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#2222869 02/17/12 10:30 AM
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nickcy Offline OP
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After 23 years of marriage with its ups and downs my wife in the last 5 months I believe she entered MID LIFE CRISIS. I tried to be very patient and not pressing too much. Unfortunately things now too far gone. She told me yesterday she does not want to be in this marriage and wants a divorce after my daughter finishes finals.I did alot of investigation on my own and found out that there is someone else in the picture. She denies. She has clicked that i was checking and now goes to her sister to do all her talking and whatever. THis guy does not live in this country. Her sister has always tried to break us up and now i think she really got her hooks dug in and my wife is agreeing with her. I know this cause things she says, she would never say. They are her sisters words.

I tried to get her to counselling -no. Told her to talk to someone else - no. Told her lets try and save it - no.Everything I suggest is no. She has become so ice cold that she has locked herself away in a world from me. I am the enemy.

We have two kids. One writing finals in a couple of months. She says we stay together until she completes so as not to disturb her and then she wants the divorce. Between us there will be nothing.

She says she wants to fix her life. Of course this has broken me as i still love her. I dont want to lose her and I told her that she will probably regret it. She agreed and I answered so what is she doing. She says she just wants out.

What do I do now?? How do I play it now.?

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The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while smile

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Nicky

Sorry you are here.

Can you tell us a little more?

How old are you? Your W and kids?

Was there something that triggered this?

What complaints has she had against you. I don't mean crazy unreasonable stuff. The stuff you know you can do better at.

The stuff that hits home and hurts.

You're in the right place.

Keep posting.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Oh dear nickcy - that is so hard to be in that place. I am in a similar sitch.....
If your wife won't go to counselling - can you go for yourself? choose your therapist carefully, look for recommendations and someone who is accredited. It's really important that you look after your own needs first and that you are there for your children.
Is there anything that you can think of that would immediately improve your sitch at home? Something that she will notice? Do you know what her issues are? If you can both talk about small changes maybe she might be open with you....
keep posting - you are in the right place

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Nickcy,

I wish I had more time to give you a longer contribution, but I'll just give you a headline. The best thing you can do now is stabilize the situation and not make it worse. Forget trying to make it better right now. Time will help you with that, but trying to rush to make improvements will NOT WORK.

Your sole goal right now is to give your W all the space she needs. You need to detach, pull back, and focus on you. This is very hard and counter-intuitive, but it's the only thing that works.

Anything you do to pursue her right now will hurt your cause. Do not reach out to her, do not make overtures, do not tell her you love her, do not talk to her family or friends to try to get her back. Pull back yourself.

If you pursue her she will run, if you try to close the emotional distance between you she will make it greater. If YOU increase the emotional distance between you, you will give her space to come closer to you, or at the very least not move farther away.

Keep repeating to yourself "space and distance, space and distance". If your heart tells you to do or say something, write it down and sleep on it, but don't do it.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015

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