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#1794116 07/03/09 05:34 PM
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Well, I guess my original blog was locked and so here I am starting a new one....In a way it was interesting.......bc really I am no longer "confused and wanting to do something". What a totaly change for me! Just want to be me!

Kenn, I know. My H is leaving.....really has already left me. Sometimes, I still have some moments where I want to hope. Its almost worst bc he does care and is concerned about my well being.....but, it doesn't change why and the fact that he is Ding me! Its good to hear that I am doing better and its showing to others that I am being more true to myself these days! Thank you for that.

I am really busy these days and I thank all of you for your wishes for my first day of work. It wasnt perfect but I made it thru my first 2 days. Can't seem to type properly on this site today and so will try again later...maybe there is a glitch in the matrix right now!!


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794138 07/03/09 06:01 PM
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WooHoo Orchid... a new thread!

Hope your job is going as well as can be expected. The newness will wear off shortly, and it will start feeling familiar. New apt, new job, new friends, new Magnificent Orchid!!

What are you doing for the weekend?

MJ

mlj #1794304 07/04/09 12:50 AM
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Hey MJ,

Well, today turned out to be more difficult than I had planned. Its the first time I have had a moment to breathe in a while and when I stopped I found myself drifting to my H and my M. Around 3pm, I just wanted to sign the D papers and mail them out and be done with the whole thing! I am learning to not act on impulses and any sudden mood changes I feel. Who knows what is going on in my head.

I thought I would get a head start on some of the work I have....but, couldn't get myself to do it and now its almost 8pm and I find myself feeling sad and a bit lonely.

I don't have anything planned really for this weekend. I think I may just go in to work for a few hours to just get out and get some work done. We will see. There is a heat advisory all weekend as its in the 100s again. So, not sure what I will do. I don't want to go to the fireworks alone and ALL my co-workers are married! Isn't that just crazy?????? Good and I am happy for them, but it makes me feel a bit out of the group.

But, no worries, I do have plenty of things to do. Tonight - Before going to bed - I will make a plan for tomorrow so I'm not just flailing around. New day!

And thanks MJ....yup, its a whole new world and a new me these days! Life is moving on...


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794498 07/04/09 01:46 PM
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Journalling.....

Ok...so I woke up to his text msg this morning. He has been texting and calling me almost every day since he left. I thought he said he needed space. I thought he doesn't want to worry about anyone. I txt msg him back to say that I have everything under control. I wish he would just leave me alone and work on himself. Its so easy to worry and try to change me! I know he is concerned as I start my new job, but really, I will manage. I find myself angry and just wanting him to go away. He is away, I know, but its like he is just present enough.

The more I think on it this morning, the more I am realizing nothing is changing. He is continuing on being my "helper" or "father" or whatever god awful thing he wants to call it. He is worried just like he would worry about any friend. UM...but, I have never seen him worry about anyone like this before. Whatever.

Its such a game. I will not get sucked into his warped world. I will do my best to aleviate his concerns about me at work, so we can end this shallow checking up on me business.

And otherwise continue to be evasive...Its like I want him to call or text, but not like this.....like my H....not like this, to make himself feel like he is really there for me. We both know he is NOT! Its frustrating. But, I will not react to his behaviour. I will not be swayed from my goals by his actions. I am my own entity and I have my own life I have to live!


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794501 07/04/09 02:00 PM
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And.......I am really thinking of signing those D papers. This is the second time I have had that feeling. He says he needs that to happen for him to "feel" a break from me. And I also want a new start. This is not how I would begin this "start". On the other hand, maybe this will be a good break for both of us. Its the 4th of July.......Both of our independance......and lets see if we make it back to each other. If so, great. If not, life will go on....why prolong this inevitability.

And if he is just saying that to let me off easy....there is nothing easy about this. He is not coming back......I know it. The M I had is and has been gone. Why prolong this and have it lying over my head every day. I have so much stuff going on and this is just added stuff. I dont know. I don't know.

Any thoughts anyone?


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794502 07/04/09 02:02 PM
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hi orchid -

sounds like you're doing well. When H sends a text or leaves a message, how much time do you give it before responding? Just curious and wonder if you might want to delay your responses further to demonstrate that you are busy and getting along OK.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to disconnect. If he did, he wouldn't be contacting you daily. And because he hasn't shown this degree of concern for other friends tells you that this sitch is different. You have to decide how to handle the contacts because I know you don't want to push him away but you want him to act like your H not just a friend.

Food for thought... by building a strong friendship with your H you may lay the groundwork for more at a later time. Also, are you sure he's just checking in to make himself feel like he's really there for you, or is that your assumption? If so, maybe there are other reasons for checking in that you don't yet understand? Just something to think about...

Hugs!

mnt_dreams #1794720 07/04/09 10:49 PM
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Can anyone help? H said to me that if I agree to the settlement, I do not have to show up for the divorce hearing. Is this true?


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794785 07/05/09 03:21 AM
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Journalling.........I signed the divorce papers today. Its been a hard day. At the end of the day, I have stayed true to myself. He wants this "formal" break. He wants 6 months away. He wants to try again by next April.

What do I want? I want this crazyness to be over. I want to not ever put myself in a position where I trust anyone to this extent - ever again. My mistake this time. I will not do this again. I want to rely on myself and my R can adjunct who I am and where I am going. I decided to just let him go. I have already done this somewhat. And I am tired of this hovering over my head. Every day, I know its just one day closer to D day. I just don't want to feel that feeling anymore. What am I waiting for? H is NOT changing his mind. He already admitted he is realizing he may be having a MLC. Well ok...........go, have your MLC. Hopefully, I will still be around when you figure it out and want to come back.

He hasn't been with me for so long...that I can't even remember my day to day life with him. I don't know if its the "right" decision, but knowing him and his impulsiveness added to his stubborn-ness, I know its the right decision if we are ever to have a chance. I just wish I could turn off the water works today.

I know its just a paper. I know it but somehow it is just so much more today. I know I will be ok - with or without him. I just feel a real sense of loss again. I am so tired of that feeling.....it just keeps coming back. These days need to end. This is one way to just be done with it.

For me, I no longer want the word M to be an excuse for him. If he chooses to not come back or if by then I will have lost my patience, its a consequence I will just have to accept.


Me: 35 , H - 38
M: 3.5 yrs
R: 8 yrs
Separated: 4/28/09
Divorced: 9/11/09
orchid01 #1794791 07/05/09 03:46 AM
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Orchid,
Sounds like one sad, painful day. I'm sorry.

Originally Posted By: orchid01
He hasn't been with me for so long...that I can't even remember my day to day life with him.


I'm with you. I'm there myself. Feels more empty than sad.

Originally Posted By: ochid01
I just feel a real sense of loss again. I am so tired of that feeling.....it just keeps coming back.


And it's exhausting, isn't it?

Again, I'm sorry. No magic words. Just soryy.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


Gardener #1794803 07/05/09 04:30 AM
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Sorry to hear you've had such a rough emotional day. In WI, anyway whoever files for D (Petitioner) has to show up for the D hearing.

Hope tomorrow is better for you, ((orchid1))


Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
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