She moved out on Friday afternoon and was gone before I got home from work. It was a little weird coming home to an "empty" house. Not that she took much but it just weird to see the marks in the rug where a couch was or the empty space where a table was. She conveniently forgot a couple things so she made it a point to come back when she knew I was home. She had her coworker with her that helped her move and, in addition to it being weird for me, I could just see how uncomfortable it was for her.
Within 3 hours of her being out, she called me like 3 times about this and that and to wish me luck for the 5k I was running Saturday am. She also said if I wanted to stop by the apt afterwards I could which I found odd. She totally wants us to stay friends throughout all of this regardless of whether we work things out in our marriage or not. I don't know how I feel about that.
Her sister stopped over to check on me. She wanted to make sure I was okay and that I was taking care of myself before this race the next day. She stayed for a while, trying to wrap her head around everything herself.
The next day W texted me a whole bunch of times about the race, the cable guy being there, and stuff she needed to get done around the apt. In the last three months since I found out about OM and the wheels started falling off for us I don't think she's texted me as much as she did on Saturday. She asked if I could come by to help her with a few things and for lunch. I had to go out anyway and was going to be near there so I stopped in for a little while. I helped her with a few things and we chatted. I couldn't tell if she only wanted me there to help her or if she actually wanted to see me. In any event, I think she was uncomfortable with the cable guy there by herself so she had me stay until he was done and explained everything to her. She hugged me when I was leaving and I almost fell into old habits of going in for a kiss or whatever but I stopped myself.
She called me again later in the afternoon to thank me for coming by and that she appreciated it. They are also in the middle of planning her mom's 60th birthday party and she was talking to me about that. She said she'd call me again later that evening but I actually haven't heard from her since, just under 2 days at this point. I'm not initiating any phone calls or texts so I'm waiting for her to come to me. That's been the hardest part because in all the years we've been together we'd never go days without talking. Yesterday I was busy all day between softball and chores around the house so I was keeping myself occupied. I never realized how much doing EVERYTHING around the house on my own could take out of you. I passed out after eating dinner so I'm going to have to rethink how I manage those chores without exhausting myself.
I couldn't help but check my phone every so often to see if she reached out though. I guess that will get easier to deal with as things go on.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Good for you Hurt, it sounds like you're doing what you should, as painful as it is. Do your very best to continue to let her lead and not to initiate. Your situation will be improved by her wondering about you, which happens when you are not quite so available. Try to have some conflicts and don't pick up on the first ring. The best thing is if she calls you and hears merriment and music in the background, and you just say that you're "out". Make her wonder, that is the best thing you can do. She wants to make sure you're firmly on the shelf ready to take her back at any moment which is why she's pinging you so much, she's trying to keep you warm. Once she reassured herself that you were definitely there waiting, she's free to back off, which is what she's done.
If she wants 3 feet of distance, give her 6.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Also, try changing up your look, get a different haircut, new glasses, different clothes, whatever. If you can take your casual dress up a notch do it. Don't point it out, minimize it if she points it out. Make her wonder
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm going to be seeing her on Friday with mutual friends so I'm going to make some of change for then, probably some new clothes.
Having me on the shelf is exactly what shes looking for right now though. She just called a little while ago to check in, I actually hadn't spoken to her since Saturday save for 2 minutes yesterday when she called to see why one of her friends was asking her if she was okay.
Anyway, she wants me to go to lunch with her family on Sunday to ck
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Anyway, she wants me to go to lunch with her family on Sunday to celebrate Mothers Day. I didnt commit one way or the other so I need to sort out what I'm doing.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Now you're in a tough spot. If in the moment you told her you already had plans that would be good, because if you decided you wanted to go you could always tell her your plans had changed.
That's the point, don't be so available, don't be on the shelf. To the degree you can fill up your calendar so you really DO have plans, that's where you want to be.
Now that it's hanging out there, you should probably go, but be detached. Treat her with a friendly coworker standard and no more. Be happy and upbeat and talk about all the great stuff you've been doing. Read a newspaper in advance so you have some interesting stuff to talk about if you feel at a loss for conversation -- that always helps.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yeah, when she brought Mother's Day up I actually told her that I had something in the morning so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it so she doesn't know one way or the other what I'm doing. I think I'm going to go but like you suggested, be detached.
I've been reading a lot (DB and other books), catching up on movies that I wanted to see and TV shows I fell behind on, finding new things to do around the house, taking the dog out around town and just generally finding things to occupy my time and enjoy since she's moved out. What's funny is that when things were "good", I would enjoy the fact that I had some time to myself if she worked late one night or went to the store. It was like an hour or two here or there that I could just veg-out and just relax. Once all this started a few months ago, I hated it and those times became torture because I was constantly questioning what was really going on with her. I'm trying to get back to where I enjoy the time on my own.
One negative thing that has popped up the last couple days is that I've been struggling with putting her A and OM out of my mind right now. We decided to split our season tickets to baseball games with the separation and all. She's taking the next couple weekends because I can't go but the other day I started to wonder, is she going to take him? Is she going to use our tickets, that I bought for us to do something together and have fun, with her OM?
I don't know if she would do it and in all reality, she's on her own trying to figure out what she wants for herself. I should be focusing on the same for myself. Just getting to that point is tough, knowing at some point if things are going to work out I'm going to have to come to terms with that it happened and either I'm going to get passed it or not.
I know that's thinking a little ahead but it's something I'm very cognizant of.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Putting OM and an A out of your mind is very difficult. In many ways, you just have to have faith that time will heal that wound.
