Hello My wife and I have been married for 8 years and we have 3 children. About a month and a half ago, out of the blue, she hit me with D talks. I knew we had our issues but never dreamed that they were this bad. She had asked to seek marriage counseling a couple of times in the past, but I would never agree to it. I have always approached our problems with the thought that they would just work themself out (which I now know was very dumb on my part).
She now resented me for wanting to go to counseling after it took her saying she wants a D to get me to want to go. I finally talked her into going with me, but by the 2nd session, I was getting the impression that the counseler was trying to talk me into accepting seperation?? I thought to myself, "I came here for help to try and work on our (or my) problems, not to hear that I should accept her decision to end it.
I gave up on that counseler and decided to try something else. I talked her into going to one of those marriage workshops this past weekend. While it didn't save my marriage, it did help me to better understand where she was coming from. I could finally see our marriage through her eyes, and I really didn't like what I saw. I was never there for her, I never validated her feelings, I haven't been able to communicate with her, I haven't shown her the affection she needed, etc. In short, I was a bad husband and didn't know it.
I have tried to explain to her how sorry I am, I told her that I can change. I have begged her to forgive me. After reading a lot of different things about my situation, I now know that is not what I should be doing. So I have agreed to moving out. I have decided that I am going to seek help for my communication issues and I'm going to try one of these "one party" marriage help programs.
Any advice or support would be warmly welcomed. I have been looking for a local support group, but haven't been able to find anything. A coworker suggested this sight, as it had helped them in the past. I dearly love my wife and I pray that It's not too late..
Well, Tonight is my last night at what was once my home. I move into the apartment tomorrow. I guess this is whats best for now, as her going out is making my mind go crazy. I have agreed to keep doing things around the house for her (i.e. mowing, fixing stuff, etc.). Also in an effort to save money (and be able to still be with the kids everyday) I will be keeping the kids after I get off work eveyday until the W gets home from work ( usually about 2-3 hours). So really, the only difference is going to be that I sleep somewhere else. What I'm conflicted with, is that while I want to make her happy in order to reconcile, how is she going to know what it's like without me if I'm still doing everything I have always done? I don't mind doing any of it, I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
Hi, I am sorry you are having a hard time and that you found a therapist that was more harmful, than helpful. But, even if your wife is saying 'too little, too late', please talk to a DB coach before you move out, if possible. Either way, your coach is an expert on how to approach her differently to get a different response and be more likely to get a 'chink' in her armor, and not push her any further away. Please give me a call to get in with a coach asap. There is also a discount this week available. Take good care, Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
