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#2236678 04/10/12 02:24 AM
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zig Offline OP
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oops, i guess my previous thread got locked. sorry mods, for being so lax.

i've changed the title of my thread - it's not anymore about being on the right or wrong track - it's just the road i'm on now, and i'm okay with where it goes - well, most of the time (grin)

here's the link to my previous thread
www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2236613&page=1


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Glad you had a good session with your IC. Your approach seemed to spark some good conversation.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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thanks ces. it helped a lot to read your post before going there


journaling:

feeling just a slight bit low tonight - had s all evening until 9 when h picked him up.
s stayed sort of detached from me for the whole evening, didn't want any physical contact and could barely get a hug out of him

i could sense really strongly that he was doing that because he finds it too painful to leave so late in the evening, and i just felt that he had decided it was better to detach himself rather than come to me, cuddle be close and then have to leave.

i let him be and instead of letting him go off to his room, as he usually does to read i suggested we go in the back yard and he could read on a blanket in the grass while i got one of the vegetable beds ready to plant. couldn't engage him at all but finally managed to talk him into coming and putting the seeds in, which was a sweet moment.

h came in and i didn't realize that he was in a bad mood - or really tired. we had the chanting on pretty loud and he sort of exploded and muted it. i was trying to talk to him about something to do with the taxes..

oh well - i wasn't focusing on him and more on just telling him something and not sensitive to the fact that he'd had a long day. he'd just had a 13 hr day. when he walked in he seemed pretty relaxed and cheerful, so i didn't read him right.

they both left in a bit of a huff it seemed. and i felt a bit sad and lonely after that.

there is sometimes so much pressure to get everything "right" , but maybe now,the only thing i really have the energy to do is just stay calm and not react much and keep being pleasant so as not to aggravate the situation any further


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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zig, I think you're right, I know I fare the best when Ikeep my eye on my goals, stay away from expectations and manage my reactivity.

It's good that you honored your S's emotions and gave him space. I'm guilty of many times wanting to "make it all better" and interfering with their process. He knows you are there and will listen when he needs it.

(((Z)))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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thanks labug and ((( ))) to you too on this fine morning:)

we are the "fixers" aren't we, and i'm beginning to realize that that's what got me into trouble - always trying to fix things around me. now i have to figure out how to step back and allow both h and s to fix their own stuff. my trying to fix things doesn't allow them to make their own efforts and takes the focus away from what i need to focus on within myself

it's more obvious in terms of h, but when it comes to s, i have no clue - is it better to let him be - that could come across as indifference (or am i worried it will) and where's the line between giving space and knowing he needs help?

thinking a lot about what Kaffe diem wrote about the double bind stuff and seeing how i participated. it's still a blurry area how to tackle the whole thing but i'm taking it one step at a time. wondering if i do it with s too.

in my sitch there is so much contact - which i used to always be upset about - but now finally ,like pema talks about, i am reframing that and taking each moment as a "juicy" opportunity to test and challenge myself and find out more about who and what i am

since yesterday thinking a lot about what she wrote in her first book - each person is in the middle of their sacred circle and what ever enters your circle is there to teach you something....


we go see the child counselor together this morning


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Hey Zig,

Not sure how similar this is but I've struggled with my D who's 10. I've felt that she has really pulled away from me over the past several months and I attribute it to her mimicing the behaviors of her mom. Not sure if that's true or not but its how I interpret it.

D10 has not been interested in talking, hugging, etc. I decided to not push the actions. If she does not want a hug, then that is her choice. However, I make it a point to tell her I love you and give a small kiss at bed-time or whenever appropriate. I take opportunities to offer engagement with her and as with my M, let go of expectations. She just has to know I'm there for her.

It seems to be working because in the past few weeks, D10 has started re-engaging with me in several ways and showing affection again on her own terms.

Hang in there. Just let your S10 know you are available. He'll come around and may even open up and talk about what he's feeling when the time is right.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
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Good Morning Zig!

I think for me, I try to let the kids lead the conversation. S14 doesn't really want to talk, D10 wants to talk ad nauseum, and D8 has nightmares and cries a lot. So, as things come up we try to discuss it. (H is not included in these conversations.) I talk to the kids on their level and at their time. You can tell when they start changing topics to something completely unrelated they're done talking about the situation. It takes lots of conversations to get to the meat of the issue, but that makes it easier in a way. You can adjust what you're saying from one conversation to the next to tailor it to what your son said the last time.

I hope that helps!

{{{Hugs}}}


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
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It's so hard not to ask "Are you OK?" "Is anything bothering you?" "Want to talk?" "Are you angry?"

But that will shut them down quicker than anything.

He knows you're there.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I love the juicy!

As I was sitting talking to H on Sunday, it was exciting for me, the opportunities to be the new me, the real me. He said things and my old automatic, controlling, judgmental response would begin to surface bu then, because I am now in control of MY emotions, I could think "Not my problem."

Wow, was it freeing to let another person his their life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Posts: 4,866
Everyone has "fixer" in them. The people who come here... they have chosen to go into "fixer" mode specifically around their M...

But it does not necessarily mean that they would go out in the world and look for people who have problems and fix those problems for those people...

Do you want to solve OTHER peoples problems... or do you want to solve YOUR problems...?

Trying to "fix" your H's problems by asking him how he is... are you really trying to fix HIM... or are you really trying to fix YOUR problem by finding what is bothering him, and conforming or otherwise changing to meet his expectations?

so that YOU don't have a problem M or R, anymore...?

That can get you into a double bind faster than you can say... SQUIRREL...!

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