M:31, H:33, T:13.5, M: 8.5, S4. Used to be "best friends", always did everything together.
Frequent things that come out of H's mouth: "I don't care", "I don't know", "Deal with it".
H dropped bomb 11/26, a shock to me. Seemed that he turned off his emotions from one day to another, and turned into a "stranger". Seemed very angry and hostile. Had (and still has) those "shark eyes". Doesn't want to be at home. Annoyed and frustrated by S4. Blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I go to IC, H doesn't. H doesn't want MC. H has attachment issues from childhood (adopted twice).Said he wants to move out, but hasn't done anything yet. Overall seems to be acting like an irresponsible teenager.
Before diving into the latest, I wanted to once again express my appreciation for this community. I don't know where I would be without the valuable resources and support I received from here. I also appreciate the encouragement I keep receiving even when I don't quite feel that there is hope or question how long I am going to be in this limbo.
Busy day yesterday, which helped stay out of H's way and reduce awkward tension. Saturday night H slept on the couch (or floor?) again, but showed up in bed towards the morning. I had a terrible night, couldn't fall asleep until after 3, so when he showed up in bed I was not happy. S4 is an early riser and I was hoping he'd just watch TV while I dozed in bed, but that was out of question now. Then I spent a good part of the morning finishing the marble maze I got for S4. I must say, I'm very proud of myself for putting it together. It even has a motorized part to it and everything worked when I was done! Stopped in between to make an elaborate breakfast as H was getting hungry. Then I dove into the household stuff, laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, grocery shopping.
H seemed in a better mood. Helped fold laundry. Acknowledged my cleaning efforts in his own twisted way (asked whether I was done yet).
H went to his "party". H told me I could wear his Pats t-shirt if I wanted to, and told me what channel the game was on - how nice of him! I made the food that I wanted to make (though I made wings instead of ribs), but then decided to go over to a friend's house to watch the game with her and her roommate. Packed up S4 and the food and we both had a great time. Sorry to see the Pats lose though.
H slept on the couch again, then came to bed towards the morning, but left again before I got up. Weird. I hate being a light sleeper and wake up every time H comes home late or in and out of the bedroom, then I have a hard time falling asleep again.
This morning H seemed in a good mood again and seemed more chatty than normal. Showed me a shirt he got from a restaurant that he "ended up at because of the wing deal". What kind of a super bowl party do you go to that doesn't have football party food and causes you to go to a restaurant? It still irks me that H told S4 he'd watch the game with him, and then makes "better" plans and doesn't explain the change of plans. I'm glad that it doesn't seem to have hurt S4 as much as it did me. H noticed a few of S4's toys in a bag that we brought with us to friend's house and asked if we went out. He seemed surprised, but didn't say anything.
Little confession: I snooped on H's phone this morning while he was in the shower. Noticed a blank text from OW this morning. I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but boy did it make my heart beat faster.
I had been thinking about adopting a cat, because I (and S4) could use a little four-legged, loving companion. I had been looking at the site of a local shelter and made the mistake of showing H a cat that I liked (I think this was last Friday). H got defensive and said that I should know that we're not in a good place to get a pet. I now understand that he may have taken it as me trying to pull him closer.
Even though that is not the real reason, I guess I may need to put big things like that on hold until we're out of the "treading water" period. And maybe getting a pet right now is really not a good idea because of the circumstances. Who knows what future will bring, we may need to move and having a pet might put a little obstacle in the process. It just stinks being in this limbo stage.
I'm still expecting H to move out at some point because I think he really does need to hit 'rock bottom', to realize that that 'real life' bites and that he does have A LOT to walk away from. Because of that, I still think about what I would want to do and sort of started a mental list:
- take a self-defense class - get a baseball bat (for self-defense purposes, because let's face it, having a man around gives me some sense of security)
And even if H decides to stick around, then doing those things might still be good.
H slept on the couch again, then came to bed towards the morning, but left again before I got up. Weird. I hate being a light sleeper and wake up every time H comes home late or in and out of the bedroom, then I have a hard time falling asleep again.
Why not set a boundry and tell him either to start in the bed or stay on the couch.
I think he really does need to hit 'rock bottom', to realize that that 'real life' bites and that he does have A LOT to walk away from.
I think the same thing about my wife, who i believe is loading her u-haul right now for her trip to Arizona...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Nhmom, How old was your husband when he was adopted/given up? Do you feel there are any family of origen issues here? I'm wondering if your son's age has triggered a painful memory for him. Was your husband ever demonstrably loving and kind to you?
It's a shame your husband won't seek counseling, given his childhood I'd wager he has many tough issues to work through.
