Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
A
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
A
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
Hello everyone, I’m new to this site and I was hoping you all could help guide me in this time of crisis. I have read most of Michele’s book; I’m familiar with the 180, GAL, and the last chance technique. I’m going to be as honest as I possibly can and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and offer up any kind of help or advice.


Detailed/Long Version
History:
My wife and I have been together since we were 17, we’re 28 now. We have two kids. Throughout our relationship we have both made plenty of mistakes…mine came early in our relationship, hers seemed to come later on. I left her and our newborn baby to go away to college when I was 18. While I was there for a year, I cheated on her multiple times. Throughout our relationship she has always worked and provided for us financially and I went to school. I took her for granted most of the time, I put my needs before hers, and I placed almost the entire burden on her, hardly helping with the kids or the house. I was far from the perfect husband and I truly regret that. She has always been there for me, when my mom and dad pasted away. I’ve always suffered from depression and I wasn’t motivated to do anything…I was just “there”. But I did (and still do) truly love her unconditionally. I suppose that’s what has always held us together.
On her end, she’s always suffered from severe mood swings (I think she could be bipolar), this has always made our relationship difficult. She comes from an abusive family…her brother sexually molested her when she was younger, her mother left her family to be with another man, her father raised her and basically used her as his personal slave. She has always had deep emotional issues…issues that she still hasn’t dealt with. She’s been very easily influenced by other people, especially her friends. A year after we got married we hit a low point in our marriage(6 years ago), while she was pregnant with our 2nd child, she had an emotional affair/phone sex relationship with a married man (who one of her friends hooked her up with). After I discovered this EA, we started over. She quit her job, let go of her toxic friend, she saw a therapist and got on anti-depressants. I felt like she had truly learned from her mistakes and changed. She was the perfect mother and wife, her mood swings were gone, we never fought, our love seemed to grow, and our sex life was amazing…things were the best they had ever been.
Than a little over a year ago she got a job as a bartender and all those changes seemed to slowly disappear. We hit another low point in our marriage, I was basically a stay at home dad (and a lousy one), I was still unemployed and we had really bad financial problems, combine that we her new work environment and it was a recipe for disaster. She expressed to me that she was questioning whether or not we should be together. I suppose I took this as my wakeup call…one I sorely needed. I asked her to give our marriage a chance and I would do whatever it took to make her happy and take some of the burden off her, she agreed. So I began to reflect on everything I had done wrong and I attempted to make a real change. I started doing everything around the house, laundry, cleaning, taking care of the kids. A few weeks later I found a great paying job (oil pipeline) out of state. During this time I was so happy to finally be doing my part instead of just coasting by, it was an amazing feeling. But sadly, I knew something wasn’t right. Nothing I did seemed to impact her feelings towards me. While I was living out of state working 80 hours a week, she hardly called me or even missed me. I knew something was up, in the past all of my efforts would have made her the happiest girl in the world. After a few weeks of me working there, I finally confronted her and she eventually admitted that she was seeing another man…my heart shattered. She had lied about giving us a chance.

