When thinking of my H's mcl and my actions in my own mlc, I believe they leave without looking back because they know if they look back they wont have the courage to go; they cant handle the pain of seeing the reaction to them leaving, in a way they know they are being irrational but the pull to flee is greater than their own will. It is greater than anything. Many truly want to stay but the crisis is pulling them to experience, to explore, to run. You know when you are a little kid and you think if I run fast enough ....I can fly? I believe on a spiritual level, there is some correlation there with development and the feeling of freedom of "flying".
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Mozza (who i thought seemed really cool and wise beyond his years)
Ha! I don't know if you'll ever read this, but thank you Arista! I have not read your entire story, but looking for mentions of my username after a long time away, I found your thread and I wanted you to know that I had read it and it made me all warm inside. There are a lot of cool people around here and a lot of wisdom. I grew a lot thanks to the support I got here. Now I'll try to deflate my head before someone IRL notices... Hope you're well!
Thanks for the update Maybell! There must have been something in the air because I also decided to come for a quick tour this week and I was pleased to know what's up with you. Making smart choices, as ever. I'm happy for you.
AnotherStander, I totally agree. Detachment is not something that I understood until I experienced it. And I can't say I've mastered it. Initially, I thought it was just a version of "going dark" or pulling back to get the WW to take notice.
It is something all relationships require to thrive. It is when we become too enmeshed that we become too reliant on another for the way we feel. Unhealthy. This applies to all relationships, IMO. To borrow from another, we should love in a way that each other feels free. Steve85 has often reminded us that we are to believe her actions more than their words. It's easy to try to decipher every little conversation while we forget that often they are struggling as well and words can be nothing more than defense mechanisms to combat whatever pain or struggle the W is experiencing. A way to push back. This in no way justifies their actions. I think I started to figure it out when I grew more comfortable with the idea that life without this MR wasn't the end of the world and in fact had its own benefits.
But there was this one time we had been drinking and stopped in a local Waffle House or whatever the h@ll it was at around 0300... the waitress was snooty to HQ and flirting with me which was as a very bad thing to do. Took all I had. Lol
Hey Reframe! I agree with Orange (and with you), she's just temp-checking. However, she -might- be starting to come out of the fog a little, that was probably a big step for her to apologize and express interest in dating. But like a drug addict, she's not ready to give up OM just yet. You were right to draw a line in the sand and tell her that's not acceptable.
Emotionally I'm back to obsessing over this, when I thought I was almost over it.
I think you'll find you cycle out of it much faster this time though. And in the near future you won't get drawn back in no matter what she says. And there's the problem, by the time she genuinely wants to reconcile you probably won't care about her anymore. It's just strange how that works out.
We agreed on this initially after bdrop and subsequently after during discussions. But i cant believe a word she says and our kids dont deserve to be cheated out of help for college because of our need to carry 2 expensive households. But it is what it is. I need to let her go!!!!
I feel that my confidence as far as all the work I do is growing very evenly, solidly and quickly now.
Good news on the work front: I think I have enough confirmed work to get me through to the end of the year without worrying too much. And it's good work too, CV enhancing. Which is what I've been planning and putting together since the start of the year.
My own creative work...well, I just produced a piece of work that I'm extremely proud of. It involved co-ordinating a number of other people too, and they all came away with and extremely positive vibe about it all as well as the beautiful work we produced together.
This is a skill that I have, and am working on developing across all the areas I work in: making the opportunities to bring people together, making a positive and very creative environment for everyone and drawing the best out of them all. And doing this as well as contributing my own work. It's leadership I guess. Yes...I'm working on my leadership skills.
They were there, in seed form, before D, but I didn't know or understand what they were or that I could encourage them to grow into something.
I played tennis with my wonderful man the other evening. It was such incredible fun. I haven't hit a tennis ball for 40 odd years, since I was a child. I absolutely loved it, and felt a bit of a natural affinity for it. And he told me I had a good instinct for it (as well as the cycling we've been doing). I'm a bit bowled over by that, tbh.
I guess I've always lacked confidence in my physical abilities and physical presence. Maybe because I never really explored them as a child, or because I remember very feeling self conscious, even as young as 10 or 11. So I guess I deliberately shrank that side of myself and developed the academic/intellectual side of my personality. I worked hard and did phenomenally well at that I think it was also a refuge for me when things got difficult, especially around my mid 20s. After that, I think I felt overwhelmed by the presence and physicality of XH, so I just let him dominate that side of our R and M. And then obviously, I ended up feeling so low that when the EAs and PAs came along, I felt totally crushed.
Well, I remember the creeping sense of power in my own physical being, that started, say maybe 3 or 4 months after XH left? It started very small, and maybe as a result of all the interior work I was doing on myself? Now it feels like a definite and strong part of me. I'm enjoying it, for sure, and I know it can grow still more.
But I must value myself enough to make time for it.
Because the alternative is too expensive.
And I'm not prepared to pay that price any more in my life.
So, what are your plans at the moment? Do you intend to move back home? Will you be sleeping in the MBR?
My plan is to move back into the family home I have lived in for 15 years. Iím not sure whether it was right to leave in January but I am sure it is right to go back now.
I have given notice on my tenancy so have to be out in the next 3 weeks. I have also given notice to WW that I will be moving back in. This was met with resistance, where I think I held my ground, but it certainly wasnít agreed to.
It hasnít been discussed since, except the next day on the phone where WW requested, the next time we discuss ďusĒ should be out of the house as she said d11 had overheard, which I donít think was true. I wasnít discussing ďusĒ just informing her I need to move back in. I am in no rush for an R talk, that can happen if and when sheís ready. The problem is she feels any talk of me moving back is tied to an MR discussion/decision so I have realized it is too much pressure to bring it up again. I have stated what I need to do and now feel that is enough.
