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hello, i'm new to posting but i've been reading for several months. i'm very confused at to what to do. my husband told me in december that he wanted a divorce. we have been married 14 1/2 years. he has three children and i have one. all are adults. however, he is 9 years younger than i and his kids are younger. we have always had difficulties with how we each view his kids. they were with us every other weekend and all vacations for the first five years but i could no longer take them on vacations after that because it never seemed like a vacation to me with them along. i did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. whenever they were with us.
near the five year mark, we sought marriage counseling because we let our different feelings about the kids come between us. the counselor advised my husband that the marriage had to come first. my husband thought i was too strict with them (i expected them to brush their teeth, make their beds, and pick up their clothes and towels off the floor and that's pretty much it). my husband would reverse things with them that i had instated (no computer for the day because of fighting over it) without talking to me first. he was the good guy, i was the bad guy.
when each child's child support check stopped, their mother would move to a smaller house with one less bedroom. when the middle son got kicked out (age 19), i suggested we take him in with us. it was ok, not ideal, but he was a pretty good kid. when the youngest got kicked out, i suggested she come with us, too. shortly thereafter, the son moved out and we only had the daughter (age 20 at that time).
the daughter, who had really been my favorite of the three kids until she moved in, became very hard to live with. she was moody, sullen, ungrateful (would bring her boyfriend over and cook for him on a regular basis without any contribution to the food, would have girlfriends stay with us for days at a time, all without asking or contributing), and manipulating. her attitude was completly different when her dad was around. he would work out of town 6 months of the year and during the day when he was in town. i was retired so it was mostly her and i together.
our relationship continued to deteriorate and i wrongfully took it out on my husband. i felt trapped and did not know how to get her out since i knew he did not want to make her go. the final straw was she she pointed to her father one morning and stated loudly and firmly to me, "what's his is mine!" i finally suggested we sell the house and move back to another home we have. that's when i told him i could no longer live with her. i was very afraid he would choose her over me to live with. to my surprise, he suggested we put her up in a rental we own (kicked out a very good paying renter) and let her live there for a very small rent (to cover taxes and ins.). this is the first time she has had to pay for herself as we let her stay for free with us (even though she has an inheritance in the bank of over $10,000 and did not work for the first seven months of living with us). she is a college student and all her education is pre-paid.
she lived with us for 2 1/2 years and her brother for 2 years prior to that while he was in college. all totaled, it was 4 1/2 years of living with adult steps and i became bitter and resentful (mostly, the last year).
even after we moved back together, the damage was done to our relationship. i think my husband feels that i would never be able to have a good relationship with his kids and that they (mostly the daughter) would not want to be around me so he's giving up and "wants to be happy". he says there's no other woman.
when he told me he wanted a divorce, i lost it. i did all i was not supposed to do; beg, cry, ask for another chance. i think now that i was mainly feeling abandoned. he had always told me that if i helped him for the 11 years he had to pay child support, he would support me for the years after i retired and that he continued to work.
since i've had time to reflect, i've come to believe that i will always be in the "backseat" and he and his children will come first. he refused to go to marriage counseling because he said that the last time we went, "i had to do everything". pretty telling. he does not want to stop dealing with his marriage and kids the way he wants to do it and a MARRIAGE counselor may tell him that it would be necessary to save the relationship.
i've read DB and DR and am reading "relationship rescue" by dr. phil, plus several other books ("getting past your breakup: how to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you"). any thoughts? y'all are so very wise and patient.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Welcome to the board.

Divorce = SPACE

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


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I'm sure if you are here you want to work things out. Sounds like kids are all at age where they should be out on their own so maybe situation with them will improve. The most common advise is better YOURSELF, concentrate on yourself and not your spouse. Workout, get in shape, maybe pickup a hobby, change your look some, and spend time with friends. Engage your spouse in relationship talks only when they bring it up. Your husband does not want to be chased at this point. You don't have kids together, maybe you find out in process you would be happier with someone else or maybe it works out with him. Dragging a unwilling spouse to counselling is never really helpful.

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i'm giving him space now. he even asked for it. i'm visiting my sister in ohio and it's much easier to detach than when i'm home alone. he works out of town during the week and can come home on weekends but has chosen not to. at least here, i'm not walking on egg shells and trying to figure out what he's thinking or how to say something correctly.
i am trying to make myself a better person, one day at a time. i'm trying to have more compassion and empathy for everyone i come into contact with. it's so easy sometimes to forget that we are all in this "human race" together and all plodding along as best we think we can.

i've also started getting involved with things to take my mind off the situation. i took some ballroom dance lessons and have put all my photographs that were stored in boxes and tins into photo albums for my son to have one day. i put them all in chronological order (as best as i could) so he would have a photo history of my life, his father's, and his own after i'm gone. it's something i've been meaning to do for years.

i'm also getting out with my sister to a local jazz club (in the kroger grocery store, of all places) and that's been so much for for me and for her. it's wonderful to listen to good music and watch people having fun!

i've spiffed up my wardrobe some, too. i put off clothes purchases for a long time, trying to save money for all the things my husband wanted (houses, boats, rental properties, child support) but now i'm enjoying looking good. i lost 50 lbs. so i feel much better about myself and my appearance.

my biggest fear is returning home next week. my husband will be back from out-of-town work and i'm so afraid to be around him. it will be so unnatural. he does not initiate physical affection and that's one of my top love languages so it will be hard to not touch. his top love language is doing things together so we'll see if he initiates some of that. very scary...


