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My wife and I have been married for 12 years. She had struggled with depression in the past and this April decided that she wanted a new life. We have a 4 year old daughter and we were in the middle of an adoption for a 1yo daughter and life was good in my eyes. We spent lots of time together and talked a lot.

She left to try a relationship with an old BF and was planning on moving to another state. They had some conversations on line and she believed that he was her soul mate.

I mostly have given her space. I believe deep down she loves me but the responsibilities of life and the normal routine combined with a new romance and the choice for her seemed clear.

Her relationship with the other man did not work out, and she moved directly into another relationship, that one was not working out either so she moved into another dating situation.

Many of the things she has done are very MLC. I love her and believe I know her soul and that she is a wonderful person, the hard part is nobody, not even her, knows where this is going to go.

She called me about a month ago and asked if she could wear her wedding rings and try again. I said that I would be willing to do that. She wanted to go to counseling and try to make it work. She told me how messed up her life was and how she had no idea what reality is. She loved me and missed me and that I am still her best friend.

Two days went by and she said “I will just cheat on you again.” I know this is because the OM came back into the picture for a little bit. So I know she is not really over him. She knows she should be, but is not. I again gave her space and time and was just polite.

The other night I told her that I was not going to keep doing favors for her if she is unwilling to do any for me. I said friendship is a two way boat. She said she was sorry and that has started a new “connection” phase.

So the last week she has started texting more and has asked me and the girls out to dinner. She cried when she said goodbye to my daughter that I am adopting. She has been open and honest about trying to get her life straight and has gone out of her way to bring me stuff when I was sick.

She is back on her medication and is seeing a counselor. Our divorce has had all the paper work filled out and she has signed the papers. I am going to the last parenting class tomorrow and then the judge will make everything final.

I think that she misses romance and the butterfly feelings of a new love. She tells me all the time now she feels like an 18yo in a 31yo body. She is gorgeous and has no problem getting attention from guys. She thrives on the attention and is now trying to decide what her life should look like. Every time we talk or see each other I know she is hoping to feel the butterfly’s so she can come back, but when they are not there she just gets confused.

I know how to be romantic; I know I could get those feelings in her again. But would that really work? Would it be a short term thing? The confidence and happiness needs to come from her. So that is where I am confused. I know she loves me she just is not sure who she is. When she left she just wanted a completely new life of bars, parties and boys.

What do I do at this point? Do I start making an effort to ask her out? Do I start with a romance faze?

Thanks!


Me 33
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Married 12 years
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Originally Posted By: LiveToLearn
Do I start with a romance faze?


No, you go back to a DETACHMENT phase, and then if she ever asks you to take her back again, you do so with BOUNDARIES and CONDITIONS.

Quote:
Two days went by and she said “I will just cheat on you again.” I know this is because the OM came back into the picture for a little bit. So I know she is not really over him. She knows she should be, but is not. I again gave her space and time and was just polite.


Why??! Because it worked so well the OTHER time(s)???!
crazy mad

A better answer would have been: "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear you say that. That wouldn't be acceptable to me. Would you be willing to be transparent with me, and get some good marriage counseling, so we can figure out a way to make this work this time? Because I'm NOT willing to live in an open marriage, I hope you know that."

You need to take a hard look at your relationship with her, and why you seem to be willing to be crapped on, and eagerly take her back again. You sound VERY co-dependent and needy. That's not attractive, and it's not healthy.

Have you ever read "Co-Dependent No More?" You might want to start there, along with "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I don't really see your case as a DBing one, or even an Infidelity one. I think this is more about YOU, and why you don't seem to be able to stick up for your own needs and healthy boundaries.

Puppy

Last edited by Puppy Dog Tails; 11/18/09 08:06 PM.
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Thanks puppy,

It is funny I am completly the oppisite with everyone else. Most of my life I was this way with my wife. The last year it shifted and it turned out bad. I do feel co-dependent for my wife.

I have started to look at that recently and I am not sure why I would let her do this to me, I guess since she was such a great wife for so long I guess I needed to stand by her side as she goes through this MLC stuff.

I hate to see our family split up. I am strong, I am confident, I also like to get my way. So I am struggling with fighting for my marriage and letting her make the biggest mistake of my familys life.

Her loss I know. When she told me she was going to cheat on me I said "Well know we know that will never work." Then I grabbed my stuff and said "have a goodnight". Then I did not talk to her again until she started doing nice gestures.

I am a strong personality so letting her walk on me is a 180... not sure if it is a good one frown

Thanks.


Me 33
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Married 12 years
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Divorced 12/17/09
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This may come across very insensitive, but no where in your thread have I noticed that you refered to yourself as a man. I looked carefully at the wording and realized that it could have been written by a woman.......especially when you said she went out with you and the girls. So, I'll just ask, are you a woman and that is why you told her that the two of you knew it would not work with her cheating with a Man?



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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WOW!
I did not see that one coming. Yes I am a man and when I spoke of going out with the girls I meant my daughters and I.

When I told her that "now i know that will never work." I was letting her know I was not interested in a relationship were she would be cheating on me. That was enough for me to leave.