It has now been nearly two weeks since the discussion without it being mentioned again, even though we have been alone together in the house quite a few times. I feel itís good she hasnít initiated a discussion intended to deter me, My plan is to move back in over the next 3 weeks and enjoy spending more time with my kids, fixing my house etc, regardless of what she does.
I have been virtually living there anyway, just not sleeping and waking there and this whole time has been in complete harmony with no pressure or pursuit. I think we both would go so far to say we've been consistently getting on much better than the entire 12 months leading up to BD. I think this is down to my DBing, following the rules, and implementing consistent 180's concerning patience, communication & parental responsibilities. Thanks to so many kind people on this board, i'm in a much better place as a person than I was a few months ago.
I am pretty sure she has gone NC with OM and is dealing with the withdrawal. I certainly wonít initiate an R talk and I'm in no rush for her to. Re transparency, I wonít even mention the word, unless we are at a point where she is really asking what I need from her to rebuild trust and stating that she is willing to do anything necessary. She is leaving her phone out and her pc on much more now and has never been very good at hiding things anyway, so it might not be needed
I realize this is a marathon, and that the mess of the EA needs to be resolved before she can work on releasing her resentment and consider working on our MR. I am ready for this process to take many, many months and wonít be surprised if it doesnít happen at all. Iíve made my peace with the fact itís out of my control and she has to make her own decisions on her own journey. I have also dealt with my anger with whatís happened, or for kids sake I wouldnít be moving back in.
There certainly could be some resistance to me moving back into the MBR. I have a plan to clear some space in the attic, so if necessary I can sleep up there. I would prefer to be in the MBR, especially now I realize how symbolic it is, but Iím not going to die on a hill for it. I will let her have it for now if itís that important to her, but wonít volunteer that information up front.
Iíll check with a L regarding the legality of me moving back. But I know for a fact if she tries to legally stop me I will properly implement the LRT and go darker on her than I ever have with everything except kids necessities. Me enabling this cake eating in the throne of power has to stop whether I am living there or not.
There is no question that i have asked. Just never diagnosed.
New guy was really cautious with me today. But i just notice that when he doesn't know what he's doing, he likes to yell at others and make it out like they are the ones that don't know what they are doing. He has to quickly comment and make remarks and doesn't understand that no one immediately knows where to go...it takes a bit to get oriented. And why comment on any wrong turn. Its just annoying. I don't feel like he wants to grow. Nor does he have self awareness. I am seeing a lot of arrogance.
And he fights and argues over little things that are kind of pointless. His daughter is a teenager with adhd and i just find myself relating to her and siding with her not him.
We are just dating. This stuff is coming out now more and more to me and i am feeling depressed about breaking up with him. I don't think he is cruel or malicious. And i want a reason to stay with him. But i am not accepting this part of him. It is turning me off. I am wanting to just go it alone and not have to deal with anyone.
When i meet people, i am the type that wants them to feel good. I often play myself down to make others feel good. I never feel the need to win the handshake contest. I think with some people that is not a good route to go. I am not liking who i presented to him.
My ex left me. I don't known if he cheated on me. But he was spending 800 a week while we lived in a apt and then with my parents. That is really really really bad. He was lying and deflecting regarding money. He was not being a good partner. I don't know if its because NGs traits are just not looking good to me, but i am really missing my ex. I am wondering if he has regrets. I am wondering if there really is an addiction. If i vilified him. I am thinking a lot about him when i am with ng and comparing and remember my love for the father of my child.
Thank-you guys for the input and honesty..I think that as the process has moved along, it has been more and more evident to me that the D is almost inevitable...It's just so hard to process that 1 day we are building our dream house and trying to have a child, to a day later being separated and divorced...It is just so bizarre for me or anyone involved with us to comprehend...It is just a shame that people faithfully put their heart,soul, and years of their lives into another person to be left to pick up the pieces without so much as an explanation/closure...It's almost like the last 12 years were completely fake and she never was the real person who I thought was waking up next to everyday and went through all of life's experiences together... Worse yet, she texted me again today,about some trivial insurance stuff that she could've easily taken care of by herself...This was after telling me a couple of weeks ago she wanted to distance herself to move on with life, which I agreed on and have remained no contact since...The bad part was how I let that one small text out of the blue get in my head and effect me..Her contact gave me that same empty,hopeless feeling inside when I've been working so hard on rebuilding myself back up physically, mentally, and emotionally..I was proud that I did not respond because I'm not going to make myself so readily available to someone who has so easily gave up on our marriage, hopes, dreams and future... I'm starting to become angry with the fact that her selfish decisions are costing me so many months, possibly years of putting my life back together to fully recover and go through the grief process...Time is the most precious commodity in life and I feel the last 2 months have been stolen from me and I'm going to have to mortgage the next year or so as well...There is NO SHORTCUT to the grief process !!! I know if I just jump back into dating, like my mind is telling me to do to try and validate my worth, it will be futile...Which is interesting because we knew a lot of people who have cheated, divorced and are still with the OM/OW...Even though, people on here say that will never work because it is based on deceit and lies...I'm starting to believe that this ENTIRE WORLD is all based on deceit and lies and that is just how society is now.. I'm just over all of the emotional up and downs, need and wants, I should do this strategy, I shouldn't do this, etc...The he11 with it, the bottom line is this women doesn't want to be with me and it's not my job to save her from herself...Part of me hopes that she will experience 1/2 as much pain,agony that she has put me through but I know that would be Petty...I really wish that I believed that the Best Revenge is me walking the other way and I hope that I can someday truly believe that much in my self-worth...