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dearme Offline OP
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My original post, now locked:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2180599&page=1

My wife had another independent counseling session yesterday morning, which she discussed with me last night. She said they got on the topic of her childhood, and that my wife realized that going back as far as 2nd grade, she's always been "obsessed", for lack of a better word, with being liked by the "right" people, being part of the "right" social group, and the "right" guys. So she would stuff her true feelings, her opinions on things, her thoughts...she would deny any and everything about herself if she thought it conflicted with what the "right" people/guys wanted. The message she internalized growing up was that she wasn't good enough, that all of her validation and self-worth came from external sources...from other people, and that she found herself at the age of 34 incapable of loving herself because she didn't feel worthy of it. Her whole life before me, she said, has just been a string of boyfriends, one after the other with no down-time in between where she focused on herself and her own growth. She's basically been on a constant search to find someone to make her feel a way that, in my opinion, you can only feel when you love yourself. She also said she still has a "voice" that just feeds her all sorts of self-defeating and self-deprecating thoughts all the time, and that she constantly beats herself up for not being able to just get over some of the painful things she experienced as a child and teenager.

I didn't ask her what she thought that meant for me and her, I just listened to what she had to say, and offered a few compassionate remarks where I thought they were appropriate, but I have to say...I would LOVE to know if she had/has any thoughts on what the ramifications of this new self-knowledge are for "us." I'm smart enough not to ask, not to push, pressure, or "temperature check"... but sometimes this way of living is just so tough. So tiring. I'm keeping it all up, all the GALing, 180's, giving her her space... but even then, sometimes the limbo just feels like it's taking its toll on me. I don't show any of it to her...in fact for the past two months she has seen nothing by a positive attitude from me, nothing but kindness and giving, quiet strength and confidence. I'm trying to remind myself that this is BIG stuff for her. It's surprising to me that she's been in therapy for 7 years and it's just now coming up...but at least it is coming up. I guess maybe she can't even be thinking about "us" right now when this is the type of stuff she's dealing with, but from my own selfish perspective, I'm just so exhausted right now. In my lesser moments I feel like telling her that I just can't do it anymore, and she should move out if she's not ready to offer the smallest amount of committment to piecing things between us back together. Granted, I don't actually think that would be a good thing to do, but sometimes this situation just gets to me so much that escape starts to seem like a viable option... I guess maybe that's a taste of what my wife felt like when she told me she wanted a divorce...


H: 41
W: 35
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S: 9
D: 7
ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011
Piecing: 10/2011
Still going strong as of 4/2013
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 108
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dearme Offline OP
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Got a nice compliment from my wife today. We were both a little down in the dumps because today was our youngest's first day of school. Working from home 3 days a week, I had gotten used to having the little bug under-foot, and relished the extra time I had gotten to spend with her. So I was a little blue when we got back to the house after dropping her off, but my wife was taking it even harder. The house really did feel kind of empty without the girl bouncing around, and my wifeS teared up quite a few times during the day. Later in the afternoon she told me how glad she was that I had been home with her today, because she wouldn't have wanted to be home alone feeling the way she did. I told her that made me feel really good to know that. Just before she left for work she gave me a hug and thanked me for being there for her today; I just said "you're welcome" and told her the fact that she had been feeling the way she did was just another sign of what an awesome mom she is.

So... it's a far cry from reconciliation and piecing...but I'll take whatever positive interaction I can get...especially since sometimes I feel like a freakin' pariah around here.


H: 41
W: 35
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S: 9
D: 7
ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011
Piecing: 10/2011
Still going strong as of 4/2013
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 108
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dearme Offline OP
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Just doing a little...inventory.

The positives:

-My wife is still here...she hasn't made any moves toward a legal separation or divorce.
-We get along great and she still describes me as her best friend.
-She has begun to confront her issues and her contributions to her own unhappiness. She has admitted to me some pretty..."flawed" things about herself that she certainly didn't have to share with me.
-She is open to and accepts my invitations to do things together (i.e., dinner out, Ren Fest for her birthday, trip to the cabin in October).
-She invites me to do things with her (i.e., asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her).
-She showed me a list of things she had been unhappy about in the relationship, and seems open to accepting my efforts to change those things, if not now than at least in the future.
-She says she is not interested in anybody else, and that if any other men were to hit on her she would tell them she's not interested.
-She has acknowledged that if there is one and only one thing I deserve from her right now, it's honesty about her feelings, her intentions, and her plans, and she says she will share them with me.
-She expresses appreciation for things I've been doing for her, and for the changes I've been making for myself. She says the changes she's seen me undergo have inspired her to do some tough work on herself...and that she's simply amazed by the way I've handled myself in the months that followed her dropping the bomb.

The negatives:

-She hasn't made a verbal commitment to staying in or working on the marriage.
-She doesn't say "I love you." (of course neither do I at this point).
-She does not wear her wedding ring.
-Physical contact is extremely limited (she will accept massages from me,
and usually gives me a hug before she leaves for work, but that's it).
-We only have 2 months before we're forced to decide if we're going to buy the house we're currently renting, find some other place to live together, or find places to live separately. I worry that this will force her to make a decision about "us" before she's ready to.
-I believe her whole-heartedly when she says she's not involved with someone else, but I'm less certain that there isn't someone who is pursuing her or waiting in the wings.
-She appears to be in the midst of a full-swing midlife/identity crisis... She seems almost obsessed with returning to a time in her life that most of us learn to or just naturally outgrow. She's very "youth culture" oriented right now...essentially immersing herself in a world more suited to a college kid or someone 10 years her junior...looking at her tumblr page is like walking into a college dorm.
-Her social circle right now consists mainly of people around 10 years younger than her, single, and childless. They don't exactly give what I would call good counsel.


