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adinva Offline OP
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Hi - I was going to title this Hoping 5 but I'm not as passive as when I started here, and I'm not hoping, I'm living. Actively but without expectations of my WAH.

Here's a link to my last thread, Hoping 4:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2229178#Post2229178

I want to start with a topic about what these forums mean to me, with a quote from Mindful. Will be back in a sec.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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adinva Offline OP
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Mindful wrote to Autumn Leaves a pet peeve about the DB Forums that I wanted to discuss more. I obviously disagree but Mindful is more than entitled to an opinion. But I see so much value here, it's almost literally saved my life, and it's no cheering section for me. I want to speak out for what it is for me and what I want and need from it.

Quote:
These boards are a great resource for a fan club.

The minute the fan club becomes a "reach out and help desk" and they, themselves, haven't turned around their own life... And, gotten out of limbo... I'm less than impressed.

DB has COACHES that can offer (fairly) learned advice.
The DB board has veterans that have turned their own lives around w/and without their marriages.
The DB board does NOT need a bunch of limbo wading members offering advice...

Cheering and supporting is great.


First of all, this is an amazing marketing tool for MWD to whom I'm so grateful for her book, her approach to marriages in trouble, and this free community. But it is clearly a marketing tool for coaching, which by all accounts is great and worth the money, and books which are also great. Good job, marketing a great set of products and ideas. But it has grown beyond that, thankfully, to a truly useful support community for people going through the most awful experience they can imagine. It's gone beyond the marketing and helps so many people save themselves if not their marriages.

For me, I don't think I can afford the phone counseling right now, and I have an IRL counselor I value and get invaluable help and human connection from. I bought the book DR solely because of this forum, and loved it. I was honored to get help from some vets long ago and occasionally since, and just one post set me off on a journey I felt was the right one. (BTW a canned post, and thank you 25 for it, I can never repay that except by helping others in return.)

But the vets have only so much time and attention. I have begun to get more value from the sounding board here, literally hundreds of people going through what I'm going through! I've known now too many friends and family who've gone through divorce and they -all- talked about their sitch as if it were unique and I'd never understand. They did crappy things back and forth with their exes, they suffered extreme pain, they muddled through. I'm not. I know now how common my sitch is, no even how mild it is compared with many others here. I've hit others with 2x4s I learned here, and oh boy I've been hit too.

I've opened myself up to hear truth, opinion, facts, thoughts, and questions. I need it. I'm like a diamond in the rough and I need some rough treatment to really improve.

I don't want a cheering section. I have one. My mom, my friends at home, my dogs, untold numbers of people can say I deserve better, I'll find someone better, H [censored]. I need to hear someone tell me when he's right. And I listen here with fewer defenses than anywhere else because I have NOTHING to prove to any of you.

Don't cheer me on but tell me what you think. I'm smart enough to sift through and take what I need. I hope you will be too because I'm going to tell you what I think in your thread. I'm going to project my sitch and tell you what I learned, because it's all I can do.

Yes, I'm wading in limbo, but I'm wading with you and we'll find a way through, with MWD ideas to guide us to become better people. I haven't solved my sitch, but that doesn't disqualify me from providing value here. 18 years ago I got married, over 14 months ago my H completely stopped ML with me, 12 months ago he got a vasectomy, 10 months ago he said he was done and we'd get a divorce asap, 9 months ago I started committing 2-3 hours per day to reading these forums, studying marriage books, and seeing a therapist. I've never worked harder at anything in my life before than to understand what's happening, how I got here, and what I can do about it. I know a thing or two.

And if I see someone 15 years younger than me who's been married a few years and has toddlers, or God help me 25 years younger than me and no kids, I have life experience to share with them. If I see someone who's been married 10 years longer than me or their kids are grown, they have life experience I want to share. And someone who got here yesterday can teach me something I'll listen to. Please don't tell them to be my cheering section.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Hey, ad...

I am a person who stands strong in tolerance... Sometimes... I fail... and I revert to judgement... as often as possible... I work through that judgement and come to a place of tolerance, again...

