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#2236942 04/10/12 08:55 PM
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New thread time. Below are the links to my old threads:

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Thread 1

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Before getting started, I wanted to follow up on a few comments from my last thread.


Originally Posted By: bustorama
Re: the C -- you can't control what the C says or does, and I know it [censored] to hear those sorts of things. I heard similar. In fact, I remember my W relating to me how her C told her in these words, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THAT TOXIC ENVIRONMENT WITH YOUR H. IT IS SO UNHEALTHY FOR BOTH OF YOU TO BE THERE. YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT **NOW**, WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN MOVED OUT WEEKS AGO. This was early in our sitch (just after the bomb and in the month before she moved out).

My W's C was TOTALLY validating how my W felt -- that she needed to get away from her H, that I was the source of her misery. And the toxic environment she was referring to was me trying to influence my W to stay, through various acts of pursuit, giving, offers, melty man. She was indubitably on my W's side (and I was not).

I saw my W's C as "the enemy" and if I could control who she was seeing as C, perhaps things might be better. Luckily, I addressed my anxiety about this (which is what is the real issue now with you 2pac) instead of trying to act on it. One day, her C told me to give my W space (I was in the waiting room to see my own C), to GIVE HER ALL THE SPACE SHE NEEDED and that she was "pulling for each of us." I was very confused to hear this based on what my W had told me, and I thought I was giving her all kinds of space at that time, not calling her, etc.. When, in reality, I was still pursuing in my actions when I did see her, in "acts of service", "giving", etc.


This ^^^^ was so helpful to read! I really was feeling like the air had been sucked out of my lungs.

Originally Posted By: bustorama
It was when I genuinely gave my W ALL THE SPACE she was asking for that my W really could begin to heal and view how life without Busto might be and whether that was what she truly wanted. Perhaps it is in your case, perhaps not.

I saw my W's old C in the waiting room of the office earlier this week while I was dropping off my D6 for a therapy session (D6 is resolving some anxiety issues that arose from our separation). The C gave me a huge hug and said how happy she was that we had come back together, that we each had needed space to heal and grow.

Your W's C might not be coming from this place, but I would say that the current dynamic is not healthy for either of you.


You are probably right, Busto. I saw the note and really panicked...thought, this was the end, etc.

=========================================

Originally Posted By: Mach1
It's not the caring part that does you in. It is the expectations that you place on what you do, that does you in. I think you are still expecting her to change, based on what you do today. In actuality, it is what you consistently do today, that can slowly change her mind. With each today, it gives you hope of the future, not a promise of the future.

The counselor? There is nothing you can do about it. That is her choice, and you should honor it. Any attempt to change that would be viewed as manipulative on your part. Would you rather have her choose to come home ? Or feel she has to come home....


Really good perspective, Mach! And to answer your question, I'd rather have her choose to come home...

Originally Posted By: Mach1
The only guarantee I can make you, is that in a few years, this will all be over for you....one way or another. And that you will be a Father , and a man that is capable of being a loving partner. A man that makes great decisions, and has the self awareness to allow his partner to find their way in life. So that they can walk beside you...not in front, or behind you.

Ask any woman if she would like that....


Love this ^^^^!!! What a great way to look at things! But a few years!?!?!? Ugh!

===============================

So I've been feeling like I am living in limbo and need to do something different. Everything I've done up to this point has helped to stabilize my mind set (with a few exceptions ^^^^^) and slow down the march towards divorce. I've had time to consider and implement 180's that were needed in my life and due to my W's illness, I've also been able to demonstrate acts of service that might otherwise not have been possible.

Yet, here I am still separated from my W, still uncertain of my future and feeling like I've driven my self into a ditch and am just spinning my wheels.

I have been getting advice from elsewhere that if I really want to move things along and save my M then I should move back in to the house, demand full transparency and if my W refuses, ask her to leave, regardless of her medical condition.

I am really having a hard time coming to terms with this approach. Intellectually, I see how this may be helpful and even necessary but I just can't see making this happen. Maybe it is fear...probably it is fear!

Ideas anyone?

==================================

In the past week some interesting things have been happening with my W. First, I was finally able to get her Dr. and her disability people together to review her case and lo and behold, her disability has been extended through May 31st. That came as a tremendous relief to my W who broke down in tears when I gave her the good news. She was preparing to go back to work yesterday even though she did not feel like she was ready. So now she has breathing room.

Last week, W suggested we take the boys to a hockey game. It was too late to get the tickets so we made a rain check for a different day. Then she suggested we do something as a family on Easter Sunday. We ended up going to see a movie. Oh, and she made me a small Easter basket!

I told her that next Saturday I was going to help family friends watch their kids while they attend a wedding and she offered to help me watch the kids.

