I stumbled on this website and immediately bought the book and read it in 1 day! My husband and I have a 3 month old baby and a 5 year old. When the new baby was three weeks old he told me that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore, it was too much pressure with work and having kids and a house, he's tired of making joint decisions, he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore and he thinks he just wants to be alone and focus on his career. Through my whole second pregancy he shut down, I could tell something was wrong but he wouldn't say... just kept saying it wasn't the right time to talk about it. We haven't had sex in a year.
We have been married for 7 years but were basically high school sweethearts and were together for 10 years before getting married with a few breaks here and there. Our marriage has had a lot of difficult things to deal with... oldest child has special needs, my family living far away, my husband had a pretty significant binge drinking problem, he had an emotional affair a few years ago, busy hectic lives from working and graduate school, financial difficulties, but we have gone to therapy several times and the last time we went, about 2 years ago, it seemed to help a lot. Things were going great, I had worked through a lot of my anger from his drinking and the emotional affair. He's saying now he's just tired of trying and doesn't see any hope anymore. We can't really afford for him to move out and get an apartment, we were stretched thin as is with mortgage, cars, tuition for our daughter who goes to a special needs school and daycare for the new baby, so he would probably have to move back with his parents or other relatives. He is saying there is no other woman, and that he has no intention or desire to leave and start looking for another relationship.
He has pretty much stopped talking to me. He can hardly spend more than 5 minutes alone in a room with me. Just about all communications are through text message even if we are at home together. He feels guilty and embarassed about wanting to end the relationship and has not told anyone in his family but his parents, that he is planning on leaving, and I had to convince him to tell them. I don't even think he has told his friends. We have a lot of mutual friends from being together so long. He sleeps in another room and we haven't had sex since we conceived the 3 month old. He always goes into periods where we would not have sex, sometimes lasting months, but this is probably the longest.
In my heart I don't really believe that he doesn't love me anymore or that he would be happier being 35, not seeing his kids everyday and living in his old bedroom at his parents house. I have tons of letters and emails from him from a couple years ago when we were in therapy after his drinking binges got worse and he had that emotional affair, basically saying how much he loves me, our family, our daughter and how he was so happy that I took him back and how much therapy was helpful and how committed he is to our marriage. So unless all those emails and letters were lies, which I don't think they were.
I read DB and I have a good understanding now of what I have done to contribute to our patterns. But I don't know what else to do. Is this a mid life crisis? Is he really not in love anymore? I don't want to give up but he is telling me he's made his decision.
I would suggest you also read the DR book. Also you can checkout the resources on the MLC board.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Can you share a bit more about what you feel his perspective is?
From his behavior in your description, it would seem that he feels hopelessly trapped. He tried to escape via an EA, and tried to escape again via binge drinking. What is it that he's running from?
How long have things been difficult?
Can you remember a time when he was truly happy? What did that look like? What's different now?
What role do you feel you have played in your marriage difficulties?
Have you tried to initiate sex and he has refused, or have you just observed that he hasn't tried to initiate in 13 months? Have you discussed sex, and what does he say?
More details please!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
His long term complaints are: - he is basically a good guy and I don't give him enough credit - he gets a lot of respect in the community and at work and I don't appreciate him as much as people 'out there' do - once when we broke up before we were married I got pregnant by another guy I dated and had an abortion. He still mentions this frequently, because we were high school sweethearts he feels he should have been the first man to get me pregnant? Idk I still don't fully understand that. I had a miscarriage before we had our 2 kids and he blames me and the abortion for that - my parents moved across the country early in our relationship and we were young but he felt responsible for me and I guess missed out on some things, even though we had a long distance relationship for 3 years and many break ups, I guess he still felt some attachment to me - that I didnt do enough housework - that I'm jealous of his friends and friendships
I haven't tried to initiate sex in the past year was pregnant and sick and didn't feel sexy at all. I'm sure he could tell. But this has been an issue in our relationship since we got married. We both have trouble being the initiator so. It's so dysfunctional and sad.
He drank our whole marriage and that took a toll on me. He got a DUI and totaled my car. I had a LOT of anger from that. Also I was in school getting a doctorate and I was a little resentful of going to school, working 2 jobs and then still havin to be the one to organize doctors appts and services for my daughter, cook and clean AND initiate sex. I thought I should have at least got the sex for free lol. So I wasn't always pleasant or compassionate or supportive about his issues or concerns. I did not always act lovingly. I know I put more into school and our daughter than into the marriage. I was so hurt that i didn't respond well to his efforts to fix things after thr EA.Things have been difficult for a long time, since I was pregnant with my first. After she was diagnosed things went downhill fast. We argued all the time. We haven't been arguing much at all through this recent thing though. After the EA when we went to therapy for the third time, we had a great year after that. She really helped us a lot with everything. There was something about this second baby that triggered something because we were doing really well before.
I actually bought the other book Monday but it hasn't arrived yet. I've been doing some of the things outlined in DB and they are actually working somewhat.
Thank you! I have definitely been giving him lots of space. And after moping around depressed for the past 2 months I have been trying to GAL. It's hard with a new baby but I'm trying. I ordered DR earlier in the week. It should be here soon.
