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#2242938 05/04/12 07:35 PM
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Hey guys - sorry i've started a new thread, but i'm still posting on my phone and can't figure out how to get my old ones! i haven't actually posted too much, but i have read daily, and drawn lots of strength from the support and advice you have all given each other. my husband and i have lived apart since july last year. at the start i have to confess to doing EVERYTHING you're not supposed to -crying, begging, even turning up at his house late at night (oh the shame!). i tried all of the DB techniques but i didn't really get it i don't think until christmas when i finally managed to detach. it just happened. i realised ththat whilst i had contributed to what had happened in the relationship,it wasn't all my fault. i also realised that i could still love my H but value myself too, and realised that, no matter what, i would be ok.

i still felt desperately sad, but for the first time i started to feel like living again. And so i was able to communicate with my H as I would a friend, without the bitterness or the crazy antics. And boy did he notice the difference. Over the last few months we've been talking like we never have before. a lot of issues have been aired, and i'm actually due to be going to stay with him for a while tomorrow. we've a long way to go, and it may not work out, but for the first time in a long time.i think we have a chance. I really juat wanted to share to say that it can happen - my H was completely adament when i moved out that he didn't love me, never did amd wanted a divorce. I just finally accepted that i could not control him, and my words were not the magic cure for him, he had to find his own way.
i also had fantastic support from a DB coach, and would highly recommend the coaching sessions. And i really just wanted to say how wonderful i think this forum is, and how wonderful you all are to be helping and supporting each othrr so much.

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Hey Tinker! Just wanted to say thanks for this today, I desperately needed to read one of these...

Can I ask you after you finally detached how long was it before you started communicating regularly with your H? I "think" I have finally detached from my W we haven't spoken in almost 3 weeks so I'm curious as to your experience.

Keep up the good work and good luck!


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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I loved reading this. I think I needed to see it. I have just realised that 90% of the time I initiate the conversation phone calls or texts so I stopped this week. I've had one text to confirm that he was coming over that night and the days when I hear nothing...well I get to the end of the day and I think that was a day he didn't want to talk to me. Like you I did realise that I can't control or speed things up. I told him that I'd let go. But I think actions speak louder than words. It's so nice to hear that it can turn around.
Good luck keep me/us updated!

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this has made my night, thanks...and congrats


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
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Me-70, D37,S36
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Yes, thank you so much for this. It gives me hope that maybe this DBing will actually work. Any more details you could give us would be appreciated. I know every sitch is different, but just reading how you're making it through might provide us with some inspiration.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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I'm very happy to hear this! Best of wishes to you!!!

I'm also curious, like broken...how long did you detach? I'm with you broken--going on 4 weeks here and still nothing!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Hi All

Thanks for the replys - sorry I haven't seen them until now. I didn't have any contact with my H for about three weeks - I did find it hard because we always spoke about 20 times a day, but at the time I felt so exhausted I just needed some me time. To be honest though I think the true detaching came when I was back in contact with him but was completely different - I know longer answered his calls on the first ring, was no longer waiting around for him to ring! I was going out and actually enjoying myself, and I was feeling more like 'me' than I have in a long time.

I'm back at the house now - I know it was going to be bumpy because we've lived apart so long, but after having a lovely Saturday and Sunday together, yesterday he was acting really off and told me yesterday afternoon he feels like 'there's something missing' (that old chestnut!). That's all he's said and I didn't particuarly feel like talking to him about it (a bit 180 for me because I would usually just talk and talk and talk at him). Now I'm not too sure what to do - I don't just want to move back out because I feel that will be a massive step back (and legally he can't make me move out anyway). Do you guys think I'm should just stay put but not have any relationship talk?

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Have had a text from my husband saying we need to chat and he can'tt help how he feels. I've a horrible feeling he's going to say he wants me to move back out.I think if he does say that, i'm just going to acknowledge how he's feeling, and suggest a date in a couple of weeks to move back out,on the basis that pafking and unpacking is all a bit of a hassle and it'll give me a bit of time to get sorted. and really work hard db-ing in the interim! I think he will be expecting me to either flip out and pack my stuff immediately and tell him thats it, or start lecturing him about what he should/shouldnt be doing - i don't want to do that. I feel like giving up, but I look how far we've come to just get to this point. is there any coming back from 'i just feel there's something missing'?

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Originally Posted By: tinker
I'm back at the house now - I don't just want to move back out because I feel that will be a massive step back (and legally he can't make me move out anyway). Do you guys think I'm should just stay put but not have any relationship talk?
Then this post
Originally Posted By: tinker
Have had a text from my husband saying we need to chat and he can'tt help how he feels. I've a horrible feeling he's going to say he wants me to move back out.I think if he does say that, i'm just going to acknowledge how he's feeling, and suggest a date in a couple of weeks to move back out,on the basis that pafking and unpacking is all a bit of a hassle and it'll give me a bit of time to get sorted. and really work hard db-ing in the interim! I think he will be expecting me to either flip out and pack my stuff immediately and tell him thats it, or start lecturing him about what he should/shouldnt be doing - i don't want to do that. I feel like giving up, but I look how far we've come to just get to this point. is there any coming back from 'i just feel there's something missing'?

Not only does he have EXPECTATIONS but so do YOU.

Why are you moving out of YOUR house?

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Let him move out!


Me-70, D37,S36
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