6 months of marriage rebuilding and a discovery

[Lonely Room]

Hello!

It has been a long time since my last post in the forum. Since then a lot happened, but in practical terms I'm still separated. My wife and I are rebuilding the marriage at a very slow pace and with a lot of uncertainties. She says there are things she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to fix, but I've been patient and respectful.

We separated in June last year when she told me she didn't love me any more; you can read all about it in my previous posts. I left, and we had no contact at all for two months. In late August she contacted me over the Internet and we continued talking for another 2 months, always online. One day in early November she contacted me saying she was lonely and sad. We met the same evening, went for a long drive and talked a lot.

After that we started meeting regularly, going out for dinner, I even started to sleep over at hers, we started having sex. We spent the New Year abroad together, we went for a week of holiday abroad in February, clear improvements, small steps, we are even looking to buy a house.

I assumed all blame for what happened between us, although inside I know that very rarely things are black and white. This was the only way. The few times we talked about the past, I always listened carefully and tried to understand her perspective, accepting her reasons. It was a one-way thing, and I accepted that as part of getting us back together. Small steps...

But recently something happened that completely changed my interpretation of things. When we separated I suspected that there was some involvement between her and a work colleague. It was one of the factors that triggered the end, I confronted her with my suspicions, she denied everything and used it against me, as another reason to prove that I was at wrong in the marriage.

But the fact is that there was an involvement. I now know that as late as October they were still involved, that it started as a sexual thing, that she wanted to move it to a relationship but he didn't. She ended everything in early October afraid of being heartbroken. There are still a lot of things I don't know about what happened between then, but I think I know enough.

I haven't talked with anyone else about this, and she doesn't even suspect I know it. The problem is that they still work together, they are still close friends, she talks a lot about him and I still "feel" her as absent and cold. This leaves many questions in my mind, sent me a bit down although I'm still happy and confident with myself.

I still didn't put a lot of thought on this, don't know why, but would really like to hear your opinions. You guys were a really good platform for my rebuild after the separation and that was one of the best things that happened in my life.

Thank you very much, sorry for the long text!

[~ kd ~]

Hey LR, it sounds like you and your W have become closer and that is good.

Yes, be cautious about ever owning ALL the blame. Take a look and see if it was simply a tactic to win her back. If so, it may backfire on you and it isn't truly helpful to you nor your W. She would need to take her share of the responsibility in the breakdown.

You indicated that you were aware of the OM. Her being "sad and lonely" and you going back to he is likely an artefact of the breakdown of that R. I'm sure you know that.

Again, if you went back to her, knowing that was likely the case. I hope you weren't going back with the intention of being her knight. It is possible that she's leaning back on you, waiting for OM to change his mind...

In the end, this is all up to you. What you have done, appears to have worked... but is how you did it, or your intentions in it, something that you will respect yourself for... now or down the road...

Or...

Would you rather her come back to the M because she WANTS to be back in the M...

Did she miss YOU... or was it just that she missed companionship (and sex) so decided to settle for you while something better came along...

I hope that you can keep the connection going and growing with your W... but what can you do to give her some more space and time to think what life would be like, with the NEW, and AMAZINGLY improved LR...?

[Lonely Room]

Hello Kaffe Diem, good to speak to you again!

When she contacted me saying that she was sad and lonely, last November, I was already planning for the divorce and by then we were separated for 5 months. I even had an appointment scheduled with a solicitor, so, it caught me by surprise.

She said she was sad an lonely with her life and would like to see me again. It was like a huge ray of sunshine in my mind! I always though that she did that because she saw clear improvements in my life and wanted me back. Last week, when I found-out about the other man, all of that was put in perspective.

You see, now I don't know what are her true feelings. Does she feel anything for him? Is there still anything going on between them? Is she just with me because I provide her comfort, and not because she loves me, whatever that means?

I still want to save our marriage, but I don't want it to be just a convenience for her. Because I know that down the road, if problems show-up again or if someone else gets under her likes, I will be ditched one more time. And now I'm strong enough not to let than happen.

Thank you!