I, like you enjoyed my "alone time" until the bomb, and after that dreaded it. One thing I did was find some friends I could call when I just needed some contact -- that really helped. Before that I wasn't much of a phone person. I would say that it took about seven months after reconciliation to enjoy alone time again. You have to be able to relax and feel safe in the relationship before that occurs, and it takes a long time.
One interesting story for you -- my W likes going to a pro baseball game every once in a while, and I really don't. Last year while her EA was going on and I didn't know about it, I got the opportunity to buy two great tickets to a pro game. They were pricey, but I did it because I knew W would like it. I told her to take a friend. She invited OM! Now fortunately he couldn't go, but yes, WAS thinking can be very selfish. That kind of stuff can happen. If you kind of expect it, then it's less of a shock if it does.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So, despite everything I've been trying to change for myself, including my handling of our separation and the interactions we do have, I did quite a bit of backtracking this weekend. Sorry for the long post but for some reason I feel like I have to go through it all to give the full perspective.
So W was going to the baseball game on Saturday with our 2 tickets. Like I mentioned last week, I couldn't help but wonder if she was going with OM or if she was actually taking her friend that she said she was. So, insecure me, I tell her that I need her to do something for me and send me a picture from the game of her and her friend. I said that while we might not be ready to start working on the issues in our relationship, I did think that rebuilding some of the trust that was broken wasn't something that could happen overnight and if we were both really serious about things working out at some point it made sense. I said that even though she's told me she's not seeing anyone else, at some point I need to honestly know whether I'm being lead on more than I already have been. There isn't just a switch that goes on and off about whether I can trust her or not, and vice a versa.
Needless to say, she wasn't too thrilled about that idea. I sent it in an email so once she read it she called and texted me probably for about 20 minutes straight while I was at work. I let her stew about it for a bit and got back to her when I was free. It was a pretty heated conversation that started with her saying she was done, she was ripping up the tickets so I didn't have to worry about what she was doing, and that she was leaving her rings at the house (she was there at the time doing laundry and stuff before we were supposed to go to a friends house that night). We went back and forth for a bit. She said that she wasn't going that night and I could explain why. I basically took it all in. To this point I had been letting her off the hook with her A, not holding her to be responsible for any of it. That being the case, I told her that I felt it was important that if at some point we were going to work things out that she's got to start making things right. She can't just decide that she wants to come home and that be that.
When I started talking about the A again, she came back with that I'm always talking about what I think I know and so on. Until this point she didn't know how I knew so much about the A (I was able to see her text messages) and the levels it went to so while I've been dead-on with everything, she had been trying to make it seem that I've been assuming everything. Rather then continue that charade, I told her how I knew about her A and that she can stop thinking I'm that stupid that I'll believe everything she says. I decided that if we are going to reconcile at any point, we are going to have to deal with her A on some level. If that's going to happen, she needs to know that I know everything and be prepared to address it. And I'd much rather bring that up now when things aren't going well then potentially later when things are starting to turn for the better.
She was already furious at this point about me asking for the picture so I figured it couldn't get much worse. We argued for a few minutes longer, her talking about her privacy and me talking about trust and respect and so on. She hung up at some point I think simply because she couldn't hide anything anymore. The last thing I said before she hung up was that anything I did was in direct reaction to what she was doing. That it wasn't me breaking her trust but it was me trying to get to the bottom of her lies. Despite all that, I still wanted to through it with her and work things out.
Not even 5 minutes later she texts me that I should justify it however I want. She then asked if I meant "wanted" to work through everything as in past tense. I said no, I still feel the same way about wanting to find a way to work through everything but I'm falling hand over fist to do that and she's not even showing any signs of it from her end. She didn't want to talk about everything anymore today. She then said she would go to the friends house that night so I didn't need to answer questions about why she wasn't there, etc. I didn't respond and just took my time going home. When I got home, I could tell she was crying or upset about what had happened. I didn't mention that I noticed. I kept the conversation very cordial. I noticed she wasn't wearing her rings but I didn't say anything about it. The only thing I said was that I understood she isn't ready to start the process of working at things yet. I said that she should go to the game and have a good time. I know what I asked was a little out there but at some point I need to know where I really, honestly stand. If she can't give me that then perhaps I need to reevaluate how I'm approaching things.
We went to the friends house and had a good time. I was exhausted by the end of the night and she asked if I wanted to get going - which I did. When we got home I asked her if she wanted to come in and she did. While I took the dog out, I could see her run upstairs and go into our bedroom. She left a couple minutes later after I came back inside but as she was leaving I could see she was wearing her rings at that point.
She texted me Saturday morning about their plans for lunch on Mothers Day in case I ended up going and we talked about that briefly. I left it open ended about whether I was going to lunch or not. We started texting back and forth about everything from the previous day and how we both still needed time and space but her phone was acting up so she said we could talk tomorrow.
Yesterday I went to lunch and had good time. I actually drove myself because I couldn't leave when they were leaving to get there because of softball. After lunch she went with her mom, sister and aunt to a play while I went and did stuff with her uncle and cousins. When that was all done she came back with me and we kept the conversation light during the car ride. The only thing that came up about us was that we both agreed we still needed time and space, it has only really been a week since she moved out. I said that I know we had to see each other a couple times between now and vacation but besides that we have about 2 weeks until then so let's see how we do during that time and then try and have a good time on vacation.
That was pretty much it. So I definitely back tracked but I think it actually was kind of a good thing because I was able to get out there what I needed for her to come home as well as how I knew about the A which I had wanted to find a way to tell her. If anything, it didn't go as bad as it could have.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
