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Thank God I found this place! In Oct. my H told me he didn't know if we could remain M unless I make drastic changes. This angered me until I realized he is right. Background: 2nd M for both, 10yrs. I have Two D from previous, 20 & 16..one together 8yrs. I was raised like a wolf w/alchoholic parents. I have depressive anxiety mood disorders. He was raised by wally and june cleaver.

He IS Paul Mcarthy...I am John Lennon. Because of my upbringing I am emotionally needy and clingy. I smother him, but it only gets worse from here.

My mother died in august after a lengthy illness. I am devastated emotionally. I took it upon myself to try to save her and it did not work. I have been depressed for some time. My h feels neglected..I feel neglected. niether one will make the first move...I realize I must be the one to drawl first but it only gets worse from here.

Last monday my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I am again, devastated and very afraid that my M will not make it through another period of serious upheaval.

I am being proactive. I am taking meds for depression, I am going to group grieving therapy, but emotionally I have zero to give. where will I find what I need to give him (I should make a move w/H) when I have nothing?

Even though I am going through such challenges...I feel encouraged. He promised we would not separate because of our children. He is an incredible father/step father. BUT. I want more. I want us happy. maybe this will be an excellent place to find strength. All of your stories touch my heart and scare me too (a good thing) I am awake now.

Thanks so much already....

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SF68-

I'm a newbie to this site too, but...welcome! You will get great advice and insight here, I know I have!

I'm sorry to hear about your difficult family history and I think it's great you're taking meds and going to group therapy, both very positive, proactive steps!

It may feel like you have nothing right now, but it's understandable that you'd be emotionally drained...don't push yourself to give what you don't have right now because you'll burn out really quickly.

Have you read DR? MWD talks about dealing with a depressed spouse in one section of the book and it may help give you some insight on how your H feels and has felt over the years. It sounds to me like you may think he is a better person than you because you were "raised by wolves" and he grew up in a stable, happy home. If you let yourself drown in those feelings you'll never come to the surface again and that's where you need to be before you can really start to work on your M.

Death in the immediate family can really be hard on a marriage, but it also can provide an opportunity to lean on your spouse and make him feel needed. My grandmother passed on 1/6 of this year and although he'd already said he wanted to separate, my H was by my side in a matter of minutes when I told him the news, and he came to the funeral and even served as a pallbearer, no questions asked. I couldn't ask him for more support than he was capable of giving me, but just having him by my side for that meant the world to me. Is it possible to let your H just be there for you through all of this?

It's good to hear that you feel encouraged, and I hope that feeling stays with you, because there will be days where you want to give that up or days when you think you just can't do it. As Ghandi said, BE the change you want to see in the world, and in this case, in YOUR world. Depression is a serious issue that can certainly hurt a marriage. You say he is a wonderful father and step father...what about YOU? I'm sure you are a wonderful mother - do you give yourself enough credit for that? What is t about you that your H fell in love with? Depression can easily disguise all those wonderful qualities within you but I promise you, they are there.

Keep reading, this site has been a blessing for me in helping me keep my head on my off days (of which there are many). Talk to god. Talk to a counselor. Show your H that you are hopeful and that you are trying. Take some time for yourself, gather your thoughts...the human heart is an incredible muscle that can recover from things you can't imagine.


Me30 H29
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H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010
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ps - everyone knows lennon wouldn't have gotten ANYWHERE without mc cartney. don't let all the blame fall on yourself. that gets you nowhere, FAST. wink


Me30 H29
M2.5 T5
H moved out 1/23/2010
H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010
...feeling hopeless
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WoW! You're a newbie? That was a very insightful post. TY.

Dead up right about about me. I have very low self esteme. I have always thought, and I've even told him, that he deserves someone better...more suited to hapiness. I have actually apologized for bewitching him into the marriage! These are low days types of thinking.

When I'm feeling o.k. I realize that I have lots to bring to our table. I'm quirky, slow to anger & interesting...& kinda cute (giggle,giggle).

I just can't seem to hold onto O.K. for long.....

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i'm just glad i could help! i've read enough books in the last few weeks to make me feel like i've just completed a semester's worth of psychology classes! smile

i have low self esteem myself and also deal with a lot of insecurity issues. i often find myself thinking that i'm not "exciting" or "exotic" enough for my husband cause i'm just plain 'ol me. in your case, if you tell someone (meaning your H) that he deserves better, over time, isn't he eventually going to start to believe you? how can you ask him to know your worth when you don't know it yourself?

of course you have a lot to bring to the table! i realize that on my good days, too...sometimes it helps me if i'm feeling blue or low on self-esteem to remind myself that i am a good woman and a good person. i do my best to be the best wife, friend, daughter, sister and dog owner (tee hee!) i can be. my husband is lucky to have me because i understand him in a way that very few people do, and i put him above all else in my life (well, except maybe god). even the low days can turn around if you make an effort to put a halt to those gloomy feelings before they have hold of you for the day, you know?


Me30 H29
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H moved out 1/23/2010
H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010
...feeling hopeless
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Hello slipperyfish and trytryagain. Although I am by no means a veteran, I am a few steps further into this sado-masochistic dance. I am glad you both made it here when finding yourselves in a bad place.

Slipperyfish I cannot imagine the grief you must be suffering at the loss of your mother and the life-threatening illness of your father within 6 months. Even without preexisting conditions that would be enough to throw the sturdiest of marriages (and beautiful women) for a loop.

It sounds like you are making positive steps with therapy and medication. If the way ahead seem long, remember to glance back now and again to see how far you've already come. Depression and anxiety are deep holes to climb out of, and you often feel there are no hands to help pull you out. But that is what a husband is for. Have you explained to him that you are drained from your experiences of the last six months, but that you are trying very hard to carve out some emotion for you and him? Let him know that you are dedicated to the road you two are on together. And let him help, even in little ways that may seem somewhat insignificant. Men are most often doers by nature. He wants to do something to fix something, even something tiny. Give him something, anything. And then thank him for it, even if it seems silly.

Is there any small thing he could do to make your day easier, to make it one ounce less tiresome to just get through one more day?

Quote:
Dead up right about about me. I have very low self esteme. I have always thought, and I've even told him, that he deserves someone better...more suited to hapiness. I have actually apologized for bewitching him into the marriage! These are low days types of thinking.


I think most of us here have suffered from low self esteem from one cause or another. Somehow we have come to live in a society that does not teach us how to love ourselves. And so it becomes impossible to love the people we married. We sink into feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. It doesn't have to be that way. But you have to demand more from yourself. You have to recognize self-defeating thoughts for the lies they are. And it's damn difficult. I know; my world is rife with moments of "I should let him go because he deserves better" and "I'm an awful wife, no wonder he doesn't want me."

You have to name the lie (I am worthless) and replace it with the truth (I am a beautiful person deserving of love), out loud and as boldly as though you believe it. And if you can do that, you can learn to really believe it.

Quote:
I just can't seem to hold onto O.K. for long.....


One day at a time. And if that's too much then one hour, one minute if necessary. Declare that the next five minutes belong to you and that you are going to be happy for them. Then take a few more. It can get better.

Sorry it took so long to find you.


undefeated 24
H 24
S's 4, 2, 1
M 5 yrs

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie

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