This morning W and S13 were getting into it over his laziness related to turning in school assignments on time. I ended up having to lay down the law with him before he left for school. w texts me later apologizing for this morning. confused

Finally, I stopped cleaning up the dirty dishes or taking out the trash...until this morning that is, when W asked me if I wouldn't mind helping her take the trash out to the bin. grin


Me51 W53 S17 S14
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No Way?!?!?!


Me 57/H 58
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Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: 2thepoint


I have been getting advice from elsewhere that if I really want to move things along and save my M then I should move back in to the house, demand full transparency and if my W refuses, ask her to leave, regardless of her medical condition.

I am really having a hard time coming to terms with this approach. Intellectually, I see how this may be helpful and even necessary but I just can't see making this happen. Maybe it is fear...probably it is fear!

Ideas anyone?



Yes. Lose the fear. That, and do something different from what you've been doing so far, because it's not working.

What do you have to lose by trying? confused


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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You will do things when you are ready. Its good that you can see that there is another way to handle your sitch but you are doing the best you can. You should give yourself a lot of credit. There is no right way.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
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Left 7/11/11
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There are a couple of quick paths out of limboville when you lose the fear and are ready.

One is that you walk away from it yourself while YOU drop the BOMB on HER (flip the sitch), holding onto your NUTS about what you need from a W in a marriage.

"W, this separation situation isn't working for me anymore. I enjoy spending time with you when we are together, but I want more [commitment, love, time together, investment in our M, whatever] from my W than you are giving me. I'm not ok with going on like this anymore, so I will file for D. Can you please pass on your attorney's name to me? We can be good co-parents to our S together and maybe even friends after things settle down."

The other is you walk back into the fray, also holding on to your NUTS about what is acceptable behavior to you from your W, while pulling the RobX I mentioned to you before.

"W, I have decided to move back into the family home and master bedroom. This separation situation isn't working for me anymore.
I am not ok with being in a M where we aren't [connecting, commmited to each other, loving, spending time together, investing in our M, whatever] or with being outside my family home. I am also not ok with sharing my W another M while she tests the waters. If you want to carry on with him, then it is time that you move out of the family home. I will help you pack your things if that is what you want."

(and if she says she wants to stay and work on things with you, you lay out the conditions that are essential to you to feel safe moving forward with her [transparency at minimum, probably also M therapist]. If she's not ok with them, then say, sorry, W, that doesn't work for me given the situation.

Lose the fear, and you lose the limbo.


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Funny about the trash.

Both of the above scenarios, btw, are about enforcing your boundaries concerning M (the type of M and spousal behavior that you are ok with). It is a beautiful day when you lose the fear about enforcing your non-negotiable boundaries.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
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Originally Posted By: bustorama

Both of the above scenarios, btw, are about enforcing your boundaries concerning M (the type of M and spousal behavior that you are ok with). It is a beautiful day when you lose the fear about enforcing your non-negotiable boundaries.


It's true, once I was strong enough to do this and lose the fear, it was a world of difference for me. He may still be struggling and in limbo but I feel detached and strong. Best of luck as you move forward.


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Can't believe u took the trash out 2, lol


Me- 34 W-33
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Bomb- 6-2011
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"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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If you do as Busto suggested above are you prepared to deal with her saying no to your requests and accepting the divorce at this time?

I feel like I need to change some things up as well since I know pursuing hasn't worked but neither has me going dim. I don't feel like it's time yet for me to give her this type of ultimatum as I still feel like I need to give her time or space.

Not much advice for you but I share in your frustrations of limbo-land.


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Yes. Lose the fear. That, and do something different from what you've been doing so far, because it's not working.

What do you have to lose by trying? confused

Starsky


Starsky - that ^^^ is what I fear...the unknown or the possibility of seeing things through to D. I know, I may be headed there regardless. I want out of limbo but will I necessarily land in a better place. This is what I fear I guess.

Originally Posted By: bustorama
Lose the fear, and you lose the limbo.


I know this to be true, but....

I'm reminded of a time when I was maybe 15 years old. Some buddies of mine and I went for a hike up a canyon above Sierra Madre in California. We came upon this 10 foot deep pool of water fed by a waterfall 35 feet high. To get past the waterfall you had to swim to the base and climb a rope that was hanging down the face of the waterfall. Easy enough! We all did that.

However, getting down was an entirely different proposition. Climbing down was a challenge and the easiest and most fun way was obviously to just jump. All of my buddies made the jump without incident but I couldn't do it. And the longer I thought about it, the harder it was and the more frightened I became. It took me over 30 minutes to finally get up the courage to jump.

This is the same fear I think I am experiencing today. The only difference is when I was 15 I didn't really know any better (i.e. reckless abandon) and yet I was still afraid! I am lot older now and fear has more consequences because it is accompanied by knowledge and experience.

I know I just need to jump.



I know what you are saying...

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