Her Affair:
I eventually I got all of the info out of her. The guy she was seeing was married and had two kids (one was a newborn), he was a regular bar customer and he was very successful. They had been talking at her bar for the past month (while his wife was pregnant) and when I was working out of state she took him up on his offer to go out. They had gone on 3 dates and basically did everything besides sex. He wanted to get a hotel but she declined, instead they just used his car. After all the info was out, she agreed to end it and I believe she tried. But he continued to pursue her and she eventually gave in to temptation again. I installed gps on her cellphone and after a few weeks I caught her in a lie. She said she was at work, but the gps showed she was at a restaurant. When she got home, I confronted her. She lied, but then eventually admitted to going out to dinner with him. That night I kicked her out of the house, I told her I loved her and I hoped he made her happy. The following day, I did some research online and found about 10 possible addresses for him (he had a very common name). After about the 3rd address I found his house and talked to his wife. I told her everything. She kicked him out. That night using my gps, I tracked her and him to a hotel. She wouldn’t come out and the hotel called the police on me. The police talked to my wife, she told them to tell me to go home. This was probably the worst night of my life. That night after I left, she had sex with him. The next morning her lover left her and ran back to his wife…they haven’t talked since.
Post Affair:
After being used by the OM, my wife’s self-worth was shattered and her fantasy bubble had burst. This man who she gave everything up for, who made her feel so special, had simply just used her to have sex with, then threw her away. Next day, she went to the police department and made a police report saying I threw her out of the house and threatened to kill her (she was affair I’d take the kids from her so she thought she’d make a police report), a cop escorted her to our house and she collected her belongings and left. At this point, my wife moved into her dads and I was at home taking care of the kids. After about 3 weeks, we talked and I agreed to give things a chance and let her move back in. I finally got a great job…but this was short lived. Remember that police report, well they decided to charge me with assault and battery. My new employer was forced to let me go (chargers were eventually dropped). Anyhow, all of her love and feelings for me had returned, she hated herself for what she had done, but I still felt like she wasn’t doing enough. I felt like she wasn’t truly remorseful, that she wasn’t doing everything in her power to make up for what she had done, I was so consumed by anger and pain. I would constantly lash out at her, call her a wh0re. I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I was so happy to have her back, the next I was disgusted by her. I just couldn’t let go of what she had done and made her pay for it on a daily basis. Eventually I reached my breaking point one night…I was being mean to her trying to get a reaction…she threw the affair in my face and I snapped. I smacked her in the face and gave her a fat bloody lip. To this day I hate myself for losing control and hitting her. Well about 5 months after her affair she had finally had enough, she once again detached. She told me that she didn’t want to be with me, that she “loved me, but wasn’t in love with me”. She was still living at in our home and I was trying to do the 180 in an attempt to win her back for a second time (seems like a constant vicious cycle doesn’t it). One night, I took her and her friend out to the bar…while drunk, her friend confessed to me that her and my wife fooled around with each other using a dildo about 2 years ago (she thought I knew). My wife was standing next to us and heard her tell me, her stomach dropped. Fast forward 30 minutes later, and I find my wife drunk and naked in the bar bathroom fooling around with her girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it?! I drove them home, didn’t say a word to my wife that night or the next day. The following night she went out with her friend and ended up staying the night at a guy’s house (claims she didn’t do anything). When I found out, I packed all of her clothes up garbage bags and threw them on the front lawn. So for two months, she lived at her dads again…but would regularly come home and stay. She was basically enjoying the freedom of not being at home, but would come over when it was convenient for her. She was still working at her bar and acting like a single 20 year old kid. Things were hard on me, taking care of our two kids alone…I was still unemployed and relied on her for money. So I wrote her a letter, basically forgiving her for what she had done. I told her we had two options, 1. We start the divorce process and I wanted zero contact with her unless it was concerning our kids. 2. She moved back in and gave our marriage a real chance, we go to marriage counseling, she see a therapist on her own, she stops going to bars, etc. Well I let her think about this for a week and she was having a hard time deciding. One of these nights, she was once again at the bar with one of her friends…she told me she loved me. Well that night she went with her friend to a guy’s house, she ended up making out with a guy and staying the night. The next morning she admitted this to me. More pain I get to deal with. But after a week, we talk and decided on terms for her moving back in. No talking about relationship stuff, take things slow, no going to bars or drinking, be honest and open to one another, see a MC. Well she moved back in…that brings us to the present.
Present time:
She’s been living her for the past month and I’ve begun to regret my decision. Things have just been getting worse and worse. In the beginning, I was fine. I was basically doing my version of the 180, keeping busy, being a good dad, not talking about our relationship…all the while treating her with love and affection. Well after weeks of that love and affection not being returned, it began to wear me down…and I’ve started to express my anger and have talked about our relationship. I’m starting to realize that perhaps I just don’t have the patience for this to work. I have done everything in an attempt to fix things on my end. I have apologized for all the years I didn’t carry my weight, I’ve been a great father to our kids, I take care of everything around the house, I have a full time job now…but none of that seems to have any kind of impact on her. She’s still cold and distant, and isn’t really giving us a chance. She says that she can’t help how she feels, she thinks my changes are temporary; she says there’s too much pain and resentment in our past. I feel like she’s put me through hell this past year and I’ve fought for us, I’ve given her another chance to make things work…and she’s ungrateful. I feel like working at the bar has completely changed her, she’s not the women I fell in love with anymore. I feel like as long as she’s working there, nothing will change. I think she’s still interested in the thought of being with other men, she has zero desire for me…she says that I’m just a “hole” for her, because I always want to have sex and she doesn’t. She shows me no love or respect. This past week has been the worse. After reading online I decided that the only chance I have of saving our marriage and waking her up is to completely do the 180/GAL. Up till this point, I have done them…but after I start seeing positive results from her, I stop. I haven’t been consistent. I want to treat her with love and affection; I don’t want to play games. But sadly women seem to want what they can’t have and me wanting her while she doesn’t want me just makes me look unattractive in her eyes. This past week, she’s been sleeping on the couch and I’ve been sticking to the 180. I’ve told her that I agree with her, that I can’t keep living like this. I told her I’m sorry for asking her to comeback, but I think it’d be best if she just left and we both moved on. All week she’s been asking me about this beautiful girl on facebook who keeps commenting on my pictures. Well last night, I told her I was going out on a date with this girl (even though I wasn’t). I know I just said I hate games, but I suppose I’m getting desperate. My wife initially acted upset about me going out on this “date”, but she didn’t try to stop me, she didn’t text or call me all night, it’s like she didn’t care? I wanted this to be a wakeup call, for her to realize that she’s losing me…but instead I just got to see how completely detached she’s become. After I got back last night, we got into a huge argument (I broke the 180). I was angry, threw her clothes out of the closet, and told her to leave…than we talked, and I told her she could stay. I’m a completely F’n mess! She’s to the point where she’ll leave if I want her too…but the truth is I don’t want her too. I want her to snap out of this and be the amazing wife and mother she used to be. I want to put all of this sh*t behind us and really truly start over. I want her to give us a real chance. But how do I get to that point? I honestly think the only way for her to come back and be that person, is for her to leave the bartending job…it’s a toxic environment and she’s completely transformed since working there. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy and save my family. SO how can I?

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
u
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.


Typical situation. She's going through a phase attempting to relive her 20's. Being in the bar environment and around and drinking alcohol, she's going to do as she see's.

Good luck. I think part of the process is going to be her discovering she has a family to take care of you included, and that what she is going through is all related to her working environment.

Her real prize is at home with you and the kids and she needs to take care of that. She's going to feel bad about what she's done if she ever faces it head on, but she will get over it and you will support her through it.

Sorry you are going through this. We all know it hurts like stakes being driven through the heart.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
You have to really consider what you are up against in her environment. Your pretty much going against her ego that she developed in her new environment.

She has likely DOZENS of people who will prop up her viewpoint going against you, a real voice of reason.

If she can come to grasp that people have been making this MISTAKE for hundreds and even thousands of years before she ever even thought of doing it, she might think again.

If you wake up after the devistation cause, any person would realize it was not worth it. Unless they have completely made life only about them ( alcohol will do that ), then they won't care and continue to spread devistation and destruction in their path.

I'm glad you realized it was simply the environment that you are up against.

What a devistating story. She's done alot of acts that are hard to forgive.

Part of her recovery would be coming out of this environment and getting off the alcohol.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard