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First post. I have thougth about this for several months with other sites but have never posted anything. Here goes:

My wife of 17 years walked out the door with our 2 daughters (10 and 16) last October (2011). We were pastoring a church together and had been for 12 years. I was in utter shock...and still am. She sat there cold (unlike herself) and without emotion just stated that she was not in love with me anymore. Hardly any other words were offered. I begged, pleaded, cried, and did everything to declare my love to no avail (all the wrong things). All of a sudden I realized what I had done and mistakes I had made. I have always loved my wife and was constantly being reminded of her love for me. We had problems but I thought we worked through them. I was wrong. Every week we spent time together watching a movie here and there...sometimes at her suggestion and sometimes at mine. We didn't go on dates very often (should have). Being in pastoral ministry were we both at home together all day long. She homeschools our children. We were around each other all day every day but not in the relationship that we should have had. I was covertly controlling, emotionally distant, and not empathetic. I should have listened to her more, just went to her and offered a shoulder instead of a lecture. I fell into the typical trap. Completely in love with her but unable to LOVE her the way she needed to be loved.

She moved 3 hours aways. Immediately after her departure I pursued her with no success. The more I tried the more she rejected. I apologized (in person and in letter), taking 100% responsibility for my actions regardless of how she chose to respond. I have also sent love notes, texts, phone calls, flowers. She told me nothing I did would make her change her mind and for me to focus on taking care of the girls. Repeatedly she has made it clear that she does not want to reconcile even though she knows that divorce is wrong.

Since then I have backed off. No texts, calls, cards, flowers, or anything. The only contact she has with me is concerning legal matters and money. Most of that contact is via text.

When her bday came around a month ago I wanted to get her something just to let her know I was thinking about her (we didnt' get each other anything for Christmas, which was very hard for me to do but I was afraid of a negative response). For her bday nothing romantic just a simple gift. Up to that point everything I sent or did was completely rejected. So I sent a simple bday card with a gift card in it and just signed my name. I had prayed that she would not have a negative response and sure enough she said nothing. A thank you would have been nice but I was so thankful for no response at all. To me no response is way better than a negative one.

After remaining pastor of our church for 5 months after her departure, I announced I was stepping down. I couldn't do it without my help meet and was in no position to lead them the way they deserved to be led. They were very supportive but sad. Didn't want me to go and were praying for our reconciliation. Greatest church a person could ask to be a part of. They love me and my family very much.

We have decided on our own separation agreement instead of doing child support through the court and have divided our assets amicably. I have given her everything, and more, of what she has asked. She has found a job and a place to stay and makes just enough to pay her bills. She can get assistance but hasn't filed yet. I have no job now though I'm looking very hard. She told me she would not expect child support and would work with me till I found a job (and even put that in the legal sep agreement). However, she sent a text asking when could she expect a payment. I wanted to say, "I thought You were going to work with me." but I didn't. I simply replied by telling her I was looking very hard for a job but if she would let me know what to send I would send it. She replied by saying she was just wondering. I then told her to let me know what to send and I would, otherwise I would pick an amount and send that. No reply from her. Hours later I get a reply saying she wanted what we had agreed on in the sep agreement. So I replied I would send a check first thing in the morning...which I did ( sent well more than she was asking). I'm in financial straits with no job but want to let her know I'm willing to sacrifice. I don't know if she's testing me or not. She said she would work with me but I guess she isn't. In any case I was glad to have the opportunity to show love. I want these opportunities but its tough, so I have to fight back the flesh. I want to be able to bless her but I feel like I'm enabling her and making it easy for her to stay away.

Her family is against what she is doing and has really encouraged me. She had cut off most communication with them but has started to come around some. She was tired of them trying to talk her out of what she was doing. They have been very hurt by her and don't feel like they know her. They are also hurt by how she is treating me. She hasn't exactly been nice to me.

I need whatever help you can offer. I've read all the books I can. Divorce Busting. Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Winning Your Wife Back Befor Its Too Late by Gary Smalley. Hope For The Separated by Gary Chapman. I've put into place all the things I can. I've been working on myself and my walk with God. Making this about helping me to be a better father and husband regardless of her choices. I've made progress and am not crying as much and have been able to grow. I do get conflicting advice. To pursue or not pursue. Only occasional contact. Or no contact at all. The only contact I have made with her over the past three months was the previously mentioned bday gift.

What do I do to slowly win her back? when she is 3 hours away and we don't see each other except to exchange the kids and then she just walks inside the drop off location without a word. I have simply resigned myself to loving her from a distance. Mostly by loving our kids and spending time with them when they are with me. I just don't know if I should text her with a "Just thinking about you. Hope your day is going good?" Or something. The only contact she has with me is about money or legal divorce things (mostly via text).

I know God is able to restore our marriage and home. I've seen it. Just having to pray and wait for Him to do it for us. She gives me no hope AT ALL but God lifts me up and keeps me moving forward. What practical steps should I be taking? I guess I'm trying to GAL. Finding a job would be a great step in that direction. LOL. Thanks in advance.


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