I have read alot about MLC and I know that she is having feeling and emotions that are sort of out of her control.

ughh.


Me 33
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This stands out:

Originally Posted By: LiveToLearn
"now i know that will never work."


Quote:
"I am not interested in a relationship with someone cheating on me."


The way you say it to us is the way you should say it to her. This is a healthy boundary.

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I agree! be clear be short and get the point across. I think I did that. She has been differant since.

I talked to her a couple nights ago and she said "That is where I want to get to."

I have not been pressuring her or giving her suggestions but listening to her. I think this is working. She is so confused, I need to be consistant.

She is using me as a friend and I know that. Sometimes I feel she is getting her cake and eating it too. At other times I feel like I am building my half of the bridge. The bridge that will eventually bring us back together.

She does small things also, I would not do this if it was one sided and I have told her that.

We still talk almost daily even if it is just for a minute or two while I tell my daughter good night.

She is a wonderfull person and is just really confused the fog of the affair is fading and she is unsure what the fallout from that is.

Any advice on how to proceed with her as she just starts to see the damage she has caused and is trying to decide if cleaning up the mess is worth it.

So far I have had slow steady success, and I believe that if we keep this path that we have a 50/50 chance and that is not all bad. Not as good as I would like and I am always willing to try something new but I also want to keep with what is working.

We have come a long way in the last 3 weeks.


Me 33
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Quote:
I am strong, I am confident, I also like to get my way. So I am struggling with fighting for my marriage and letting her make the biggest mistake of my familys life.



Do a little research. Strong confident men are attractive to women. So, when a strong, confident man is fighting for his marriage, the woman views it (and her view is what counts) as WEAKNESS (which is NOT attractive)

Have you ever noticed that strong, confident men usually always have a woman that is considered "hot"? Usually the woman does a lot of the chasing? Ever noticed that reality with those types of men/women relationships?

You see, one of the things that many men "miss" on this site is that when a woman is feeling those "romantic and in love feelings" is when she is dating "up" or involved with a man who allows HER to do much of the pursuing and chasing. Now women will tell you they would prefer to be chased, but have you noticed that really isn't the true reality? That when they are chased by a man that they usually back off? (and YOU are another case in point right now)


The key is to know how to pursue and yet allow her to pursue.
You HAVE to let her "feel" (women go by feelngs) that you KNOW that you deserve and will not accept anything less than a woman who WANTS to be with you and will be exclusive with you.
She needs to "feel" that you will accept nothing less.

You ARE accepting something less. Don't you see that you are pursuing a woman who even tells you she can't be faithful? You should be calling her bluff as if you have a straight flush. As a strong and confident man this is the reason you have lost your mojo. You don't have the "confidence" to tell her NO, this is unacceptable and I don't want a woman like that. End of story.


My answer to you is different than what you will usullay hear on this site, but one I have seen work far better again and again and again...

Your 180 is to show her in no uncertain terms that you really have LOST interest in her. That SHE isn't worth YOUR love and time. This will then be perceived as strong and confident. You are not mean to her or punitive, but just casual and "oh well, this isn't working and not what I want or am looking for"


She THEN either HAS to chase you, which causes her romantic feelings to start COMING back or it is over anyway. (so what have you really lost?) Confident men are WILLING to risk it all for the sake of their self esteem.


Now. The psychology behind this is interesting...

She has low self esteem or she wouldn't need all that attention she seems to cry out for. Since she has low self esteem she subconciously thinks this.. "if I don't really love myself and can't be faithful then there MUST be something wrong with HIM (meaning you) to want me when I don't even love myself.....She looks DOWN on you for wanting her because she doesn't even LOVE herself. So she subconciously looks down on you and can't feel those correct feelings because YOU put up with her. This is why you need for HER to chase you so that she feels she is dating UP.


The guy who ends up winning her will be the one who shows these traits. The others will go by the wayside. She secretly WANTS to be faithful, however she won't be able to do it until she finds a man who won't put up with anything less. She will then want to PROVE to that man how faithful she can be.


Show her the man that you told us you are. STRONG AND CONFIDENT. Stong and confident is willing to risk the whole ball of wax to win the prize because he accepts nothing less.


Last edited by gucci loafer; 11/21/09 10:58 AM.
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Quote:
She has low self esteem or she wouldn't need all that attention she seems to cry out for. Since she has low self esteem she subconciously thinks this.. "if I don't really love myself and can't be faithful then there MUST be something wrong with HIM (meaning you) to want me when I don't even love myself.....She looks DOWN on you for wanting her because she doesn't even LOVE herself. So she subconciously looks down on you and can't feel those correct feelings because YOU put up with her. This is why you need for HER to chase you so that she feels she is dating UP.


stop and think about this.

Quote:
She secretly WANTS to be faithful, however she won't be able to do it until she finds a man who won't put up with anything less.


listen, you aren't dealing with a man . You need to understand what a woman needs in a mate.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Quote:
WOW!
I did not see that one coming. Yes I am a man and when I spoke of going out with the girls I meant my daughters and I.


Bet that is a first, huh? blush I did not mean to offend, but did not know how to ask accept to just come out with it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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