Do you think he is being "led astray"?

[Kayley]

Hi everyone,

I am new on here and was hoping to get some advice about what to do.

Four weeks last saturday, me and my husband had an argument about the fact that he was working too much. He got a new job in September 2011 that he wasnt really experienced to do (he knew the person interviewing and they wanted him for the job) and I think he is struggling with the workload. He left the house at 7.30am on the Friday and stayed up working on his laptop until 11.45pm and then also worked all weekend, which is what we had the argument about. During this argument, he told me that his feelings had changed towards me and that he didnt feel the same connection and spark that we used to have. I was absolutely devasted as we only got married in September last year so have been married for 6 months. We both agreed that we would try harder to make it work and did for the next two weeks but it didnt seem like his heart was in it. Last saturday (10th) bang on our 6 month anniversary he told me his feelings hadnt changed and packed a bag and moved to his mums.

I have since spoke to him this saturday and he told me that he still loves me but isnt in love with me anymore and when i asked him if he things he owes it to the relationship to give it another go, he said that he didnt want to. He assures me that it is nothing ive done and its just his feelings that have changed.

Since he started his new job he has been constantly talking about his colleague called Adam who is a bit older than him (I checked on fb!) and is single. He has been to this persons house a few times and stayed over on saturday (info from his mum) staying up all night drinking Whisky. He doesn't drink normally so this was really out of character for him. I am wondering if this man has led him astray as such, showing him how much fun he can have as a single man. He has mentioned that he also works late with this man and ofter goes out for a drink after work with him. I thought that this might be a front for him cheating on me and asked him outright but he said there was noone else and I truly believe him as I dont think he would do that. His mum has also said that he hasnt been showering regularly or dressing up to go out. I don't know if I am just looking for something to blame but I just have a gut feeling that this man has something to do with it.

He seems to have cut himself off from everyone and is really irritable just going into his bedroom when he gets home from work and not answering texts and calls from his dad or friends. I thought initially that he may not be coping with his new job and workload but it would kill him if he admitted it as it is all he has ever wanted to do. Im now not sure as my head is just a mess.

He has hardly took any stuff from our house, just a few pairs of pants and socks and his work clothes and is still wearing his wedding ring and put my name on the mothers day card. He came round sunday night to see our cats but didnt say much.

I just wanted some advice on what others think may be going on and us there anything I can do to stop me feeling so down. Its hit me really hard as I really had no idea anything was wrong and we were looking to try for a baby at the end of this year.

I went to the doctors at the beginning of last week and she gave me some mild sleeping tablets and anti sickness tablets as i kept feeling nauseous 24/7. I keep crying, even at work, and feel very lonely on my own but then feel like I dont want to be around anyone. The mornings seem to be the worst as i keep waking up at about 5.30am and am shaking, feeling sick and have a really fast, loud heartbeat.

Everyone says that I need to take 1 day at a time and start to move on but I don't want to. I still have a tiny bit of hope that he will change his mind and come back but then I dont want to have that hope and get hurt all over again if he doesnt come back. We have a house together and he put more money into the deposit than me so if he didnt come back I couldnt afford to buy him out and would lose my home and probably my cats too as it wouldnt be fair to take them to a bedsit which is all that I would be able to afford.

I feel as if my whole life is unravelling in front of me, I may never have a baby now as I am getting a bit older and obviously at the moment do not want anyone else. I am not suicidal but am very very low and have made another appointment with the doctor on Friday.

I'm crying as I write this, please can someone help me?
1 day ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
I really dont think he is gay as I even asked about this!!! I think its more that he is trying to impress this guy to "fit in" and be one of the lads at work.

I did think about the seeing someone else thing but I honestly dont think he is as I had checked his phone/pockets etc and so has his mum since he has been staying there. He knows how much that would hurt me and he really isnt a bad person, I just think this guy has told him that "the grass is greener" as a single man
1 day ago

We have been together nearly 5 years, lived together for 3
1 day ago

when he worked late until 11.45pm it was at our house not at work

[KarenR]

Hi Kayley,
I am sorry about your situation. You may want to write a briefer post, as it is more likely to get a reply. But, I also highly suggest to talk to an expert. Our DB coaches will help you come up with an immediate plan on how to approach him and interact with him in a way that is most likely to get a different response from him. Now is the time to take action. It is good that you are seeing your doctor, to see if there is a physical problem...but I know talking to a coach (they are also very experienced mental health professionals)would be extemely helpful. Take good care.

[MrBond]

Hey Kayley,

Sorry that you find yourself here, but you're in the right place to get your M back on track.

First thing to do is to get a copy of the DB or DR book. They are a must to help to get your thoughts on track.

Second, I would suggest that you talk to a DB coach. They really are great at what they do.

Third, post here often. You'll get alot of helpful hints from people who have been in your exact situation. The support here is great and well worth it.

Above all, understand that you are NOT ALONE. Everyone on here is here to support you through your worst.

[Accuray]

Hi Kayley,

Take a deep breath, you are not alone! You will be on moderation until your post count goes up, so you will see a delay before your posts appear here. The more you post, the faster this restriction will be lifted.

In terms of your husband, his behavior, while bizarre, is not unique. On the board we call that a "Walk Away Spouse" or a WAS. WAS tend to use the same "script", including the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech.

One thing that comes across in your post is that you are subject to catastrophic thinking right now -- you're not yet on a track to lose your house or your cats or never be able to have a baby, so don't worry about those things!

In your situation, most of us are tempted to pursue our WAS, plead, bed, cry, or try to reason with them to convince them to come back. As anyone here will tell you, that will not work and does more harm than good. It is also generally a bad idea to involve his family including his mother, he will resent you for that.

Right now he is confused and needs space -- just confused, not done. If you don't give him the space he wants, you will push him farther away.

Honestly, your best bet right now is to let him have his space, do not initiate contact with him, and do your best to "act as if" you are happy and willing to move on by yourself.

As long as H believes he can just return at any time and you'll be happy to have him, you'll be out of mind and there will be no reason for him to think about what he's doing, because he can always come back if things don't work out.

If you stop chasing him, and seem to be happy and doing fine on your own, this will cause H to wonder why you're OK without him, and what you're up to. This will take away his comfort and control, and make him worry and think.

I understand that you are feeling very badly and your heart is telling you to chase H with everything you've got -- don't do it. You need to do your best to pretend that you are just fine wherever H is concerned. Don't text him, don't call him, don't leave him notes. If he calls you, don't answer. Let it go to voicemail and then call him back some time later. If he hears a good time going on in the background, so much the better.

Take care of yourself as best you can, have faith that you will feel better. Time is your ally, not your enemy, and this situation will not be fixed in hours or days, but more likely months.

In terms of the friend, unless your H is very young and immature, I find it unlikely that this guy could convince him to give up his marriage. More likely H was unhappy, you may have been unhappy or unfulfilled, and there were some pattern problems that had developed in your relationship. It's far more likely that H left on that basis. The friend may have been a catalyst, but I doubt very much he was the cause, I wouldn't worry about the friend.

Accuray