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11

Figured I'd started a new thread considering I topped 100 and, frankly, we were taking a questionable left turn!

Thanks for everyone's input. I am chilling the eff out a bit. Totally need to get back into GAL mode - will do so with S this weekend. W still wants to go to fertility doc about our embryo on Monday - so it can't be all bad. Who knows! smile

Crimson

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Hey Crimson, for what it's worth man, looks like we got thrown into this mix at about the same time, it's been a long six months. I've learned a lot from following your sitch and the associated comments and think you're doing great. I pick and choose what I have to respond to as well to make sure I have some value-add, because I certainly have not mastered the DB skillset as of yet. Although simple in theory we all know it is extremely hard to do. At any rate, keep your chin up, FWIW and in IMHO I can't see how your wife wanting to talk to a fertility doc on Monday could be anything but a positive thing. Keep getting your GAL on and good luck with the appt on Monday!


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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Crimson Offline OP
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Thanks, B74. I DO hope that people don't read my infrequent posts to other threads as generally not giving a shyte. Hardly, I am in the same boat as you - just not wanting speak and guide much from the "novice" view. Others may have differing opinions, but this seems like such a wobbly place to be for so many of us that I don't want to point anyone in the wrong direction.

I am with you on the fertility doc - that remains a bright spot for me right now. At least something that gives me a little hope that all is not lost. If I set all of the other madness going on around it to the side, I a purely excited at the prospect of a second little one - assuming w and I get our shyte together soon.

Also, and I am not saying this lightly, I am VERY thankful that you have received some kind of help, direction or guidance from my posts and the responses. I really DO try to post in a raw, nothing held back manner - in the hopes that it reaches people that are going through the same scenarios that I am. It light of me posting to others much, that is the best I can offer right now.

Anyhoooo, regarding all the things going on this week - someone enlightened me by telling me that while I am making progress, it just isn't "linear" - that there will be twists, turns and curves....makes sense and is probably a better way to look at things. Furthermore - since I really don't know the source of my w's mini break-down these last few days I am viewing it as an emotional "re-boot" of sorts. Something crashed the system, and it's going to take a bit of time for things to get back online again. I spoke with her this morning and she seems OK - but not "happy" or herself.

Thanks for the well wishes for Monday - I hope your next six months are better than the last.....hell, for both of us!

Crismon

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Hey Crimson. I haven't posted much here in the past several months due to my need to focus on my own sitch. I happened across some posts in 'Part 11' that caught my interest, so I went back and read your very first post. Admittedly though, I haven't had time to catch up on everything that has happened to you.

But I wanted to drop by and throw you some support. I am on month 16 of my own sitch, much of it similar to so many others here, including yours.

I'm sure that you've been told time and time again that you are going to have to be patient, give this time, and work on changes for yourself... and that those changes have to be real. I can't tell you how many times I was told that when I was here posting every 15 minutes. LOL

The thing that I want to tell you is that there are no words that can fully describe just how true these things are. My W left me and was DONE with our M in November of 2010. It was 3 months later, after some major DBing, and me believing that I 'got it', that my W began to open up to the idea of reconciling. That was February of 2011. Since then? Crazy, crazy, crazy stuff has happened. Things that have challenged my idea of patience, my idea of giving things time, and what I thought was me working on me. Every time that I thought that I had this DB thing down, I was shown that I was only beginning. As for the crazy stuff that has happened to me, I'm sure that my posts are still around in the archives.

This past weekend, my W and I went to a marital retreat in Colorado Springs. Her idea. While she still hasn't committed to the M, she says that she is trying, and I definitely see her efforts... 15 1/2 months later.

My point? There is hope man. There is hope, but this is going to push you to limits that you never thought yourself capable of.

If I could go back and do one thing different though, it would be to not let the situation consume me like I let it. I know that I am still guilty of doing that to a degree, and I know that it is much easier to not have it consume you when things start looking up. But during the first 9-12 months of this, I lived and breathed the problems with my M. I was miserable. If I could go back, I think that I would try a little more to relax and let things happen rather than try to do whatever sort of mind control I thought I was doing by thinking about it every waking moment.