H: 41
W: 35
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S: 9
D: 7
ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011
Piecing: 10/2011
Still going strong as of 4/2013
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 80
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DM,

I just read your orig. story. Like it's been said, it sounds like my story.

I hope it's not too late for you. Keep up the work on yourself. Keep that road paved smoothed to return home. There is always hope.


M 38
W 50
S 9, D 6
T 12 M 10
W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront
W's 2nd EA 6/2010
Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010
MC 2/2011 - 3/2011
W bomb dropped 4/2011
Nothing filed or done
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Posts: 108
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dearme Offline OP
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Thanks for the encouragement, macvspc. I'm trying to remind myself that, right now, it is what it is. The only change to the situation will come through changing myself for the better...changes that quite frankly I needed to make regardless of what happens in my marriage. Changes that may save my marriage, but that will help me not just survive but thrive in the wake of divorce if--god forbid--it comes to that.

One other positive (I think...) for the list:

-My wife has told me she can't imagine not having me in her life and not continuing to have the friendship we have, and that she has feelings for me that are more than "just friends" but that she won't act on them because she doesn't want to give me the "wrong idea" (The wrong idea presumably being that she's decided to stick it out and start piecing things together). She said she hasn't decided she can bring herself to give "us" a chance because there's still too much pain, anger, and resentment...and she's not sure that they will ever subside to the point that they would need to for her to make that decision. But she's also said she doesn't know what she wants at this point, or what the right thing to do is. That appears to leave open the possibility that we can still turn things around. I'll call that a hope, not an expectation.


H: 41
W: 35
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S: 9
D: 7
ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011
Piecing: 10/2011
Still going strong as of 4/2013
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 323
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dearme, I just read your entire sitch and I think you're doing really well. You've made a considerable amount of progress in the past few months. (I realize it may not seem that way when you're living it though.)

Anyway, my situation is similar in that I got the bomb in April, and my H and I also continue to live together with affection, cuddling and time spent together alone and as a family. The difference is that my H will commit to the marriage for a couple weeks (or at least seem to), then start withdrawing and then bomb drop again. Then day after a bomb, he will give some indication of wanting the M again.

That said, I learned a lot from reading your thread. You have successfully detached yourself to a greater degree, and I now think I have a clearer picture of what I need to do in my sitch.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I definitely do see some positives in your situation. Continue DB'ing and GAL'ing and hopefully your W will continue to take notice.

Best of luck.

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I agree with endeavour that you're doing really well. Hang in there!

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dearme Offline OP
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Hey, I really appreciate the comments...especially because lately, I guess in the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling pretty...weak. Not all the time; it comes and goes. But there has been a lot of internal struggle and vacillation. I don't think I've showed any of it...or too much of it at least...on the outside, but sometimes I feel like breaking down and telling my wife that if she's not going to come to decision then she needs to just go ahead go. Ultimately, I don't think doing that would be a good idea...but I almost fantasize about it as being some kind of escape from the uncertainty of the situation. For all the detachment, GALing, 180's...for all the DBing, living this way is hard, because when it comes right down to it, my feelings for my wife are the same as they ever were--to the extent that I know I love her and want to be with her. Living with someone for whom you have those feelings, without having them returned, is a tough situation no matter how you slice it.

I've also been thinking, my wife probably has far more anger toward me than she's ever expressed...and that she might need to express it if there's any chance for us. She's never really given me both barrels, but I know there's enough to justify it. She got angry with me one time with me, when all of this stuff first went down...and I could tell at the time it had more to do with her pain than it did any actual hostility. That was before I found out about all of the things she was really struggling with, and I think about all of that bottled up emotion...with a lot of it being some pretty negative feelings toward me that she's never expressed. I don't know...I guess I'm not the person to be given her any kind of advice in that regard, but there's a part of me that believes she won't be able to move past the anger and resentment unless she's able to express it openly and honestly.


H: 41
W: 35
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S: 9
D: 7
ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011
Piecing: 10/2011
Still going strong as of 4/2013
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
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Originally Posted By: dearme
Hey, I really appreciate the comments...especially because lately, I guess in the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling pretty...weak. Not all the time; it comes and goes. But there has been a lot of internal struggle and vacillation. I don't think I've showed any of it...or too much of it at least...on the outside, but sometimes I feel like breaking down and telling my wife that if she's not going to come to decision then she needs to just go ahead go. Ultimately, I don't think doing that would be a good idea...but I almost fantasize about it as being some kind of escape from the uncertainty of the situation. For all the detachment, GALing, 180's...for all the DBing, living this way is hard, because when it comes right down to it, my feelings for my wife are the same as they ever were--to the extent that I know I love her and want to be with her. Living with someone for whom you have those feelings, without having them returned, is a tough situation no matter how you slice it.



I did this. I kicked him out b/c I couldn't stand another minute. He broke up with me and it was months that we were living together (we aren't married) and he was on again off again looking for an apartment - doing it openly. It was VERY VERY hard.

Actually, just you writing this makes me feel better - like I was hard on myself back then for some reason. This was very hard, until one night I told him to leave.

He did, but then called a few hours later and came back (we have a 2 year old and it was hard on her). A week later, I lost it again and told him to leave. This time he did. And it was very hard.

I regretted it, but at the same time, I felt I had a little more power back. It was very hard on D, and so that made things difficult - but if it wasn't for D, I would have thought I did the right thing.

I just still wonder if he was actually going to really leave - his behavior was different from his words (still kinda is).

I just pushed things forward more - b/c that uncertainty - like you said - was killing me.

Still is, but I'm getting more used to it now and more focused on just me (which helps)

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Your W sounds a lot like me. Insecure, finding self worth in others, etc.

I think you are doing a very, very good job.


"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."
¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
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