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 45
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Sounds like you are off to great start! The hardest thing for the one being left (same deal with me) is accepting that can't control your spouse or your relationship, you can only control yourself.

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I have a family member who remarried and each of them had children. His W left him once b/c of his kids. I think she had to be assured that she came before his kids before she returned to the M. Years later, his kids are still awful excuses for adults, but the M lasted.

Here's the point I want to make....there were three sides that needed to realize who came first in that family relationship. Your H needed to know who he put first. His children needed to know. And, you needed to know. It seems as if you know how it should be (the H & W come first with each other), but sadly, your H does not realize he should place his W first or has chosen to make the wrong decision.

As long as he chooses to give his grown children first place in his life, he will not be the man he needs to be in a M with you (or any woman). He's passive and his kids take advantage. That puts you in the category of "bad guy" from now on. There is only one person who can change that, and he apparently doesn't want to.

Talking to him about this situation will not change his mind. He has to figure it out for himself. At some point, my family member opened his eyes and realized he was not as happy without his W as he was when she was there. At some point, he stood up to his kids and let them hear from him...not his wife, that she came first. They were shocked!

I strongly encourage you to know what you want, be realistic, and then make goals to to set about accomplishing those things.

You can be the one he wants to be with, but right now he doesn't seem to get it. What can you do to be the woman a man would fight to have her in his life?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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thanks to both of you. sandi, i'm afraid what you're saying is exactly what i've been thinking and it breaks my heart because i love my husband but if he would continue to put his adult children's happiness before ours, i can't see how we can stay together. i would be constantly afraid of saying or doing something that he would interpret as rejecting towards them. however, they've rejected me on numerous occations (don't call me on mother's day or my birthday and don't thank me, only their father, for gifts from us). my husband doesn't like it when i complain of a double standard but it's there.

i have a delemia now: his birthday is in a couple of weeks (april 6). on my birthday, he gave me an impersonal card that could have been sent to a co-worker. i told him it was sad that this card didn't say what our cards used to say (all that lovey-dovey stuff) and he let the dam break; i don't love you, i don't want to kiss you, i don't want to touch you or hug you, i only let you kiss and hug me because it makes you feel good...

we were supposed to go out to dinner but i told him that i was not hungry and got into my pajamas. well, we started have cocktails (weird, i know). me, to deaden the pain and probably him, too. we ended up dancing with each other (he loves to dance), me showing him how i learned to do the "texas two step" and we later had great sex! in fact, i was around him for about 6 weeks after the bomb and we had more sex than we've had for the past year! talk about mixed messages!

my question is this: should i get him a birthday gift and show that i'm not a vengeful person because i really like to give him gifts. should i get a card and if so, an impersonal card would seem like score keeping. or should i just say happy birthday on the morning of his birthday and get over it? i'm sure his family (mother, sisters, and kids) will probably have something for him that i'm not invited to (no one has spoken to me since the bomb). they usually go camping on the easter weekend and his birthday is on good friday this year.

i have a gift but i'm thinking of returning it, wishing him happy birthday in a nice way, and just making sure i have things to do that keep me away from the house so i'm not just sitting there being a martyr. this is all so confusing and i feel so lost. you'd think at my age, i would be so in control of my life and i'm just like a child now; wandering around, wondering if i'm making the right choices, lost and afraid.

thank you all for your input and help. God sent me here.
xoxo


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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well, i took the present back. i figured he would feel pressured to be like we were and i don't want that. in addition, i would really feel uncomfortable giving him a gift when his behavior towards me on my birthday was so cruel. it would definately be pursuing...even i can see that now.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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You did the right thing by taking the gift back to the store. In your case, I say no BD card for him.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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i'm heading home tomorrow and very apprehensive to be around my husband again. i'm afraid of taking the bait or not validating correctly. any suggestions on what i should do or say when he says:
how can i ever be happy with you again?

i don't have any dreams with you anymore!

i've listed the good and the bad about you and the bad outweighs the good.

you're evil.

i pushed my kids away for you!

statements like these aways take me by surprise and i usually end up getting defensive and trying to "correct" his memories. i know i shouldn't but i'm at a loss. i don't know how to deal with the distortions and the absolutes...
thanks for any guidance.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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