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#2245277 05/15/12 01:07 PM
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Hi all,
I've spent the better part of the past week reading stories this forum. Obviously since I'm here, my marriage is in major trouble. I'm completely, 100% heart broken right now.

My husband told me at the beginning of February that he wanted a divorce. I was completely blindsided by it. At that point he wasn't 100% sure however. We had a lot of angry/defensive words that first month. In March we started counselling. The anger subsided, but the gut wrenching hurt just increased with me hanging on to him for dear life and him withdrawing even further.

For some background info: We've been married for almost 10 years, together for 13. I'm late 30s, he's early 40s. He's always been quite emotionally distant, and I guess I didn't work hard enough to stay close to him. Of course, through all the counselling, I now realize how much of a disaster our marriage really has been for the past few years. I was in total denial about it.

Throughout two months of counselling he constantly rotated through what he thought was wrong with our marriage. The first while all he did was bring up stuff that happened years ago. He obviously hasn't forgiven me for anything I've ever said or done, no matter how minor. Stuff like the fact that I didn't want to go to a particular movie 8 years ago. Then it was about money and how I didn't work enough, then it wasn't about the money, then it was about being tied down to our animals, then it wasn't. To this day I still can't really pinpoint what he hates so much about or marriage cause it changes so often.

As far as I go, it is almost like I'd moved on already, but while still being 'married'. No other men in my life or anything, but my husband just never wanted to really participate in life, so I went on and made my own fun/life without him. I think he may suffer from depression, which runs in his family, and it's almost like I gave up on him a few years back cause I didn't want to sit around in the basement on the couch watching tv every day/night. I threw myself into my horses and competed them harder and with more success than I have in the past 30 years I've been doing it.


Among other exercises and books recommended, I have read DB, on the advice of the counsellor, and in the last week or so put it into real practice. If nothing else, at least I feel more in control of myself and my emotions.

Anyhow, this past Friday, the counsellor told me to give up and start 'dissolution' counselling rather than 'resolution'. This was after he asked my husband if he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce. My husband nodded, but never actually uttered the words, just kept nodding and agreeing with what the counsellor was asking him.

The ironic part is, that a couple days previous to this session I had already decided that I was done crying. Just done. I am so sick of feeling like my guts and heart are being physically torn from my chest and the absolute endless tears. I had decided to take back my happiness with or without him.

I had nothing to say during this last session, which of course was highly unusual and both the counsellor and husband kept looking at me for a response and seemed taken aback when I didn't give them what they were expecting. I really just had nothing new to say so I didn't say anything. They both know I want to make this marriage work, and I was sick and tired of repeating myself.

So it has been 4 days since husband decided he for sure wanted a divorce. I haven't cried, we've been civil, I've told my friends and family finally, taken down all wedding pictures cause I don't want to look at them right now, and neither of us have uttered another word about it. It's almost a relief for me, at least I know where I stand instead of being in a constant state of pergutory.

But the part that is seriously peeving me off, is how nice, civil, chatty and helpful he's suddenly being now. On Sunday he made me brunch and supper. He even joined me and a couple of friends for conversation when they were over hanging out after we got together to ride our horses. He's paying more attention to me now and I don't like it because it's like he's giving me hope when he's already guaranteed me that there is none.

At the same time he's still actively looking for a new place to live. So is it just his guilt for planning his departure that is making him act like this or is there actual hope? He did not do a single thing the counsellor suggested, so I'm wondering if he just does feel guilty that he hasn't tried to save our marriage. But I don't know that I can carry on holding on to that oh so tiny ray of hope that things might turn around. It would be a lot easier if he would just act like a jerk and let me get on with things.

Monday night he texted me and said he was going out for a beer with one of his guy friends after work. I was truly surprised at how much relief that gave me. I had been wondering all afternoon if I should offer to cook him supper or just let him fend for himself. I just don't know what to do or how to act in this situation! So when he said he wouldn't be home, it was a big weight lifted off me. I think I realized that maybe he should in fact move out, that it might be a lot easier on me. But then he comes home and I noticed that he'd worn his wedding ring to work.

I still want very, very much to make this marriage work. He's a wonderful person and I absolutely still love him, but I'm terrified to keep hoping and praying and continuing to feel so devastated. I don't want this pain to drag on anymore.