We will go through our time here... in our sitches... and learn much and grow as best we can... become better people... regardless of the results...

I do believe I understand the positions that are being expressed in the thread that you mention, above.

We will read threads and something will trigger in us...

For me, regarding the thread in question, is because I still remember very clearly what it felt like, when I found out mutual friends were telling my W how I was not M material... that she deserved better... that I had not stepped up and taken responsibility in the family... taken care of her needs... etc, etc...

How my W was told be well meaning friends... that she deserved better...

And I got angry...

I got REALLY, REALLY angry...

Because who is anyone... ANYONE... to tell my W... that her H is useless... that she should move on because people don't change...

because I knew different...

And we see the results of that here, every day... people DO change...

But...

That's MY problem... that was MY trigger... and I reverted and reacted... and I can move beyond that... back to tolerance...

I believe that we all have great intentions and wish to support others who are here. In the best way we know how.

I agree with you. I do not want a cheering section on my side. I want someone to challenge me. I want someone to punch me in the head and then take me for a beer when I'm being stupid... grin

Be well! cool

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i agree. i come here to be a better person. everyone on here helps me to be that way. they don't always know it because they do it by putting their stories on here, not directly talking to me (maybe sometimes it's direct) but by letting me into their lives and letting me see how they handle things. i learn from all of you and i thank you from the bottom of my heart.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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adinva Offline OP
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KD I'm a reader and a writer, and I believe in the power of words. I believe in this forum. If everyone here told one person to give up and divorce their spouse, it would still be up to that one person to use their brain and do what is right for them. It was your wife's fault, not her friends', for discounting your ability to change.

I chose the DB forum specifically, after an abominable foray into iVillage, because the foundation of improving yourself is a win-win that can't be disputed. All the details vary to the posters here, but in the mix of commentary and the general focus on strengthening the individual, you come out with enough good material to take valuable help from.

I defend your right to tell AL what you believe from your experience,
I defend Mindfull's right to tell everyone you're full of [censored] - not that she did or anything,
And I claim the right to tell Mindfull that she is.
And her right not to join that conversation.
And so on.

And in the mix of all of it, smart people will take what they need AND will be responsible for what they take.

I'd buy you that beer but you're not stupid.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Great post AD. You have come along way. And I'm gonna cheer cause I feel like it. K


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: adinva
KD I'm a reader and a writer, and I believe in the power of words. I believe in this forum. If everyone here told one person to give up and divorce their spouse, it would still be up to that one person to use their brain and do what is right for them. It was your wife's fault, not her friends', for discounting your ability to change.

I chose the DB forum specifically, after an abominable foray into iVillage, because the foundation of improving yourself is a win-win that can't be disputed. All the details vary to the posters here, but in the mix of commentary and the general focus on strengthening the individual, you come out with enough good material to take valuable help from.

I defend your right to tell AL what you believe from your experience,
I defend Mindfull's right to tell everyone you're full of [censored] - not that she did or anything,
And I claim the right to tell Mindfull that she is.
And her right not to join that conversation.
And so on.

And in the mix of all of it, smart people will take what they need AND will be responsible for what they take.

I'd buy you that beer but you're not stupid.



whistle whistle whistle whistle


Where's the "Like" button?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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lol...

Dangit! I was soooo looking forward to that beer... grin

So...

How are you feeling now, ad?

smile

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I like this site and sometimes I offer my two cents. It was good to see that my M was like others, some were able to be saved and others were not.

It has helped me become a better person.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
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adinva Offline OP
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I feel like if I spend any more time here today I'm going to become unemployed.

I feel like I'm going to be served divorce papers in exactly two months.

I feel like it won't kill me. It might free me.

I feel grateful that I have friends and nonfriends who speak their truth to me here.

I feel imperfect and humbled by this forum.

I feel like if life was fair my H would have been the man I thought he was and I wouldn't be facing single parenthood, but then life is definitely not fair.

Hey Sad I've seen you offer support and comfort to other people here. Keep it up. Thanks.

Have a good day y'all, and thanks so much for visiting my new thread.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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