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#2225044 02/26/12 11:43 AM
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MaryD Offline OP
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Hi everyone! This is a wonderful website and you are all so supportive of each other. I've just ordered Michele's DB book, anything that can help me at this time is worth reading........ Last Sept. I came home from work to an empty house and a note from my husband that he was sorry but we would be better off without him and that he was sorry for the pain and hurt he caused. I don't know where he went, and I am still not sure where he is 6 months later. I cannot begin to explain the distress, the pain and the anguish I experienced these months, and also the betrayal as he was having an affair. I did not hear from him at all for 3 months, and then to wish me a happy birthday as though nothing had happened! Through this time I had been writing to him assuring him of my love and devotion and how we could work through anything..... He ignored every email, and the cartwheels and dancing I did in them returned negative comment when he did decide to answer me. I still don't know why he left, and he has not given a reason for just tossing our marriage.
Recent communications from him have been very open, in relation to his feelings of rejection and worthlessness which he blames on my daughter. It is true that sometimes he felt unimportant and second best to her. (she is 20 and hardly ever at home). She is not his child and we were thrilled that she would have a father figure in her life. His early behaviours when we moved in together were difficult and he often stonewalled me for reasons I still don't know. He said last week that he was never coming home to me and there is no hope for us. He refuses to come to MC with me. I see a counsellor every week and I've really been concentrating on getting myself strong mentally and physically, my life is very full and I am very successful at my work and have lots of great things happening on a daily basis.
I am a RC and really believe every word of the vows I took and I am struggling dreadfully with that. This whole mess seems so stupid and childish to me, and he doesn't seem to be thinking of the consequences of what he has done and those of our futures. Marriages are not throw away relationships, and I don't know what to do. I don't see my husband at all, there is no contact except by email, and his family have sided with him (as they do) so I have no contact with them either. I really want my marriage with my husband, I love him to the core of me and I miss him so much.
Any of your experiences, thoughts, hopes , please share!
Thank you so much for any help, or guidance or ideas smile
Maryd

MaryD #2225160 02/26/12 08:14 PM
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Hi Mary welcome to board. Great that u ordered the book. I am on my iPhone so I can't post the 37 rules but someone will sOon. It is important that u take care of yourself 1st. Tells your ages, how long married, how are u supporting yourself? And what were his complaints about u and the R. Post often until u are out of moderation. Take deep breaths exercise look good at all times


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Also check out the website No More Mr. Nice Guy

Did anything lead up to this note?? Have you been GALing and taking care of yourself since he left. Keep posting


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Thanks Rick and BklynMom. Taking super care of me, everyone tells me I look better without him around, lost about 50lbs and took up sport and lots of other activities, I am out 5 nights a week and my work life is doing really good.
Things had been strained between us due to his issues with my daughter and various incidents which had taken place. I think I had an emotional breakdown last summer, I felt totally apathetic towards my husband and numb and was really hurt about things he did and the emotional abuse I suffered with him. I relived those incidents of stonewalling which could go on for weeks. I never knew what they were about and he never explained, except to complain about my daughter. It was impossible to reach any compromise, or reason with him. And I tolerated it. Until one day I couldn't any more and I moved into the spare room. To think. He seems to have used this as a reason to run away. I was in a bad place at that time, and I told him that. I needed him to stand strong for me, but he wasn't able obviously.
About a year after we were married he suddenly, out of the blue, told me that our marriage was over and I could keep the house! They were really difficult times too, but I talked with him every day and reassured him how much I loved him and he came round. This is a similar scenario, but he did the extreme act of moving out....
M 45
H 35
D20
Together 9
Married 6
Separated sept.2011

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Glad you found this site, Mary. There are tons of people willing and ready to help dish out advice and support! (you already got 2 of our 'wise DBers' posting- rick and bklyn.)

Here are the rules that Rick talked about:

The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while smile

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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MaryD Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for the replies, I'm not sure I understand this mod. Thing- I've posted replies that haven't appeared yet?
I am so frustrated at husband's refusal to engage with me on any level. He has to be the most stubborn man ever known! But I don't want to be put off by his behaviour when our marriage problems seem so small compared, I have learned that he is not a strong person, but someone who struggles with low self esteem and this has played into events. Especially where my daughter is concerned. She is like a whirlwind when she comes home and even I feel uncomfortable around her. She is highly opinionated and difficult, and we found this very challenging when we moved in together. I have spoken with her, and even yesterday asked her to consider not coming home if her behaviour continues like that.
My husband couldn't tolerate her, and even though she was away he evidently still carried memories of her behaviour and my reactions, or lack of, with him still.
I know that things would never be the same if he came home. Whilst in some messages he said that if he came home, things would be the same in a few months, in other messages it's I'm never coming home.
I am devastated.......

H35
M45
D20
Married 2006
Abandoned sept2011

MaryD #2225661 02/28/12 01:29 PM
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It's hard to keep our posts noticed as the forum is so busy. I'm having a really rotten day today - I've constant anxiety since my husband left, it sits in my throat.
Is there any way that I can help my husband to understand that things would never be the same as before - I have written to him about this, but I am thinking that so much damage has been done that he doesn't know how to come back from that.
I know that I've made the mistake of pursuing - but for three months I did't see or hear from him at all.
He refuses to go to MC with me - we've never been and I think that we would benefit a lot from it. I am still going to counselling and I can recognise the smokescreens he put up, the control and power games and the attachment issues he has. He is very jealous and possessive also -
Where to from here?
Thanks for sharing......

MaryD #2225678 02/28/12 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: MaryD

Is there any way that I can help my husband to understand that things would never be the same as before -
Only through your actions. It's his to decide if he wants to understand. You deciding what he needs to understand is controlling

I have written to him about this, but I am thinking that so much damage has been done that he doesn't know how to come back from that.
You may be right. Again his decision.


I know that I've made the mistake of pursuing - but for three months I did't see or hear from him at all.
He refuses to go to MC with me - we've never been and I think that we would benefit a lot from it. I am still going to counselling and I can recognise the smokescreens he put up, the control and power games and the attachment issues he has. He is very jealous and possessive also -
Where to from here?

Again, you want to tell him what he needs to do. You have no control over him. You can only control and change yourself. It's a long tough slog through uncharted territory. He may or may not come back.

Are you up for the journey if you don't know the outcome?

Thanks for sharing......


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2225709 02/28/12 03:35 PM
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MaryD Offline OP
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I am absolutely up for the journey labug - there is too much at stake.
I am going to stick to the 37 rules from today - my husband knows where I stand and how I feel about him. It looks like he is not coming back and he is forcing himself to have no contact with me at the moment. I am learning much about myself and about him since he left, and it's interesting to me that he shares more in his emails about his feelings than he did when we were together.
But then he shuts down again, and closes me out - sometimes he says mean things out of the blue and I find that really difficult to deal with. He knows by saying nasty things that I become quiet. I refuse to play that game with him and I have continued to be the 'nicer' person regardless of the language he uses....
Is it progress when he is opening up? Is he regressing when he thinks that he says too much - oh the confusion! This is incredibly frustrating.

MaryD #2225934 02/29/12 03:58 AM
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Quote:
This is incredibly frustrating.
Yes it is and it's going to be more frustrating.

But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act.

Work on you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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