I actually woke up with a huge smile on my face this morning. Not even cause I think there's hope necessarily for this marriage. I have a big horse show this week and I've given myself permission to have fun and enjoy it. I'm also going to go get my very long hair chopped off this afternoon. I'm calling it my divorce hair. I need a change and I'm truly excited about it. I may even get a couple hot pink highlights put in wink

Anyhow, that's my story. Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcome.

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Welcome to the board.

Time to re-read LRT and put it into practice.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


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Hi Budster,

I"m sorry for your sitch -- I know how gutwrenching it can be.

Your husband simply sounds like he's acting nice out of GUILT, to me. I'm sure he genuinely cares for you, and doesn't want to see you hurt, but yet he's hurt you very deeply by what he's done. It's pretty "script" for them to want to "make sure you're going to be 'ok' with all of this."

The "re-writing of marital history," nickpicking at every flaw, even very minor ones and very long ago, is also very much SCRIPT. Are you sure there isn't someone else? It sure has a lot of the warning signs. Would it make any difference to you if there was?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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The wedding ring was on when he came in the door, but who is to say it did not just get slipped on? My W, who is acting as the quintessential WAW is still wearing her wedding ring, but has told me in no uncertain terms that she is never coming back. From this community I have learned to discount such statements, and also to stop looking at things like rings and photos as evidence of anything. Do LRT, GAL (sounds like you have a great one already) and know that this will get better. There will be good days and bad, but it will improve.


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
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^^^^^^Bump


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Hi Budster, sorry to hear about your situation.

My H (who just filed for D this week) has done many of the same things - being very nice, cooking my favorite dinner, folding my laundry, etc. over the past few weeks. Even the day he knew his attorney was going to file the papers and hadn't told me, he was talking about baking desserts with me over the weekend.

I don't have much advice to offer at this point. It sounds like you have a great headstart on GAL activities and the haircut is a great idea! Keep DB'ing and get a new C, whether MC or IC, who is pro-marriage (if that's what you want).

Letting him move out as opposed to trying to control him to stay in the house is a good first step at "dropping the rope." You can only control you, not him. However, I wouldn't recommend pushing him out.

My DB coach actually recommended keeping up all of the wedding pictures, family photos, etc. But that was as of over a month ago, pre D-filing. Not sure what she'll recommend now.

Keep posting here and you'll be off of moderation soon.

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Thanks for the replies. I didn't even realize this had been posted. I thought it got lost in moderation land....

UKVA - I know he is still wearing his ring because his boss's wife happens to be a really good friend of mine. It's a huge company, and we met at a company party a few years ago, before our Hs worked in the same department, and hit it off. H's boss commented on it to her that he was still wearing it.

I don't know what else to say. I can't say for sure there isn't someone else in his life but I don't think so. Apparently his boss hasn't seen or heard anything, but I'm sure he'll be keeping his eyes open for it now.

Since my OP, we've only really talked once. Otherwise it's still cordial and all. I do accept that he needs to leave at this time, for MY sanity. While we aren't fighting or anything, the pressure and tension in the house is absolutely horrible. I wonder if maybe I am starting to experience the same feelings of pressure that are causing him to walk away.

He is planning to leave at the end of the month. It's only a week away, but it feels like forever right now. I wish he could move sooner.

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H was out looking at apartments again last night. I have no idea if he found one or not. I'm sure he's terrified to tell me if he did. I did commute in with him yesterday morning and calmly asked him how the house hunt was going. He said not good really fast and changed the subject. He's still wearing his ring, I'm still not. So nothing has really changed.

I'm still having a lot of mini break downs, but they're only every 10 minutes, not every five now so I guess that's progress LOL.

I was planning on taking my horses to a show next weekend. I seriously doubted this decision for a while and told him so, but then decided that I would need the distraction in a big way while he is moving out so I told him if he needed the truck to move he could have it when I get home with the horses and I'd help him load stuff if he needed.

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Originally Posted By: Budster
To this day I still can't really pinpoint what he hates so much about or marriage cause it changes so often.


Hi Budster,

Sorry you are here. I felt the same way, that my W's reasons for leaving kept changing.. I think that happens a lot.

I think they are trying to find some rational way to explain their feelings and justify their actions. Some wise vets told me to try and figure out what was true in the complaints my W had, in order to work on myself. That advice has helped me figure out areas in which I needed to grow.

I love that you are going away to the horse show. Congrats on taking care of yourself, and I hope you love your new haircut!


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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