Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Part 1: Suddenly Separated, Part 1

Last Post:
So, I feel that I have entered a more challenging part of this journey and DBing. Yesterday was the first full day that I did not hear from H at all -- no phone call, no email, no text. Yes, I truly felt that I had dropped the expectations (which, I'm sure made things easier), bit I still noticed. With contact, it was easier to detach (or have the illusion of detachment) because I knew that he was at least interested enough to call everyday. The real test is how I will handle things if he becomes more distant. I am assuming I continue to LRT. Certainly I continue to GAL. Is this when true emotional detachment can take hold?

I am feeling a little bereft and alone, but still able to get on with things. I feel that I really need to step up GAL at a vulnerable time like this. The problem is I am under the weather and mostly in bed today. That is usually a recipe for rumination, so I gotta find something more constructive. Sigh. I guess I haven't quite broken the "addiction" after all -- still need that phone call "hit" from my H.

Labug's reply
"Yes, it's tough. (((mimi)))

I'm now just past 2 wks of no contact with H. That's the longest I've gone without contact about something, kids, taxes, other money stuff, mail. It is like a drug.

I finally figured out that most of it was contrived and if he wants to know things about the sons that he doesn't get from them, he can contact me.

It does allow me to focus more on me.

But it is lonely."


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
I hear you. Wanting and needing to focus on myself. Need a good GAL plan for the day, though my heart is just not in it. But that's probably when you need it the most, huh?

So, H just called to "check in." Hate that term because it implies that he's doing it out of obligation. Ugh. Doesn't help to think like that. He said he would "come by" tomorrow in the morning. Told him I would be at yoga in the morning, and he said he would come later then. He didn't mention his prior idea of watching movies together in the evening, and made no definite plans for tomorrow. Seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. I didn't feel so great after the call. So much distance between us. It was all I could do not to "hold on" to my H through the phone. Did OK though.

OK, need to pull myself together. So far it has not been the best day.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Whatever happened to my belief that "the longer I go without contact with H, the stronger I become"? I guess that was only true when I felt that H still cared. When he feels so far away, the insecurities come out. I feel truly alone vulnerable and not at all strong. I think, "this is what it feels like to really lose someone." It's so real now.

This is when the real work starts. This is when you mix hope with reality and come up with a way to live your life. Not just live your life, but love your life, despite your loss. How do you do that?

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Inspired by Ro, I am thinking of getting a DB session with a coach. Although I feel comfortable with LRT right now, I wonder if there is anything else I could be doing to maximize my chances of reaching my goal. It might also help me to relax and concentrate on GAL if I know that I am doing all I can for my marriage.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 34
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 34
i've been really inspired by your posts, mimi. our sitches aren't exactly the same, yet you have a way of describing exactly what i'm feeling but haven't been able to articulate too well. sending some good thoughts your way.



Originally Posted By: mimivac
Whatever happened to my belief that "the longer I go without contact with H, the stronger I become"? I guess that was only true when I felt that H still cared. When he feels so far away, the insecurities come out. I feel truly alone vulnerable and not at all strong. I think, "this is what it feels like to really lose someone." It's so real now.

This is when the real work starts. This is when you mix hope with reality and come up with a way to live your life. Not just live your life, but love your life, despite your loss. How do you do that?

Mimi

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Originally Posted By: mncwng
i've been really inspired by your posts, mimi. our sitches aren't exactly the same, yet you have a way of describing exactly what i'm feeling but haven't been able to articulate too well. sending some good thoughts your way.


Thanks. I'm glad my posts have had some kind of value for someone other than myself. smile So, I cheated a bit today and called H. I succumbed to feeling down and sick, but I was determined to keep the convo short and pleasant, and at least I accomplished that much. H seemed happy to hear from me and we talked briefly about a movie he was about to watch and made plans for tomorrow. I don't know if I did the right thing. I'm making things all about him right now, and that doesn't sound exactly healthy. How can I possibly detach this way? I guess I am not ready for the pain of a true S yet.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Jounaling: Ok, enough nonsense. Listing my GAL activities for tomorrow to get myself going. Yoga cycling with girlfriends in the morning. Then lunch at the great pizza place next door. I haven't been comfortable with my body for a while, so I am committing to having one of their delicious salads. Then I need to get grocery shopping. My menu for the week includes oyster soup with frizzled leeks, filet mignon with truffled mushroom ragout, and pear, arugula, and pancetta salad. Adore cooking and can't wait to get in the kitchen. Also I really want to start arranging my closet and clothes, and create a great place to get ready for a night on the town. That sounds like enough for tomorrow. Got to act as if and GAL my way out of this.

Mimi

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
You reeeeaaaly need a roommate to help you eat all that delicious food!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Bug, I know. My cat turns his nose up at it. smile


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
mimivac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
Well yesterday turned out to be OK. I went to brunch with two girlfriends at one of the boutique hotels in Old Town. We gabbed, had fancy brunch drinks, and overall had a great time. Back home, h had arrived and we got along fine, although I found myself being annoyed by some of his habits. It's so weird having him "visit" his own house. One thing that really upset me was a letter he received from the bank confirming his application for a new checking account. I guess he really is getting his own. We've had a joint account since before we were married. It makes me angry that he is this disengaged from the m. But I did well and called my mom rather than blow up at h.

Since he has the car, h took me grocery shopping. I made us the oyster soup for dinner (turned out great), and we watched Werner Herzog's "Cave of Forgotton Dreams." (fascinating). Then h kissed me and went back to his apartment. Wow, I don't know how I feel about all this. In A LOT of ways I was relieved to have the space back to myself again, but it just really brought home the fact that h is gone and wants it that way.

I got ready for bed, but started to get very anxious about money all of the sudden. I think the real source of the emotion was the disconnect and weirdness of H coming and going like that. I ended up downloading a new book on self love (not THAT kind of self love), fixing a glass of steamed milk, and trying to calm down. Doing much better this morning. H said yesterday that we should grill the ribeye steak I bought, so I guess he is coming over again. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it OK for him to come and go as he pleases?

Anyway, today I plan to GAL by cooking for the week, reading my book, trying to get to my closet project, exercising, cleaning up the balcony, starting my flylady cleaning project, and hopefully getting outdoors. Hope everyone makes the most of this beautiful Sunday.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard