Hello all this is my first post and I could really do with some support! In brief my husband of 4 years told me just before christmas that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. "I love you, just not enough". We have had problems for years (he was sexually abused when he was young and has been dealing with that and it has caused many issues between us) and have had couples therapy for 3 years although that has ended now. I reacted badly (pleading, crying, angry etc) at first and insisted that he move out straight away (a move I now regret) and have since. I am 7 months pregnant with our second child and was very very sick at the start of the pregnancy. I know he is having an EA and possible PA with a girl from work but denies this. I believe the affair started while I was sick with the pregnancy, they have been 'good friends' for a long time so it could have been going on longer. I got DR about 3 weeks ago and have been doing last resort technique since then. I have had lots of positive responses from him. He's more friendly, he's helpful and today he was physically affectionate towards me for the first time so I know the techniques are working. The problem is that while I know about the affair and confronted him a couple of times (before I read DR) I find it very hard to cope with the lies. We no longer live together but spend at least 1 night a week under the same roof because of our little boy. I struggle not to snoop (looking at texts from OW) but then when I do I struggle to contain the anger and resentment. She has preyed on my husband when I am pregnant and he has let it happen. I don't want him at the birth of our new baby if he can't be honest with me and I don't want put all this work into a relationship with someone who isn't honest with me. I really want to confront him again (I was thinking of writing a letter) but in a calm way. But I've made such good progress with him over the last 3 weeks I don't want to jeopardize that. I just don't know what to do! Help!
What is your goal at the end of this? Will confronting him bring you closer to that goal or move you away from it? Do you need honesty NOW, or can it wait for the alien to leave? Is a PA a deal breaker for you? You may have a lot of questions, but might I suggest that right now what you need are a lot of answers......from you.....for you and your children.
I know my W is in an A. It [censored] but I know the A is not the problem, it is a symptom of our dysfunction. If I want to save our M I have to fix the dysfunction and the symptom will go away.
Fix you and the relationship changes, maybe better, maybe worse, but either way you are a better person going forward.
Become the woman only a fool would leave!!!
Good luck and welcome to the best place to be during the worst time.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hi, Sorry for not updating for a while, I am just learning my way around the boards!!
I have made massive progress with H. He is staying over 3-5 nights a week. We have not discussed this it has just gradually happened. I'm really trying hard to not go OTT with changes. I have now learnt that he has been having an affair (EA and PA) for 2 years. I have not confronted him about this and I know it is still going on so I know that any reconciliation will depend on him moving away from the OW and back towards me. I am not good a being patient and that is what I am working on at the moment. I have good days and very bad days.
I'm working on GAL too. I have bought a house (with his help) for me and the children and he will move in for a few weeks when the baby is due (3 weeks from now) so that will be a new challenge being with him 24hours a day with a new baby, our 3 year old and trying to keep from backsliding with my changes...
I'm exhausted from the stress of it all. I'm 8 months pregnant, moving house, started a new job and DBing all at the same time but I'm so proud of myself that I have not had one backslide with him. When I am with him I am only calm, happy and content. I welcome him being here with me and our son and I make that clear but without saying it. I have identified and started to fix some of the major problems in our R that lead to the A. I feel like I am just chipping away at the problems a little at a time. My solutions journal is getting bigger and gives me hope in the dark moments. I have a huge bag of self help books hidden under the bed that I read when he's not here and most of the time I am calm and strong. Packing the house up to move is taking it's toll, so many memories of the life we had together... The one thing I am not doing so well with is not spying. I just can't help myself although I have managed to reduce how much I do I can't seem to stop. I like to know where he is at with the OW. I've started seeing slight signs this week that he might be cooling towards her a little but I'm not sure if that is just wishful thinking, I have to wait and see. They have been together 2 years so I know he's not going to be able to just walk away from her. He always has a hard time telling people things they don't like to hear so even if he does decide he wants to try again with me it will take him time to tell her that.
My main concern is that I am being too nice. He is having his cake and eating it too. He knows the door is open for him here but is still able to go off with her as technically we are separated... I don't have a fixed idea of how long I will let this go on for but I know I won't tolerate it forever.