H was adopted at birth first; at age 5 the second time. He also spent about 2 years in foster care between adoptions. His parents split shortly after the second adoption, then his dad passed away when he was 7. H reconnected with his biological mom 5 years ago, within weeks of finding out that we were going to have a baby. H is still trying to rebuild a relationship with his "new" family, at the same time H neglects his adoptive mom (always has).
H has been very loving to me for almost the entire time we've been together (well until about a few months ago). Well, not overly, but I do think that I meant a lot to him. I really do hope that he'll realize that he needs C, regardless of what happens. H's got a lot of emotional stuff going on and he does need help sorting out those feelings.
H has has been very loving father towards S4 up until recently. Always helped out with anything, from getting up in the middle of the night to changing diapers. He has admitted on a few occasions that he is jealous of S4 and that I put all of my energy towards S4. I don't disagree with him, I know I should have balanced it out better than I have.
Wanted to share something H said tonight that I haven't heard in a few months: "I'm sorry". Simple words. It was not about our R or M at all, but it was still strange to hear it.
H asked me this morning what we were having for dinner. He then emailed me at work asking if we could have another dish instead (we usually have a menu planned for the week, but do swap it around). So I cooked what he wanted and S4 and I ate by ourselves because H was late. At some point H called to say that he was on his way home. Apparently, he had gone to a store after work. When he got home he actually said "I'm sorry" and that it took longer than he thought it would. He kinda mumbled when he said it. I'm just shocked to hear him say those words. He hasn't been telling me what time he'd come home or where he goes. I haven't been asking him either.
I also got to see a few minutes of the "old" H. S4 and I were building a train track on the floor and he actually sat down and helped out.
More examples of how S4 is affected by H's recent actions:
S4: Why does daddy have to be mad at us all the time? M: What do you mean? S4: Why does he yell at me all the time? M: Sometimes you don't listen and it makes daddy unhappy. S4: Why does he have to yell at you? M: Sometimes daddy is not happy with me either. S4: Well, I'm angry at daddy because he doesn't hug you. And he yells at me even if I'm good.
I don't think H heard S4 say those things. It makes me sad. All I can do is assure S4 that we both love him.
I'm still expecting H to move out at some point because I think he really does need to hit 'rock bottom', to realize that that 'real life' bites and that he does have A LOT to walk away from. Because of that, I still think about what I would want to do and sort of started a mental list:
- take a self-defense class - get a baseball bat (for self-defense purposes, because let's face it, having a man around gives me some sense of security)
I also need to get a AAA membership, 'cause if I get stranded on the side of a road, I wouldn't be calling H.
I was feeling down yesterday. It's the feeling that you're stuck and can't do anything to move forward, maybe stuck in a maze not knowing which path to take. I also feel very lonely. I don't have family close by, don't have many friends. I don't have a lot of time to GAL. My focus right now is work and my S4. What I noticed yesterday though, was that I came out of feeling down fairly "quickly". It didn't last hours or days, I didn't let it affect my daily tasks. Also, I was able to listen to some pretty sad love songs without even tearing up.
After having a low day, the night turned out pretty good, considering the current circumstances. H was in a meh mood at first, nothing out of the ordinary. It was his soccer night. When he came back he didn't seem happy. He told him he got a red card. He said he went after a guy, but the guys was being a jerk. He then went on to the living room to watch soccer and have a beer. He usually takes more time to calm down after a game, but he came to bed after a few minutes.
H said we shouldn't tell S4 that he got a red card for getting into a fight. I said maybe we shouldn't say anything at all, because S4 will ask a million questions. H said that he wants to teach S4 about being carded, so we agreed that we'd tell S4 that H got a card for fouling another player. H then said "I'm glad we agree." There was a difference in his tone, it actually had positive emotion. I could almost feel him cracking a smile when he said that (it was dark, so I couldn't see).
Then H asked me for a back rub. I ended up giving him a full body massage, which in the end led to ML. It felt so good and I really enjoyed the moment. I tried not to think about what it meant, the future, or anything else...just enjoyed that very moment. H commented on the shirt I was wearing to bed. It was nothing special, but he asked whether I wear it on purpose because he likes it. Maybe I need to invest in some new sleep wear, if that is what he notices.
This morning S4 came up to bed early. I sent him away the first time, but when he came back 10 minutes later I let him climb into bed with us. He lay there cuddling next to me first. Then he pulled my arm and H's arm close to him and said "We are the best family ever". Then, H pulled S4 close to him and they lay there snuggling for a few minutes. What a precious site, it made me smile. I hope that H appreciated that, and that he understands what he'll be missing out on.