[~ kd ~]

ahhh... OK, I understand... yes, you were hoping... rather blindly accepting, that she was actually coming back TO you...

That makes sense and really, it was appropriate...

IDK... I think everyone at some time in an R will look at others and compare themselves to others individually as well as compare their R with that of others...

We may also question from time to time whether we want to be with the person we are with, or if there is someone else that (at least momentarily) catches our eyes...

The IDK part is... IDK what value people get from that. I've done it myself, but I have hardly ever regretted being with my W. The thoughts were ever, only fleeting for me...

I guess what I'm saying is, given the givens... the last six months of your life with your W is hardly likely different that any other couple... Perhaps hardly different than what your M was prior to the initial BD...

So my question to you, as I would hope someone would question me if I end up in another intimate R with someone... is, what have you done to keep the changes going?

IOW, did your W come back and you sighed relief and then things got back to "normal", or did you keep working on yourself and your R with your W?

If the former, then now is your chance to change that...

If the latter, then either she could be a fool... or she's just not "feeling the love", yet... keep working on it...

As you said, you don't necessarily know your W's intentions or feelings. As you know, you will not be able to prise that info out of her... she will have to share it, willingly... spontaneously... however and whenever...

Until she does that, it might be a really, really good time to...

Get back to DB basics...

Makes sense?

And it's good to read your update. Truly, it sounds good and you are at a bump. No need to get paranoid about it... Just get to work because it is possible that you are at worst where many people SHOULD be, when the come to DB... rather than when we are on our last legs or rather, when our legs have been chopped out from under us...

[sayitaintso]

What do you feel your options are?

Are you guys seeing a MC?

That may be a good platform for you to be able to bring up what's troubling you in a safe environment and without looking like you are controlling.

What is keeping you from confronting her?

Can you let it go and continue to go on if you don't get more clarity or closure on this?

[Lonely Room]

Guys, thank you very much for your thoughts. This is all this forum is about!

When my wife approached me and things started to improve, I didn't stop. The improvements I did in my life in the last year were mostly for me, and I feel good with who I am now. I'm progressing in my martial arts training, I'm making new friends all the time, I'm going to parties, I'm buying new clothes, I'm travelling. I take nothing for granted.

We are not seeing a MC because my wife completely refuses the idea. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings in front of strangers, and I really think it would be a disaster. As for confronting, I thought about it... But she doesn't react very well to those kind of situations and I'm almost sure that she would retract and isolate. So, I kind of put that idea in the shelf right now.

I think that as things are right now, I cannot let it go. I don't want to be married with someone that doesn't love me and is only with me because I can provide her life comfort. If that's the case, then she deserves better. I deserve better. Marriage isn't an arrangement of interests, it's much more than that.

This is all very complicated, but surprisingly, I'm calm, happy, confident and not really scared. I think I'm stronger!

Thank you again guys.

[MrBond]

Personally I would confront her. Not in an accusing way, but in a way that's understanding and compassionate. In fact, you do have a right to know in case you contract some kind of STD.

If you don't, she may flip back to the guy if he changes his mind and also, she can't keep blaming you for the demise of the relationship.

Again, be compassionate when talking it over with her. If she starts to switch the blame to you and say that you're crazy, etc. hold up your and stop her. Tell her that you have proof and would like to get past it, but you need to have complete honesty and trust between the two of you. Watch your tone when you're doing this.

[Lonely Room]

Thank you MrBond.

I guess I'll eventually have to confront her. Especially because in the last few days she's gone "absent" again, started saying that she still has a lot of things to deal with and that she doesn't know if things will ever work. This after all the good times we had in the last few months, holidays, planning to buy a house, etc..

Probably I need to give her space to decide what she wants. And at the same time, I need to move on a bit more, probably meet other people, something that I never did since we separated because I respect marriage.

You know what's she saddest part of all this? To my eyes, she fell-off the pedestal. She's not "up there" any more, she lied, she let me carry all the blame, suffer, and she's probably using me right now. If that's the case, I don't want to spent my life with someone like that.

Thank you again guys, cheers.