Hi guys, It seems like marriage has been hell to her. I don't know why but by the way she acts, I can tell that's the way she feels. I had an affair, once! We moved on, I ended the affair. Recently she has brought it back. Whenever we had a fight, she mentions it, like I am an a**hole who sabotaged the marriage. I found out she had an affair too. I haven't talked to her about this. What should I do?
Hi guys, It seems like marriage has been hell to her. I don't know why but by the way she acts, I can tell that's the way she feels. I had an affair, once! We moved on, I ended the affair. Recently she has brought it back. Whenever we had a fight, she mentions it, like I am an a**hole who sabotaged the marriage. I found out she had an affair too. I haven't talked to her about this. What should I do?
Please give us some details like your ages, length of marriage, children and ages, etc.
As for your affair, you saying "Once!" is indicative to me, of you not seeing how much it can fracture or break a marriage.
And the break and damage is not always all at once.
If you know for sure that she has had one, then get in a good frame of mind to ask her about it.
Not angrily! You cannot judge her or read her mind.
Ask with the idea that you want to understand its' significance. Clearly she did not get past yours and perhaps that's because you did not provide transparency or act remorseful. Maybe hers was a revenge affair OR maybe she is emotionally connected to this OM.
Again, if you do not know for sure, do not assume. And do not read her mind and say the marriage has been hell to her if she has not said that.
Even if she did say it, we often say things we only mean in that moment or don't mean even then.
Are there other issues in the m that she has complained of? And how long ago was your affair?
Why did you end it and how?
And finally, do you have any of the divorce busting books? Divorce Busting is the first one but the Divorce Remedy is - in my opinion, a second edition and a little better.
DR gives more tools but Div busting book gives more insights about the damage of a divorce.
So if you are on the fence about what divorce means, get the first one or read them both.
Keep posting! Things CAN turn around. And hiring a DB coach was extremely helpful to me. They are specific in their advice and that gives needed feedback about what works and what doesn't.
BTW, doing what works seems obvious, but many of us have engaged in behaviors we have justified and even in the face of failure, we keep at it!
Cheeseless tunnels - b/c we feel "right" to do or feel what we do or feel.
Its not about being right, it's about saving your marriage.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
