Oh man. My heart is breaking. He brought the papers back today. This morning was hard. but the afternoon went well, we laughed, I did his laundry, I made dinner, we had a good day. Then he took the dog to the beach and when he came back he brought the papers in. I saw them but ignored them. I just tried to stay calm and putter around the kitchen.
Then he said "theres no good time to do this, but heres the paperwork" I told him that I didnt want a divorce, especially while hes having an affair. I dont want to be replaced. Its so unfair. I love him so much, I asked him if he missed me, he said no (of course he said that, he has her) but he worries about me. I told him that I dont beleive its right to divorce without even trying and we cant try if his heart is somewhere else, he said he cant change where his heart is. (didnt seem to tough when he left me!)
He tried to leave the papers, but I took them out to him. I dont want to look at them. Our whole life lined out in little columns. I just texted him and told him that he could bring the papers back and we could talk about it. I dont know what to do. I really dont want to do anything drastic while hes having a PA. And I feel really strongly about that. But what am I asking him to come talk about then? Any suggestions on how to handle this will help me.
Just when I start to get my head back on straight it all falls in again. I thought we were having a good day.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Ive been thinking alot about this, and I really dont know what to do tomorrow. I know that he wants this quickly so he can have her but I really dont want to divorce, especially during an affair! I just feel so lost right now. I asked him what if they dont work out? He said thats life. I just want him to come home and we seem so far away from that. Is not looking at the papers going to make him hate me? Is it ok to tell him Ill look at them, and ask for more time? I just dont know.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Blue- I haven't followed your story totally, but I am going to chime in on a couple things.
First, when he does things that you don't understand, he is probably doing it to A: Relieve his guilt or B: To ensure that he exits your marriage as financially stable as possible. My C told me this about my XW, and at first I thought it was too simplistic, but in reality it is right on.
Blue, as hard as it is, you need to accept the papers from him with dignity. Begging and pleading puts you at a position of weakness and it is unattractive to him. No amount of logic or reaxon will work. It only cements his desire to leave.
The reality is that if he wants to push forward with the D, then he will. You need to accept that fact.
As far as what to do today, con't be there when he drops them off. Text him and say you lost track of time and he can just leave them. That way you can read them and react alone.
As hard as it is to believe, you will survive this. It wasn't too terribly long ago that I thought I couldn't live without my XW. If I can make it, anyone can.....
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Blue, as hard as it is, you need to accept the papers from him with dignity. Begging and pleading puts you at a position of weakness and it is unattractive to him. No amount of logic or reaxon will work. It only cements his desire to leave.
Amen, mc. Amen.
Painful? So much. Hurtful? So much? Heartwrenching to be 'replaced'? Beyond words.
But blue, you have to pick yourself up and take charge. Accept the papers. Absolutely NO more relationship talk, no talk of anything. Hire an atty to read the papers and secure yourself financially. YOU deserve so much more. Right now, your H isn't in a place to give you more. In fact, your behaviors (begging/pleading) is pushing him away even more. He might come back down the way, but not in this way. You are sealing his deal by the way you are acting.
Make a goal to accept the papers and hire an atty this week. Its not 'final' just because someone is reading them for you.
Head held high, take the papers. Do not give them back again. You can (if you so desire) tell your atty to stall, but ONLY your atty. No more stalling from you.
Something for you to think about.... Would anything be different to you if H suddenly quit the affair and gave you the papers? Why is the fact that he is in the middle of a PA mean so much? I guess I was the opposite. It was easier for me to think that he left for me another woman then to think that he just left me. I don't know why. Maybe because leaving for another woman is just so much more shocking.
He is going to do this even if you resist. Hold you head high and do what you need to do to take the high road.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I dont want to sign the papers right now because I dont think that hes thinking clearly. This is a huge decision to make and I think that it deserves careful thought, not just sweaty anxiety about when he can sleep with her legally.
When I told him that he needed to take the papers with them, I didnt want to read them, he asked if he needed to get a lawyer. Sorry babe, he cant make me sign them either.
Im going to look at them this afternoon. But I dont know if Im strong enough to go through with this. You have to sign them in front of the people at the courthouse. Oh my god, I dont want to do that!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Actually, he is trying to be nice about it. He could have you served, then you would have a certain amount of time to respond. It would end you up in the same place you are now, needing to hold your head up high and hire an attorney. Eventually you WILL have to sign in some states.
I am sorry, but you cannot force him to think rationally. You can just control yourself, you need to get control.
Have you read DB/DR?
Just accepting the papers from him will not make you divorced.
PS: My H and I are in mediation. We never have to go to court. We will meet privately with a judge in the family court center. No one else but the judge, my H, and myself will be there.
I did read DR, but I cant really use any of the advice but the 180s and LRT right now, and let me tell you, my going dark couldnt have made him happier. In Alaska you are uncontestedly D after 2 years of not legally living together.
The 180s are going well, yesterday (when I thought things were going so well) I know I caught his eye, I pretty sure he was looking at me "like that".
Oh Im not looking forward to this.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Are you doing any 180's just for you, not for H to notice??? The thing about 180's is they are initially forced, possibly to lure H's attention back. But subtly you will start to regain yourself, your confidence, your inner peace by doing things on your own. Fake it til you make it.
