Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
Time for a new thread...maybe thats a sign.
Ive been dark for weeks with absolutely not a single baby step on his part to show for it but i think moderate baby steps on my part.
The hours of sobbing when im alone have almost become nonexsistent..
When i think of H i dont get that shock of not believing this is happening, well, not as bad....
At times i think, wth am i doing????... Why am i trying to figure out a person who doesnt want to be with me?????... Im not the oger hes made me out to be..as a matter of fact im a pretty good catch, smile. Still have some work but willing to do it!!
Unlike some people we know.....


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
I feel the same way...why spin my wheels over someone who has chosen something other than a life with me? I find that I'm motivated to detach and GAL more by this than by the thoughts of reconciliation.

At the end of the day, I suppose, the LBS's actions should and the outcome will be the same. The good part is that by being motivated by this I won't feel like a failure should he not return.

Perhaps saying "enough is enough", caring for ourselves, and leaving the door open just a wee crack is best?


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 659
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 659
Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth


Perhaps saying "enough is enough", caring for ourselves, and leaving the door open just a wee crack is best?


Don't forget: Weaving and bobbing. Sometimes we have to guess when there's an olive branch coming our way, and when it's just their ego that needs stroking.

Abs smile


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I see no olive branch coming anytime soon...he keeps saying he doesnt want it to be this way, us not speaking and not having any contact but then when i finally cave and try like i did xmas, inviting him to meet us for hot chocolate he says no...so how DOES he want it?????.....
Im so tired of the whole thing...im just continueing on how i have been...pretty dark, not even contacting about S14... I would if there was an emerg. situation but there hasnt been so no need.
The boys will be gone the next 4 days...S14 is spending weekend with H...so i will be alone new yrs eve, no plans..most friends will be out of town. Im ok with that really...not in the mood to celebrate. Just glad this yr is over!!!..looking forward to seeing what the new yr brings.

Attorney is supose to be sending H our support agreement to look over...she got his paystub and ran the numbers on the disomaster...it came out considerably more then he expects...he is going to stroke out when he sees the numbers. But he wanted this...and i refuse to feel bad for him. But fully expect to start getting calls to discuss it when he recieves them....man, i just want it over...


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
Originally Posted By: imthemom
he wanted this...and i refuse to feel bad for him.


Yup...he wanted this, and proper thing for you...DO NOT feel bad for him. Same thing and same sentiment for me. Anytime H and I had / have a discussion about finances, etc, (no kids, stepD20) I remind him that this is his choice. Shuts him right up.

Your H needs to fully understand the impact of his choices and accept that they are his and his alone. As long as you cave, this understanding will not happen. And until he understands, he absolutely will not learn. Unless someone understands how much they have lost they will not be motivated to change.

Sadly, though, the LBS may come to realize that their WAS no longer values the same things so does not feel their loss. For example, my H has not used his boat and has not fished or hunted, the three things he LOVES, since BD in August. As sD20 said, it's sad how much he threw away. AND H nad no interest in kids but OW has a young child. Unbelievable to me, but in my gut I know a hard rain's gonna fall on OW 'cause H doesn't want kids, especially someone else's. Whether H learns or not is another story. He's got a lot of growing up to do.

Remember the advice "believe none of what he says and half of what he does". When he says he doesn't want it to be this way, HE needs to make the effort to change things. You then determine whether his efforts are sincere and worthy of your consideration, whether he can be trusted.

Until then, let him (as I believe Snodderly says), let him flap in the wind. Don't focus on some olive branch that might or might not arrive. He doesn't know how he wants it. Quite frankly their foolishness gets boring. If he calls you about the support agreement ignore the calls. Leave it to the lawyers. Stick with the support guidelines. It'll only get complicated and emotional if you engage....keep it as business.

You honestly sound like you have a great attitude. 2011 has been, as they say, an epic fail, but I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a good year! It's up to us to make it that way.

All the best to you for the new year, stay strong, and keep your eye on the ball.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
Last night after H picked up S14 i decided to run to the chinese food place on the corner and grab some dinner to go..when i get there H and S14 are sitting there eating dinner also...i ordered my food and then sat there for prob15 minutes waiting and H did not look at me, say hello or even consider inviting me to sit while i waited...then, today i made a bag for S14 for new years eve, some noise makers and poppers, some of his fave sparkling cider and a hat that hes been wanting..H gave me support last night so i had a little cash...
I text H to see if he minded if i dropped it by. When i got there H yelled for S14 and left me standing on the front porch...S14 came to door, gave me a hug and i left.....
And this is the man that keeps saying he hates the way things are between us....i seriousely could slap him upside his head...he acts like a 15 yr old...


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 331
yup...just like a child...a rude one at that. In his mind you probably followed them there, which is an unfortunate presumption on his part.

Rise above it, ITM, and don't let it get to you. When his behaviour is worthy of your attention then give it some. Until then he's probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear, so let him stew in his misery.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
After all the rudeness..H text me around 6 and says..
I know im the last one you would call but if you need a ride tonight im avaiable...

I didnt go out last night but he didnt need to know that..and i didnt respond either, but WTH???????
I swear hes bipolar....


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 659
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 659
I don't think they know what to do with themselves. They think that simple one off gestures mean their trying. Men in A-mode in particular, seem wired that way.

Maybe next time try: I've got it covered, but thanks. Nothing more, nothing less.

It seems sometimes that we get so caught in the spin cycle that we don't know what to do with what used to be respectable behavior from our WAS's.

Best I can suggest is polite simple responses... even if you're mad as hell at him. Try those, it might lead to a that first grip hold that seems to be eluding the both of you. Even when he's being a right a/hole... just be polite.

Cheers
Abs


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 343
this is my dilemma abs..
I have decided and made it clear to H that I am not interested in having any kind of relationship other then parenting S14 as long as he is living the choices he has made.
As long as he is seeing the woman he decided to sleep with in our bed im not interested in being "friendly" and obviousely no matter what he says, neither is he.
I am civil and polite if neccesary...if not I just dont respond..im doing the dark think as best I can with S14 involved.
My outlook on it is this, He is pushing the D, it will be final in May...He has made it clear that he is not interested in working on any kind of reconcileation with me so what is the point of looking for attempts on his part at anything...and I dont understand that fact that he cant even be civil so the dark thing spares my feelings (so i keep telling myself but thats obviouse that is not true...i try)
I would love to be able to say that there has been glimpses of him comeing around but there has not been...as far as the OW, if we were divorced and he found a "girlfriend", well that would be different...but this woman slept with my H, in our bed, in our house that was obviousely a house that a woman was still partially living in...all my things for the most part were still there...and she had no problem setting up shop with her toothbrush. And obviousley he is to blame also as he had no problem bringing her into our former home and letting it happen.
I cant be friends with someone who continues to hurt me the way he does...
I dont know if that is rational...i just know its the best I can do right now. maybe with time I will feel different but for now I have a hard time even looking him in the eye without pictureing them together so I avoid having to do that at all cost.
I dont know what the text about giving me a ride was all about...i mean really??? we dont even speak and Im going to call you for a ride home after you presume ive been drinking...i dont think so...and he knew it...
He is confuseing to say the least and at best he is downright cruel to me so I dont know how to keep that door open, as much as I want to...i just dont know how...


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard