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I am brand new to this site. My bomb was dropped about six months ago with my 41 yr old husband announcing to me that he has a new friend at work (23 yr. old recovering alcohlic and addict) and then soon to be followed by the ILYBNILWYA speech. Since then, he is hardly ever home, lies about where he's been, adamantly denies a PA but admits to a EA. We have been married 19 years with three amazing teenagers. Our marriage was good and strong in many ways. Now he is discussing separation and divorce and trying to convince me we were never meant to be together, so therefore divorce would be good for both of us and the kids. I am devestated and broken hearted.
Sometimes we make progress... but then he does something that upsets me so much that I "react" - get upset, yell, cry, etc. and this always pushes him further away. I know I shouldn't do it, but it is so hurtful and I am still so blindsided that I can't seem to stop... any suggestions for how to change this behavior and become more detached? Thanks so much!

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well rocked, something to try would be... AGREE with him.

It's probably the only thing you haven't done so far (I could be wrong).

When he says that we were never meant to be together, tell him in a backwards kind of way where you seem like you're starting to question your own original views on this.

The next time he discusses the separation/divorce and tries to convince you that you were never meant to be, don't explode at him, do the oppposite, go quiet, pause for several seconds and then say..."... maybe you're right".

Agree with him.

Yes it sounds like we're playing a game, and this is all a big game, that's how I view this, once you learn the rules you get better at the game.

He's trying to convince you so much of this, let go of the struggle. Pretend to agree with him.

The next time you're at home together, I want you to get all dolled up, makeup, hair, clothes, shoes, the whole bit and I want you to make it look like you're going out on a date. Seriously, you could take a drive to the far side of town and go to a movie or go visit a friend you haven't seen forever or drive to the next state or rent a hotel room somewhere and spend the bulk of the evening and return late at night, 2 or 3 am in the morning.

If he asks where you are going, you tell him you're going out.
If he asks again, out with a new friend. You don't have to tell him it's a girl friend or guy friend, just out.

The next time he brings up the separation, tell him that he's absolutely right and offer to help move him out.

You have to make it look like he's been holding you back and that it's time for you to spread your wings. You have to act like the walk away wife that you read so much about on these forums - that's what will prompt him to act differently. Fear of loss/crisis is the only real way to get him to react differently. If he starts believing that you're done with the marriage and you are starting to date other men, it will send his thought process for a loop.

Currently he's calling the shot, making the decisions and you're struggling with all of this and you're against it. Stop struggling, agree with him when he says that separation/divorce is the thing to do, agree with him that you weren't meant to be.

Start going out regularly, start looking better, acting confident and on top of the world, dress better, work out, even go tanning if you're able to, get a new hairstyle, new perfume, something younger and different, get a makeover at the cosmetics counter, start investing resources in you and not him.

When you stop fighting with him and start agreeing with him, his feelings won't be against you, we go against those that go against us. When you start agreeing with him and then start planning to go out regularly without telling him where you are going, you will add mystery to the mix, his brain will start formulating possible ideas as to why you are acting this way.

We want what we don't have - basic human nature.
He has you pretty easily, that's why in his mind, your value isn't as high. We don't appreciate what we do have, things that we have easily because those things don't draw attention - he doesn't appreciate you, he has you easily.

You agree with him on the separation & divorce, you agree with him on not being meant for each other. You start going out regularly and make yourself unavailable to him. You start limiting your contact and communication with him. You stay out late without calling and come home late at night.

You turn this around, you put the possible fear of loss in his mind and he will begin to reconsider his position because it's at that point, he's getting what he wanted and it won't turn out the way he expected. He expects you to struggle against this, let go of the rope, stop pulling him towards you, create some space.

Good luck, if you try any of this, journal what happens here so you have a record of what's going on. One other piece of advice, patience. It took you a while to get into this mess, and it will take you a while to get out of this mess: slow & steady. In this db'ing game, slow is fast, fast is slow.

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I disagee with ageeing with him. But, I do think you need to allow him to have his feelings, and validate them. So, you say, "I understand", "I'm sorry", etc. He needs to feel that you will "allow" him his feelings, and realize their validity.

I also don't agree with making it look like you are doing things. But I do agree with getting a life. Which could well mean that you go out alone, without telling him where. That you do try to look good, for yourself.

Do what you do for yourself. Not with an eye towards manipulating him. (There are people who will disagree with that point of view, and there may be times where it is appropriate.) I believe in being a better copy of you. And, yes, that better copy probably has some mystery attached. But that better copy isn't trying to manipulate. That better copy is happy when she gets home, whether he seems to care of not, because it doesn't matter to her! She is living her own life.

Read DR. Look at the tools in there, and see where you can apply them!

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((rocked))

It is so hard to keep a positive mental attitude when you're hurting, but it's really important. GALing is HUGE. Even when your marriage is going well! Get out, do stuff. When he is around, be upbeat.

Dusk

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Thanks for your replies. We actually had a huge development last night. He told me he has cut off contact with OW and is willing to come for counselling with me. BUT... I am not naive and I will need to see that this actually happens. And, he says he is still struggling with believing we were ever meant to be together or that we can be happy together.
I have read DR and am trying to apply the principles. It has been so hard, but I am trying. I have already done a lot - I lost 30 pounds, got new clothes, new hairstyle, etc. He didn't even really notice, or care. But the other aspects of GALing I need to do. I have been far too available. And, it is true that I need to stop fighting where he is coming from. It is the emotional disengagement part that is so hard, because I have been hurting, feeling rejected and betrayed... I think I am getting there though, feeling stronger. Time to GAL!

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Originally Posted By: rockedworld
I think I am getting there though, feeling stronger. Time to GAL!

That's awesome news smile


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
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It helps me to remember that my W isn't quite herself. She is hurt and afraid after years of trying w/ a H who wouldn't listen. Don't blame, but realize that your H has talked himself into something you feel is not in his or your family's best interest. In that way you CAN agree w/ him. You don't have to agree w/ his choices but show that you understand.

Agreeing with someone stops them from putting up a wall against all the feelings you want them to feel.

Counseling is a huge step forward. Congratulations! I wish I could get to that point. I hope you can make the most of it.


~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
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The emotional detachment is the hardest part, Im in the same place, trying..thinking i was then realizing I wasnt. Good luck with the counseling! That is a great development.

Dusk

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Yes, definitely encouraging but I am remembering there is a long way to go! I am struggling with remaining detached for my own self preservation and not letting myself jump right back in emotionally because of this little sign of hope...

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Anybody have thoughts on how much a I should ask of H to be able to know for sure that contact is cut off with OW? Of course I am going to suspect they will have a hard time letting go. Do I just totally leave it alone and trust (which of course is impossible given that trust has been broken) or ask for some signs of accountability? What do you think? Do I just "act as if" and GAL?

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