Something I learned at this marital retreat this past weekend that I identified with completely:

There is a path to healing a marital problem or conflict.

1. there is an offense committed by one spouse

2. the other spouse is hurt deeply

3. the hurt turns into anger which leads to isolation

4. the offending spouse must take ownership of his/her offense and seek forgiveness.

5. the hurt spouse may CHOOSE to forgive

6. Finally, there MAY be a rebuilding of trust in the M.

I think that most of us find that we are on the opposite end of the anger/isolation stage when we first come here. The goal is to get our WAS to forgive us.

But that is not the hard part. The hard part is the rebuilding of trust.

Forgiveness is NOT an automatic cure for the hurt that we have caused. And it is NOT forgetting the offense that caused the hurt.

Trust is not automatically reinstated when forgiveness is sought and given. It is rebuilt ONLY through CONSISTENT behavior over TIME.

It is here that patience comes into play. We must be patient and grace our spouses with the time that they need to believe in us again. To trust us with their hearts again.

After that session of the retreat, my W pointed out that this is what I/we have been doing over the past 16 months. She pointed out that she is not there yet. But she is trying. And I am finally, FINALLY, seeing it.

Stay patient brother. And don't let anyone tell you not to stay hopeful. Hope is the fuel that will keep you going.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Denver,

Just wanted to say that your post was really inspiring.

I really need to hear this sort of thing about keeping on in the face of hard times, and I know it will help so many here.

Thank you.

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NLW - I know how much we need to read something hopeful and inspiring when we first come to this site. I hope to be able to continue and post a bit more than I have lately.

Seek out 25MLC if she hasn't already found you. I think that she will have great perspective on your sitch.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Crimson Offline OP
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Denver -

I have heard your name toss about here over the few months that I have been posting. Thanks so much for dropping in on my thread.

I really needed to hear what you had to say and appreciate it. One of the things that struck me the most in what you posted was "I know that it is much easier to not have it consume you when things start looking up". Holy crap, is that true. Why is it that DB was easier when things looked more hopeless? What kind of paradox is that?

Thank you for reminding me to remain patient. That is key and a struggle - but it is literally woven into the DNA of DB I am learning.

Thanks again for dropping by - hope all is well.

Crimson

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Denver's post was awesome! For me, the knowledge of how long his sitch has been and still going is comforting because it means a long time is not a M death sentence if you haven't got it together yet.

Crimbo - I think your comment about the DB process and R'ing not being linear is so true. You just hope that if you look at the whole graph, it is trending upwards. The problem is we can't see the graph!

Hope you catch the minor league game! That's something your boy will remember forever!

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Crimson Offline OP
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Minor schminor! It's full blown Cactus League spring training out here! Mariners, A's, Diamond Backs, Cubs, Angels.....and so on. Sadly, today's game coincides with Indiana's appearance in the second round of the Big Ten Tournament. It is INFINITELY more important that my s is a Hoosier fan - so I will make it an event for him! smile

I am terribly grateful for Denver's post defining what "progress" and the "long haul" really is. Inspiring to say the least.

Met w at 7AM to get coffee and pick up s. She was 100% back to normal it seems. She even reflected on a co-worker that was going through a REAL nervous break down and said she couldn't imagine what it would be like to feel that way all the time. We had a nice little chat - and as always, s and I were happy to see each other.

Maybe it was just something she needed to process or purge from her system - pretty much like EVERYONE said. Who knows. I'll be better prepared next time.


Crimson

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I've never seen the west coast spring training. In AZ?

You'll appreciate this since from Indiana. Larry Bird...as much a legend here in Boston as there.

A few mornings age my W is on the net and looks over and says "Larry Bird died". I freaked like "WHAT" how?

She says, no I meant our bird died (his name's larry)

Sounds like an awesome sports weekend in your side of the states!

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