Can she do anything else to me???

[In-PAIN]

For the last 10 years I’ve been in a relationship with a woman that I was sure I was meant to be with. We met under unconventional circumstances but were immediately attracted to each other. I lived in North Carolina and she in DC at the time. I would drive up to visit her often using my last money to see her but I felt a connection with her that was simply irresistible. Because of the distance, we could never really get things off the ground, but three years later, she came to visit me and stayed in North Carolina. We had such a good time we were so good for each other. She was nurturing which I needed, and I made her feel safe – which is what she needed. We were best friends. I can’t imagine a couple being closer. I felt like I knew her soul. In a way I still feel that I;m the only person that truly knows her. I felt that there was nothing we couldn’t conquer together. She’s always been there for me no matter what …and I her. It’s because of our bond that makes our separation infinitely more painful. Although we had our spats they NEVER lasted and they were extremely rare. We never went to bed angry. It was painful to be away from each other when we had to be. She’s originally from Cleveland, OH so she visits fairly often. For the last 10 years of my life I’ve been consumed with trying to make sure that our future is a bright one. I’ve often had 2-3 jobs at once to make sure things went smoothly financially for us. Things began to go badly for me financially over the last two years. I’ve lost jobs, agencies that I’ve been employed with have closed and we had to depend on her mother to help us financially. Our spats began to increase a bit. I decided to go back to school to earn a doctoral level degree so that I could make more money for the family. My going to school out of the state had me away from home 2 nights each week.

Three weeks ago, she sent me a text while I was in DC (for school) stating that she didn’t feel like she could forgive me for “leaving her” to go to school. She said that while I was away our financial situation became desperate. I have so many regrets on how I handled our financial situation over the past two years. Looking back I feel like I could’ve done more to improve our situation. I agreed to be the “bread winner” early in our relationship and my ex was asked to stay home and care for our child. We have a 7 year old little girl that I love more than anything and I feel like I failed her. I feel like I failed her because she won’t grow up in a two parent home. She won’t “know” me like she should. I feel like I’m going to miss out on my daughter’s life and I can’t see where I did anything in my relationship that would warrant such a drastic change in my ex.

Over the course of 3 weeks my ex has informed me that she feels that I am the most selfish person she’s ever met. She feels that I’ve been pretty useless in our relationship for a number of reasons. Statements like “I can count on my hand how many baths you’ve given our daughter in her life”. Within these last 3 weeks, I’ve been told that I’ve never provided sufficiently for my family, that she’s not attracted to me “like that” anymore, that she only sees me as a friend, that I’ve never been a good parent and that she has cared for our child 95% of our child’s life, that she cannot understand why I didn’t see this coming, I’m criticized for putting the dishes away improperly, not dressing our daughter correctly for school, my ex received flowers from someone other than me on Mother’s Day (she said they were from her mother – yet in the 10 years that we’ve been together her mother has NEVER sent her flowers), I found nude pictures and explicit videos of my ex on our computer where she has emailed them out to her old ex-boyfriend (who I found out today is now her “boyfriend” – she called me at work today to tell me that she changed her “Facebook” status and that she’s now “in a relationship”). I’ve also been relocated to the spare bedroom of our house, and expected to move out permanently as soon as possible ….I’m certain I’ve forgotten something but all of this is with me still living in our house. I feel like she’s tormenting me on purpose and I can’t understand how we went from being a loving strong couple to her behaving as if she hates me.

I’m so hurt. She says that there’s no way our relationship can be repaired and with everything that’s happened why do I hurt so badly and want nothing more than to have my family back. She has plans to move to Cleveland next year and take our daughter with her (which is also where this other guy lives). I can’t imagine how I could recover from this even if she wanted me back. I’m in so much pain, I can’t stop crying and I’m unable to function at work. Because of all this pain I feel like I’m starting to hate her for what she’s doing to me and to our family. …Yet even with all that’s happened, I love her and I want to save my marriage because I feel like she’s just lost right now and that she’s upset about how badly our finances suffered this past year. I feel so incredibly stupid for wanting her but just “yesterday” we were so happy but today she acts as if she hates me and wants me gone. How do you recover from something as drastic as this? I really need some kind words.

[UKVA]

First, do not move out of the house. If she wants the relationship to end, make her go.

Second, consult a family law attorney if she shows any signs of relocating your daughter to another state.

Third, detach. I know from bitter experience this will be tough, but for your sanity and self esteem it is essential. Please do not chase her right now.

Fourth, get a copy of Divorce Remedy and read it for yourself. Do not share anything you read with her. Practice the LRT you will find in there. Also try to ascertain where YOU may have contributed to this situation, unlearn the old habits and learn new positive ones.

Fifth, work on yourself, because you cannot control what she is doing, nor should you try. Become someone only a fool would leave.

I will find and post the "37 Rules" that you shoudl make part of your life. Focus on yourself and your daughter, right now she needs you to be the best Dad possible.

[UKVA]

Practice these rules to survive and create hope.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[UKVA]

Oh, and 1 more thing. The history revision? Very typical. I have a WAW who thinks the last 10 years have been hell for her, and obviously I remember it differently. The truth is somewhere in between. You just have to understand that in order to justify what she is doing, anger at you and history revision are ESSENTIAL otherwise why would she cause all this pain?

Post often and in shorter bursts until you get off moderation (about 2 weeks) and be patient.

Good Luck!

[JustStunned]

IP: welcome to the board. You are in moderation right now. You will remain in moderation until the moderators determine otherwise. Read other threads to gain insight and make short posts to build trust in this community. You are joining a community.

You have a copy of the 37 guidelines use them. UKVA has given you some good advice and some of the vets will chime in from time to time. As JBANTI has stated many time this is a Ultra Marathon, use your time wisely.

Work on those things you can control, yourself and your actions. Read and absorb as much as possible to understand your situation and what you can do to change it. Changes must come to you through you. This will very likely become a journey of self improvement leading to permanent changes in you, hopefully showing you are the man she’d be a fool to leave. Along that line of thinking do not wave your changes under her nose for her to see. To be real she’ll need to discover them or herself. Rule 34.

Get a copy of DR and read it.

Brace yourself. My initial impression of your former relationship is one of co-dependence. Mine was. A few of the resources that helped me were the detachment and boundary pages on the livestrong site. Google those. I also found Co Dependent No More, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and No More Mr. Nice Guy pertinent reads for my sitch.