The links to my sitch is posted below. In short my husband left for vacation in August still wanting badly to work things out, he came back a different man and not the compassionate, loving man that I have always known. I suspected that he had an affair or at the very least was contemplating it. I was right he was having and EA. They talk on IM and email each other everyday.He denies it and continues to although I have confronted him with some of the emails and conversations exchanged. She knows that he is married but he continues to lie and say we are nearing the end of our divorce (he hasn't even filed yet). Regardless of his lies she I still morally bankrupt to get involved with a married man.
In reading the post "you were all right...unfortunately" I noticed several others giving the advise to expose the affair. I haven't spoken with my DB coach about this possibility but I can't help but think that this could be the worst possible thing to do especially after all my DBing. I think it will enrage him and make him push for the divorce. Furthermore, I love this man dearly and do not want to publically shame him in front of his friends or his/my family. However, I don't see an end in sight for this EA.
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I don't know if I agree w/ the telling parents, kids, etc. about the A. I don't get how your H can continue to deny it even when you are confronting him w/ the emails, etc.
I think you are going to have to make a choice as to whether you are willing to stay w/ him if he is going to continue to have the A. You say you love him and you've done all this DB'ing, however, if he is continuing to cheat on you, you are going to have to decide if you can live w/ that. If you can't, then you may have to do some things that may make him angry and may ultimately push him away. You don't know how he is going to react or what he's going to do until you do certain things. You unfortunately can't have it both ways.
I would say confront him again, tell him you will not put up w/ his continued contact w/ her. Then you will need to make a decision as to whether to tell her that he is married. I would start there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
And there is this saying: In a couples fight none intrudes a spoon.
By exposing the A I don't nknow if you mean to do that for everyone.
What I mean by that is that you need to think about what happens if you can piece back. You will be fine with each other, but the others that took sides, and are not in your trust circle, can be uncomfortable.
Hopful, I am going to suggest that you read a book called "Marriage Under Cover". Very good book and it discusses the reasons not to 'out' your partner. I was able to find it at a Christian book store so yes its more or less faith based but its not a shove it in your face kind of book. It should help you out with the fact NOT to tell, just deal with it together.
He denies his EA. My telephone coach said I am giving her and the EA to much power. I know this is true at the same time what chance do we have if the EA continues. We have been getting along very well the last month, but bitting my tongue is continually getting harder. He was supposed to go to Greece on the 22nd but lost his passport. He seems to be under the impression that he can get it in a day from an online expeditor. Is this legal? If he does get it he will be seeing her this Saturday. His sister has turned against me and believes his lies so she won't do anything to stop their affair. Amazingly his father who didn't like me in the beginning is supporting me and wants us to be together. Hopefully he can talk some sense into his son. Sorry for the ranting. Should I try one last time to confront him and risk losing our progress?
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Sorry for so many posts, but I am losing my mind here. He has been in a hole for about the last two weeks and barely acknowledges me. Some have suggested I move back in. I desperately want to say something to him to at least remind him that I am still a human being for goodness sake.
I know that progress takes time, but we seem to be going backward. I have seen the success stories from those in peicing and DB success stories but no specifics. Specifically when they did talk what was said about yourself, spouse, OP.
I could really use some support here!!!
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 12/27/0708:18 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I am a success story, but I didn't do it by DBing. I did it by confronting and being direct. We were not separated. He was having his little affair and thinking he was getting away with it. I printed the cell phone bill and confronted him with it. I demanded that he stop the affair. He lied for a day, but the next day he admitted it and got a little more truthful. It didn't stop the affair right away. Two weeks later, when I saw that they were still talking daily, I gave my S24 the phone number and he called her. He told her he knew she was having an affair with his father and if she didn't stop it, he would come out there (to the west coast) and make her stop. She called my H and broke up with him that day. After that we still had trouble, but he no longer had the fantasy that he had somewhere else to go. So he was willing to try to work on the marriage. We went to Retrouvaille, a weekend marital retreat, http://www.helpourmarriage.org, and had a very good result to the weekend of working on the marriage. We continued with the Retrouvaille program, and we were changed. I don't think either of us will have an affair again, because now we understand how much pain they cause for everyone -- the person having the affair, the spouse, and the children. Oh yeah, and he was concerned about OW's pain too. Not that I cared.
