, he doesn't think it's a good idea. He doesn't want to "lead me on" or cause me to do something that will make me across the world. I am devastated. I feel like I have lost my world and my future.
He wants time and space to think. I am currently visiting with my parents in Arizona for a week. I know that that's probably not enough time for him to make a decision, but maybe he'll see that I am willing to do what needs to be done. I am willing to fight to make this work, and he knows that. I just wish he felt that way, too. I am so emotional right now and I have been crying non-stop. I feel lost and dead and empty. His family feel that he will change his mind, but he refuses to talk to his mother or his sister, and I think he just needs another perspective. A lot of people go through this. Relationships lose their spark, but we still feel for each other. His mother has told him that she feels that he can work this out with me.
I have been reading Michele Weiner Davis's book, and it has made me feel a little better and optimistic. I had drafted a huge letter with all of my regrets, but decided not to send it, despite his family encouraging me to. We have had limited contact since Monday and we've only spoken briefly. He texted me to wish me a safe flight, and I simply thanked him. He then asked how my weekend was, so I told him I had a fun visit with some friends. I want him to realize that, even though I am sad, I can make myself a better person through this. I have faith in him, finally, for the first time that he will come back when he is ready to, if only to talk to me about it. I want to give him space, because I know I haven't in the past, and I would like to try something different since what I did in the past didn't work. I didn't send that letter. I mistakenly asked him if we could talk yesterday, and he said I could email him. I didn't. He texted me to ask me where at the train station I had left the car so that he could pick it up. Today, I made sure not to reach out to him at all until he did and I feel proud that I didn't cave in. I am going to enjoy my week away. But ultimately, I know that we can get through this. I've identified where we went wrong. I've written goals that I want to work on with him.
I am seeing a marriage counselor in two weeks, when I get back. I asked him if he'd come with me. First he said no. Then he said maybe. Now he said he's "leaning towards it." He told me he will contact me when he is ready to. I have tended to not have much faith in him in the past. This is something else that has been a source of resentment, which I think is a major problem within our relationship. We resent each other because of our emotional negligence towards each other. I am going to have faith in him this time. I'm not going to pressure or coerce him. I am concerned because I know his family is reaching out to him, too, and I think they are pressuring him. They want him to work it out with me, too. But it needs to be his own decision.
I am finding it somewhat difficult, at times, to utilize Michele's book, since most of it assumes that you're close to the person from whom you've separated. We also don't have much time. He is moving back to Australia in December. It's not much time for us to get things worked out, should we go down that path. I think it's worth it, but realize with the time constraint that it's going to be even more difficult than usual, and that is also why I feel like my situation is a little different.
I would love some insight, if that's possible. Thanks so much.
Welcome to the board. You'll definitely find the help you need here.
It sounds like you've figured out many of the things you need to work on. Right now he has to have the time and space to figure things out on his own. Meanwhile, try and incorporate the things you've learned into your every day life so that it becomes a permanent change.
For the interactions that you do have with him, be sure to not linger on the R. To him that's a negative. Talk to him like you did when you were first interested in him but not too clingy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You have a lot of time between now and December. It sounds like you are off to a good start with reading MWD's book. Are you reading DB or DR? I recommend both, as well as The Five Love Languages to start.
Have you spoken yet to the marriage counselor to determine if he/she is pro-marriage?
How old is your H?
Keep posting while you are on moderation. Folks will stop in and advise although it will take a bit of time before your posts show up at first.
I'm sorry that you've had to come here, but this forum will be a great support to you. It's very frustrating at first on moderation, as my posts took days to show up. Use that time to read as many threads as you can. Even if they don't seem to be quite like your situation, there is a lot you can learn from them.
Also, on the sticky at the top of the forum is Sandi's 37 rules. That needs to become your new handbook to figure out how to interact with your H. Some of the ideas are very difficult to implement at first, but they should give you good results.
Be thankful that you have six months. Many here have had S's walk out and move in with OP, filing for D almost immediately. You've got time to get some good results and improve your life, regardless of what happens in the M.
And I agree with Vera about checking to make sure the counselor is pro-marriage. Many traditional counselors encourage people to do what will make them happy in the short term and may advise divorce. You can google pro marriage counselors to make sure they'll work for the marriage.
Keep posting and feel free to journal here, especially when something upsets you and you'd normally want to contact your H.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Hi everyone, Thanks so much for your replies. My husband is 26. His mother and sister have been in contact with me, and they keep assuring me that he loves me more than anything and maybe is just panicking over the move in December. I'm not sure that I agree. To me, it feels like it is over for good.
Since I've been away, we've had some minor conversations. He texted me to tell me to have a safe flight, so I thanked him. I had spent two days in the city, so in response, he asked me how my trip was, so I told him that I had a fun time with my two friends. He told me that he had picked up the bed frame that we had bought to take to Australia with us, and naturally I was reading into this, but I realize I shouldn't. I told him I had to go on the plane and would talk to him soon.
Yesterday, he ordered something through my amazon account (because I get free shipping) so I forwarded him the order confirmation so that he could have the tracking information. He emailed me back to thank me and asked me how my trip with my parents was going, so I wrote back and said that I was having a great time and that I hoped he was well.
I've decided that I need to stop speaking with his mom and his sister, I think. I don't want him clouding his judgment. I know his mom has been encouraging him to go to counseling with me. I really hope he will come. I have NOT mentioned anything pertaining to our relationship. This is a big difference right now, because I did used to constantly nag him about talking about things. I hope he sees this as a change.
I read Divorce Remedy, but I am going to the library today to read DB and any other self-help books that I can. I have been very teary while I've been here, understandably, but I am going to look at schools here so at least I can have an idea as to what I'll do with myself if this doesn't work out.
This is so hard. I feel like the problems we had are fixable. I feel like we have both been able to identifying a lot of the underlying causes that brought us here, and I think that we can work on them. I found the counselor through my job's employee assistance program and they're supposed to call me tomorrow to give me the details; at that point I'll know if the counselor is pro-marriage.
I am worried about what I'll do when I get back. How I'll greet him when I get home. How we'll interact. What I'll say. I'm dreading it.
Today, I emailed my husband because I am supposed to be scheduling an appointment to see the marriage counselor and I don't know if I should make it for both of us or just myself. I wrote a very simple email to him: My intent is not to pressure you, but I am meant to schedule an appointment with the marriage counselor tomorrow. I was just wondering if I should make the appointment for both of us. Please let me know. Thank you. I hope that that isn't against the rules.
