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Old threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...848#Post2178848
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...623#Post2161623
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...171#Post2155171
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...081#Post1979081
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...476#Post2206476

Time to start a new thread:

Major transition happening here. W is very emotional about seperation papers I sent her last week, and we are negotiating seperation details right now. Both her note and my note had very caring statements about broken hearts, always loving each other, cherishing our time together, and so on. Don't really know what it means.

Everyone I talk to tells me my W has made her choices, and that she needs to move down her path. I am told I need to cut her off and let her go. No more contact. We are currently seperating finances, changing credit cards, etc., so there will be very little financial contact after the formal legal seperation in January. Her life is a shambles, and she gets over the top emotional every time we talk. She is apparently about to get into a relationship with an old boyfriend of 25 years ago, with probably predicatable results.

I have been operating on the premise that my W is emotionally fragile and confused due to major depression and other issues. I have been trying to be as supportive as possible, making occasional contact to let her know someone is out here
who cares about her. Do I just go dark and not contact her at all? Just let her go, and realize she is gone forever and move on? Or do I check in occassionaly because I am so amazingly concerned for her?

Do I even send a text that says "Merry Xmas"?

Hard place here.


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
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Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they get help. She has made her choice and she needs to deal with the consequences of her choices, both good and bad. I know it's tough to see someone you care about hurting, but you can't help her if you're being pulled under too.

Checking in on her could be doing more harm than good. I say, give her one final note... "I'll always care. If you need anything, just ask." and then go dark. You need to move on with your life. Forever is a long time. If you still have hope that she'll come back, that's fine. But right now, you need to let her be, and concentrate on you. GAL


When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
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I couldn't agree with brenalim more! (which I have said before AC).

I am going to struggle with wishing my wife "Merry Christmas" as well. There is a part of me that is like "what is the big deal". The big deal is that she is NO WAY being an active part of my life.

If I was going to "forget" that my w was my w for a moment... I would not wish her Merry Christmas. Why? Because she's not really a friend. She makes no point to care about me.

I would not send any kind of happy wishes to that person. Not because I would wish them harm, but because I accept that we do not have that relationship.

You need to start seeing your w for what she is RIGHT NOW vs. Who she was. She is a person whom you know and SHARED a connection with.. but is not even a friend. That may change at some point, but for now.. unfortunately it is what it is.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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AC,
I agree with both posters. You have told her you will be there for her, and that you care about her. She knows this. I think it is time to go gray, at least. Meaning that the only time you contact her is when she contacts you, and if you are not there to take the call,you call her back at your convenience.

This is how things are with my w, and, as you know, our sitchs are amazingly similar. Both of us are the same age, our w's are about the same age, both have moved to another state, both may be involved with old flames from 25 years ago, etc. the big difference being that my w is not suffering(to my knowledge) the deep depression that yours is.

With the exception of one time the day after thanksgiving, I have not contacted my s. I did send her a card for our anniver, but in the two months she has been gone, she has initiated all contacts, which is generally about 1 per week.

Our styles are very similar, we have both sought to take the high ground and keep the door ajar. But, now for your own sanity, and out of respect for your w, who wants detachment at this time, maybe it is time to go gray.

Good luck buddy


m 54
XW 48
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
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Update:
Sent W the latest version of the Separation papers...all she has to do is sign and have her L file. Looks like the final court date will be in late January. Great time of year to be doing this.

Been having ups and downs, but trying to move forward. I am pushing myself to GAL as much as possible, and to get back into my professional life. Looking very forward to a few days in Las Vegas starting this weekend - I think the break will do me some much needed good. I have developed a new set of GAL targets, that I am going to stick to religiously.

At everyone's suggestion, I am not going to contact W unless she contacts me. This is her journey, and I am not involved. I am here if she needs me, or wants to hear from me, and I hope she knows that.

Happy Holiday everyone.


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 622
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I would like to thank all who have provided support and advice to me throughout my sitch. You folks are wonderful, and wish everyone the best in their respoective situations as time marches on.

Happy Holidays


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 622
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The best thing a man can do (IMO) to cause the WAW to wrestle with her decisions, is for him to be disinterested in her. She sees him moving on, quite happily, and totally over her. When this entire thing has come around to bite her in the a$$, then she'll see the big mistake she's made. But as long as she sees life without you being better than life with you, she won't desire to change her decisions.

Sandi2:
Words of wisdom, as per norm. I think, after months and months, that I finally get this. Took me submitting Seperation papers, realizing I cannot help my depressed WAW, that she is on her own journeay, and I cannot do a thing about it. I mentioned previously that I hit bottom last week, that I cannot go any lower. That realization led me to drop the rope, completely detach, and go completely dark. W has to wrestle with her demons and come to her own end of the road. My being there is only making it more difficult. I now accept the fact that in all liklihood I will never see her again. If she does contact me, the road home will always be paved and smooth. But that is her call.

Time for me to move on and take care of myself. Wish me luck!

Happy Holidays


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Sorry to hijack, AC...

Sandi2, could you seek out Ash's post in "Divorced but not done". I think you might be able to provide some insight as to the decisions you made and work you did to save your M.

Thanks...

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Originally Posted By: any chance?
Words of wisdom, as per norm. I think, after months and months, that I finally get this.

...

I mentioned previously that I hit bottom last week, that I cannot go any lower. That realization led me to drop the rope, completely detach, and go completely dark.


Honestly, I wish it didn't take finding the bottom to move forward. I do agree that this is often the case. Otherwise, the deeper the water, the longer we seem to be able to manage the treading and stay stuck.

I'm only grateful that I was already in the shallow end of the pool. My regret is that the bottom of the shallow end for me was full of sharp twigs and detritus.

I think that was my incentive to get out of the pool quick, too... laugh

I also don't think that exiting the pool is necessarily the answer for everyone. In most cases, even when we find ourselves here at a really low point, it could just be a life buoy that is required.

I'm glad to see you are in a good place for yourself. It sure feels better than the alternative, doesn't it? cool

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Spent Xmas solo in Las Vegas, and it was actually quite good to get away. W is again on the road, helping her BFF move out of her husbands house, then on to another state to visit an old boyfriend, probably the new boyfriend.

As I said, I definately hit bottom, and have no where to go but up. Not even dreading my late January court date, as I think I just want this over. Not sure I have completely exited the pool, as you say Kaffe, but I am quite close. Increasingly resigned to never seeing my W again, and slowly trying to figure out what my future looks like. I wish my W well on her Journey, and the road back is paved, but I can no longer wait at the door.

Happy holidays all. Next week is the New Year!! Gotta be better than this one!


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
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